


Fuel the Pyre of Your Enemies

by DivinityInMotion



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Artistic License, Before the rat betrayed lily and james so hes written as a good friend here, Bullying, But not between Severus and Remus, Character Development, Coming Out, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Gay Panic, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, Studying, Unrequited Love, secret friendship, so heads up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:15:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 49,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27228712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivinityInMotion/pseuds/DivinityInMotion
Summary: A paired class assignment for Astronomy incites a mutually beneficial agreement between Remus Lupin and Severus Snape.
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Severus Snape, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Comments: 206
Kudos: 324





	1. You're A Big Shot Here

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is going to be my longest fic to date and I'm so excited to share it with you all! I've seen a lot of people calling for more stories where Remus and Severus are study buddies or something similar because they are both academically inclined, and I'm here to contribute.
> 
> This story starts towards the end of the Marauder's 6th year and is in Remus' POV. The title is taken from NFWMB by Hozier.

Astronomy was a peculiar class. It was the only subject at Hogwarts that had a direct equivalent in the Muggle World, maybe that’s why Remus Lupin decided to continue studying the subject in his final years of school. It was fascinating to compare the differences between the subject in the Wizarding World and the Muggle World. Additionally, the content of the subject was interesting outside of its comparisons with Muggles, which his friends had failed to see; they all opted out of Astronomy as soon as they sat their OWLs. He was one of the only Gryffindors to take Astronomy at a NEWT level, thus he often spent the class sitting in solitude, confined to his own notes with no external interactions. 

The class was a nice break from the rest of Remus’ hectic schedule, some days he found it hard to focus in Charms or Transfiguration class because he had Peter complaining about the work in one ear and Sirius cracking jokes in the other. It had other benefits, he discovered through the class that the orbits of neighbouring celestial bodies and the different ways the planets could align with the Moon yielded different symptoms in his lycanthropy. He was yet to experience these changes yet - a planet aligning with the Moon was a rare event - but he studied the topic in his spare time. The last time Jupiter, Saturn, and the Moon lined up, there were reports of werewolves displaying rare pacifist streaks all over Britain, as though the full moon didn’t affect them at all. 

Remus was grateful to be in this class, learning about things that affect his very being, as tough as the subject could be at times. He didn’t feel envious of James in Ancient Runes with Lily, or of Sirius and Peter lazing about in the Gryffindor tower, enjoying their free period, no doubt. No, he didn’t feel envious until Professor Borealis announced that the next assignment was a partnered project. 

“You’ll have two weeks to finish the assignment, that should be ample time seeing that there will be two of you assigned to each topic. And no, you cannot pick your own partners. I don’t want to hear any complaining,” Borealis spoke in a hoarse voice. She was stern with the class, but she wanted the best for them. Other students complained and called her a hard-arse over the years, something that he’d never understood.

She started listing off the pairs of students, Remus didn’t pay much attention to the rest of the list until she got to his name.

“…David and Elise, Remus and Severus, Margaret and Cindy…”

Remus’ stomach dropped. Instinctively, Remus looked up across the classroom and met Snape’s callous gaze. The boy scowled back at him, but ultimately didn’t protest Professor Borealis’ statement, he knew better than to speak out against her when she explicitly warned them not to do so. Snape was so quiet in this class that Remus had almost forgotten that he was enrolled in it with him. 

“Move to your assigned desks, I’ll write out each of your topics once you are all settled in,” Borealis said. Remus looked away from the cold glare of the Slytherin and busied himself in closing his books. He carried his belongings across the room and set them down in front of the spare seat next to Snape. 

As Remus sat down, Snape spoke to him for the first time in months, “Hopefully your _condition_ has given you an advantage in Astronomy, I won’t be failing this class just because I’m partnered with a dolt.”

Remus bit back an insult. He was above this childish teasing that Sirius and James saw fit to continue into their sixth year at Hogwarts. He never spoke up against it directly, but it got a little tired after six long years of the same mundane pranks and insults. Sirius’ defense was that Snape was an evil git with ties to You-Know-Who, and although he was an asshole at the best of times, Remus just thought he was awkward. He didn’t seem like the type of person to run straight to You-Know-Who after graduating to get branded, although a lot of his Slytherin peers were definitely that type. He tried to not harbour the same disinclination towards Slytherin that Sirius had.

The Professor wrote up the topics on the blackboard next to each pairing’s names. Written next to Remus and Snape’s names was “Sagittarius Arm”. It was in an area of the sky that Remus wasn't confident with. He was hoping for something that at least appeared in the northern hemisphere this time of year, so no direct observations could be made from Hogwarts. With his lack of understanding in this area, he was bound to be at the receiving end of Snape’s belittling remarks for the next two weeks. If Remus felt angry enough by the end of the two weeks, he could set Sirius and James on him, as petty as it was. 

“You look tense, Lupin. Weren’t expecting to work with someone who you tried to eat only a year ago?” Snape muttered under his breath. He wasn’t resentful enough to speak so loud that neighbouring groups could overhear, but he wanted to let Remus know where they stood.

“Can we not do this right now?” Remus muttered back, swallowing an insult that he knew was Sirius' influence. “We don’t have to pretend to like each other, or become bosom friends, but I have the same wishes as you. I just want to pass this class.”

As Snape opened his mouth to reply, the Professor cut him off by announcing that the instructions for the assignment were now written on the board. _Some instructions_ , Remus thought as he read the only two sentences on the board.

_’Your task is to find the twenty largest stars in your given Arms and map their locations respective to two nebulae in the Milky Way, your choice of nebulae. You must also calculate each star’s apparent and absolute magnitude, as well as their distance from our Sun.’_

After they both read the laborious task laid out for them, they lapsed into a concentrated silence as they began their work. Remus flicked through his textbook, looking for any mentions of the Sagittarius Arm. He found references to some stars in Chapter Fourteen and noted their approximate location on his parchment. It was clear that he would have to spend some time in the library to find some references for this assignment. 

The lesson passed slowly, and Remus and Snape didn’t speak again until more than halfway through the period when Snape looked over to Remus’ work to note his progress. Remus didn’t even notice that Snape was scrutinising his work until he spoke.

“No, stop. Can’t you see where you’re going wrong?” Snape said, concerned. He re-dipped his quill in his inkpot and leaned over Remus’ parchment. He started to scratch out some of Remus’ work and rewrite it in the correct locations. “Eta Carinae is closer to the Carina Nebula than that star, it’s surrounding the bloody thing for Merlin’s sake. And _this_ star isn’t in the Sagittarius Arm at all, it’s in the Perseus Arm,” Snape muttered as he crossed out and redrew the rough work.

Remus watched, fascinated by how quickly Snape’s cold demeanour melted away to correct Remus’ mistakes. He watched as his brow furrowed in concentration, hand scribbling quick notes and making amendments to the beginning of Remus’ star chart. Remus looked over to Snape’s own work - it was a little smudged, but his spikey scrawl was still legible. He was also a lot further along than Remus. 

“It’s astounding that you’ve made it this far into the subject without failing.” _Ah_. There it was. Remus didn’t react to the jibe.

“I didn’t realise that Astronomy was a strong suit for you,” Remus said tentatively. He didn’t want to provoke the boy further. “Do you think we could meet later tonight to continue the assignment?" The quicker they finished this assignment, the better, and after watching Snape's handiwork, he felt it would be best to work on it with the other boy present to avoid further mistakes. "Assuming that you don’t have any urgent homework for your other classes, that is. It’s best if we start compiling resources in the library right away.”

Snape sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I’m in all of your classes, Lupin.”

“And this is our only major assessment this week. So is that a yes?” Remus pressed. 

Snape looked down at his own star chart. “I agree that we need more resources, the textbook is incredibly out of date.” He drummed his fingers on the desk, pausing momentarily to consider the proposal. “Ok, but if you’re later than seven, you can finish this by yourself and fail your portion of the work.”

Remus stifled a laugh. After watching Snape hastily correct his draft, he had a feeling that he wouldn’t allow that to happen.

* * *

“And no doubt that you and Peter spent your free period fucking around in the common room as usual?” James laughed as he placed some more sliced lamb onto his plate. 

“What else would you expect from us?” Sirius laughed. “Don’t be mad at us, _you’re_ the one who is forcing yourself to sit through Ancient Runes just for Evans.”

“Better than picking Astronomy as an extra class,” James nudged Remus with his elbow. “I thought your furry little problem would have steered you clear of the class, but you haven’t dropped it yet.”

“I’m almost ready to drop it, honestly,” Remus grumbled, looking down into his glass of water. Sirius, Peter, and James all gave him the same, incredulous look. 

“And why is that, pray tell?” James asked, raising a singular, dark eyebrow.

Remus fixed his posture, it was so easy to slouch over and not realise it until you were in the centre of attention. Remus considered telling them everything - that he was partnered with Snape on a difficult project and he was a nightmare to be around. But that wasn’t entirely true, was it? Snape had been rather helpful earlier in class, between the scathing remarks. The rest of the Marauders wouldn't be swayed so easily. No doubt they won’t believe a word Remus says, even if he’s commenting on something so objective as intelligence. 

Truthfully, it was having to admit that he struggled with the classwork to someone who hated him by association that was making him never want to show his face in Astronomy again.

“We got a tough assignment today, after dinner I have to go straight to the library for the night,” Remus complained. He smiled afterward so his friends wouldn’t be suspicious of an underlying cause of his misery.

“You’ll pull through, Moony. And if you don’t, Sirius and I will keep you company during your newly acquired free periods,” Peter said. Remus kicked Peter’s shin under the table, causing the boy to squeak in surprise. 

Remus finished up in the Great Hall quickly. He left to gather his belongings from his dorm without the rest of his friends and headed straight to the library. Remus looked down every passing row for his partner and found him towards the back of the library, just before the restricted section.

On the table lining the row, Snape already had his nose buried in a thick book. He traced each line with the tip of his finger, likely scanning for keywords. Remus sat his own bag down lightly on a chair as to not disturb the man engrossed so deeply in the text. 

“You’re on time,” Snape mused without looking up. He turned the page and continued his same scanning method.

“You doubted me?” Remus asked with a soft smile. Snape finally looked up from the book and narrowed his eyes as he met Remus’ gaze. Remus noticed the slight clenching of his jaw before he spoke.

“No, I knew my threat would land. Sit,” Snape said and he returned to his book. Remus sank into the chair opposite Snape. There were two books already stacked on the desk, as well as half a page of scribbled notes. “I’ve scoured these two books for information on the Sagittarius Arm, so far I haven’t found anything relevant. You can get started on this one.” Snape stood up after he spoke and hoisted a large book off the shelf behind him. The cover read _’The Milky Way and Its Celestial Bodies: An Extensive List’_.

Remus eyed the parchment full of notes again. Snape must have caught the glance for a moment later he spoke up, “You can read over these if you’d like, it will help you catch up to speed.” He passed over the parchment, and they fell into the rhythms of work.

Over the course of the next two hours, Remus observed the same surprising characteristic in Severus Snape for the second time that day. When he was unprovoked and focused purely on his work, Snape wasn’t hostile. Remus could ask him questions and he would be met with genuine answers void of cutting remarks. His presence was _almost_ calming, he was certain he'd never feel truly calm while studying. 

Remus felt as though he would never feel at ease around the man because of their volatile past, but here, in the back of the library at night, pouring over their notes, it was easy to forget about their prior hostility. Snape had corrected more misconceptions in Remus’ Astronomy knowledge in the past two hours than the Professor had all year, and she was in no way inept. Remus was half-tempted to ask Snape to make these sessions a regular occurrence, but he didn’t want to ruin the peaceful emersion the two had created in this space if Snape flat out refused. He would have to warm the other up to the idea over the next two weeks, lest his grades fall after this assignment.


	2. But Nobody Else Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Snape reach an agreement, edging around the touchy subject of Remus' friends.

On the day the assignment was due, Remus sat next to Snape at the same desk along the far side of the room. The day after the assignment was submitted, Remus sat next to him again. And again. And again. Snape never told him to find alternate accommodations vis-a-vis seating, so Remus took that as an invitation to continue this arrangement. The way Snape methodically fixed minor mistakes in Remus’ work looked subconscious at this point, and Remus wouldn’t do anything to disrupt the ritual. He found it easier to concentrate in class, and he found that he had a better understanding of each lesson when Snape was by his side, amending incorrect calculations and circling gaps in his knowledge. It was like having his own private tutor in the class.

A week after the new seating arrangement became permanent, they received their grade for the assignment. ‘O’. Outstanding. Remus had consistently received ‘Acceptable’ and ‘Exceeds Expectations’ in Astronomy, until now. This was his first ‘Outstanding’, and it was thanks to a man whom he previously believed wouldn’t be seen talking to the likes of a half-breed like him. Clearly, Snape didn’t buy into the Slytherin ideologies as readily as his peers. There were still some unanswered questions regarding his very public falling out with Lily Evans last year, but Remus hesitantly cast them out of his mind. He and Snape weren’t friends, he wouldn’t pry into his business just so he could have a guilt-free study partner. As selfish as he felt, Remus didn’t want to lose his new lifeline in Astronomy over it.

The class moved on to a new topic - extrasolar comets - and Remus fell behind in the work. He mixed around the names of the new comets and forgot a simple definition or two. He felt embarrassed when he looked over to Snape’s work and saw that his parchment was free from corrections and hastily crossed-out lines, so different from his own notes. He was noticing his mistakes and shortcomings more than ever in Astronomy and he had a feeling it had something do to with the studious man sitting next to him.

At the end of the lesson, Professor Borealis assigned an essay on major extrasolar comets and their known courses to be individually completed. Now that he had a taste of near-perfect grades in one of his weakest subjects, he didn’t want to go back to average results. He wasn’t going to let go so easily.

“Snape,” Remus said before Snape could rise from his desk.

Snape continued gathering his belongings and didn’t look up from the desk. “What is it, Lupin?”

Remus cleared his throat before he spoke, “Would you like to meet again to study this new topic?”

Snape froze mid-action and rolled his eyes. He turned to face Remus. “And why, pray tell, would I want to do that?”

Remus blinked. “Well, there are certain merits in having a study partner. Sure, I’m not that most adept, but if you helped me with any qualms I might have, you would be solidifying your own knowledge in the process.”

“And why do _you_ want to do that? Last time I checked, you and your little ragtag team of Gryffindors couldn’t stand the sight of me.”

Remus hadn’t been prepared for that question. Addressing the lingering discomfort between the two was not something Remus wanted to do, but it had to happen eventually if he wanted to turn these sessions into a habit.

“Severus, I-”

Snape scoffed at the sincere use of his first name. He stood up and pulled the strap of his book bag onto his shoulder. “Save it. Your Slytherin side is showing, Lupin. Using me for your personal gain.”

“That is _not_ what this is.” Remus stood up abruptly. He noticed that the top of Snape's head only came to the tip of his nose. Then again, Remus was the tallest Gryffindor in their year - save for willowy Frank Longbottom. 

“Isn’t it? So your consistent rewriting of your notes when you compare them to mine is seemingly unrelated, is it?” Snape spoke in a low and calculated tone as to not alert their lingering classmates or the Professor. Remus must have made an alarmed face, because Snape sneered, “Yes, I noticed that.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. He didn’t realise that Snape had been monitoring him as he spiralled through his academic crisis. Snape turned and walked out of the classroom. When Remus gathered his thoughts, he packed away his things in a rush and followed him through the door.

“If I couldn’t stand the sight of you, I wouldn’t be asking you for this, nor would I be using your work as a reference point,” Remus called after him. He grasped his shoulder to stop Snape from walking off. He felt thin and a little bony beneath the black school robes. “I’m not my friends, Snape.”

Snape bristled away from his touch and turned his head to look Remus directly in the eye. “Oh, really? Prove it.” Remus hesitated, and Snape scoffed again. “I thought as much.” He disappeared down the spiralling staircase, and Remus remained frozen at the top of the tower.

* * *

“You should have seen poor McGonagall’s face!” Sirius laughed, lounging back on his bed. “I don’t think she’ll be letting Peter out of her sight during our free periods any more.” 

Remus forced himself to laugh as Sirius’ tale, but he couldn’t focus. He felt terrible that he couldn’t concentrate on his friends as they sprawled around their dormitory, but his mind kept replaying the disaster from earlier today. It wasn’t a big deal, he was probably better off without a sarcastic berk like Snape, so why didn’t that anxious knot in his stomach loosen?

Maybe Snape was right, maybe he was acting out of selfish motives. But that couldn’t be right, the proposition would benefit them both. Unless Snape truly didn’t want anything to do with Remus. He had an inkling that this wasn’t the case.

Remus pulled the Marauder’s Map out from the bedside drawer between his and Sirius’ bed. The action caught his attention.

“What do you need that for, mate? Doing some spying?” Sirius asked, resting his hands behind his head. 

“Something like that,” Remus muttered under his breath as he opened the map and started to flick through it. Sirius snorted.

Remus scanned the Marauder’s Map, he had a persistent nagging in the back of his mind telling him that Snape wouldn’t be holed up in the dungeons tonight. He flipped through the map until he found the section he was looking for. A few names lingered in the library, Remus read over each one. 

And there he was, clear as day. Severus Snape, sitting in the same spot in the library where they met over the course of the last assignment. 

Remus abruptly stood up. “Sorry, I have to step out for a bit. I’m taking this.” He pocketed the map.

James turned to face him. “Why? Is everything ok?” He asked with a look of concern. 

Remus offered him a soft smile, “I’m fine, there’s just a book I should get in the library for an Astronomy assignment. I need to look over it before class tomorrow, forgot about it until now.”

“Why do you need the map?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow and studying Remus’ face.

“I wanted to see who else was there. If someone beats me to the book, I’ll know who to chase after,” Remus lied swiftly. It was disquieting how easily it came to him. Sirius nodded at him and Remus left before they could ask him any more questions. 

The clock in the common room told him that it was seven o’clock, the library would only be open for another hour tonight. Remus rushed through the portrait hole and began his descent to the first floor. 

He found his way to the library. When he entered, he offered Madame Irving, the old librarian, a smile. He made a beeline for the back section, weaving throughout the rows and tables as he went. He reached the final row and rounded the corner. A small desk lamp was lit, illuminating the corner Snape sat in. Remus reached over to tug a string connected to the lamp nearest to him and added more light to the dim row. Snape looked up from his book at the new light and met Remus’ gaze.

“You saw through me again, it would seem,” Snape greeted him.

“Why’d you decide to show?”

Snape tapped his fingers on the edge of the wooden table contemplatively. “I thought more about what you said. Perhaps we could come to some sort of agreement here. As you said, we could both benefit from becoming… _study partners_ , but I don’t want you trying any of your friends’ nonsense with me. In return, I won’t tell them that you’re meeting me, as I assume they wouldn’t take to this news very well.”

Remus grimaced, he was right. He’d already lied to James, Sirius, and Peter several times over the past few weeks to meet with Snape. He felt a little bit guilty, but they had only met a handful of times, and this would likely only be a weekly occurrence. 

“So this is a truce?” Remus asked.

“For lack of a better term, yes,” Snape agreed.

“Should we shake on it to make it official, then?” Remus chuckled and outstretched his hand. He didn’t expect Snape to actually reach out and clasp his hand, shaking it in one firm motion. His hand was as pale as his face and rather cold, like he had poor circulation. It was possibly just this cold corner of the library that lowered their body temperatures.

“Sit down, then. We only have half an hour or so left before the library closes,” Snape said, gesturing to the seat next to him. 

As Remus sat down, he suddenly realised that he hadn’t brought along a single item besides his wand and the Marauder’s Map hastily stuffed into his back pocket. He’d left it all in his dorm when he left in a hurry.

Snape seemed to realise this at the same moment, because he asked, “Where’s all your stuff? You didn’t even bring any books.” 

“I, er-, left it all in my dorm.”

“Why on Earth would you come to the library at this hour without any equipment?” Snape asked. Remus didn’t have an answer to that question that didn’t sound insane. ‘Our enchanted map showed that you were down here and I wanted to see if you were truly studying or if you were waiting for me to show up’ didn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Snape grew impatient waiting for an answer, “Nevermind. You can borrow my quill and parchment and write down what I tell you. I’m gathering extra notes on extrasolar comets at the moment, you can make a copy sometime tomorrow before class.”

Snape handed over his quill and ink-blotted parchment and they worked solidly for the next half an hour. They left the library just before eight o’clock and went their separate ways. Remus gave Snape a small “goodnight” before they parted, the other nodded his head in acknowledgement.

Remus took his time walking back to the Gryffindor tower, he was in a much lighter mood now. He soon reached the portrait and gave the Fat Lady the password. Inside the common room, it looked as though nothing had changed. Lily, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas were crowded around the fireplace, Frank and Alice sat together near the window, and a myriad of first years took up the rest of the comfortable seats. As he passed the fireplace, Lily looked up from her conversation and gave him a small wave. He returned it. 

Lily, as clever as she was, had worked out Remus’ secret in September at the start of their sixth year. One of their first lessons of the year in Defence Against the Dark Arts was rehashing old knowledge on the differences between werewolves and animagi. She had tallied up Remus’ cyclic symptoms and made a correct diagnosis, and Remus wouldn’t lie to her when she was so genuinely sweet. She vowed she wouldn’t tell anyone and offered to take more in-depth notes in his missed classes than James, who had a tendency to miss important details every so often.

Remus walked up the spiralling stairs to his dormitory and swung open the door. Like downstairs, the Marauders hadn’t moved all that much. Their cheerful conversation stopped when Remus walked in, and they all fixed him with the same amused expression.

“Good session in the ‘library’, it seems,” Sirius said with a grin, using air quotes around the word ‘library’. Remus raised an eyebrow at him, forehead creasing in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“You walked in with the biggest smile on your face. Seems rather chipper for a man faced with the burden of study,” James pointed out. Upon realising that he was indeed wearing a grin, Remus’ face fell back to a neutral expression. How hadn’t he realised that?

“I really was in the library,” Remus insisted, but the looks on their faces told him that they still didn’t believe him. 

“Tell us, Moony,” Sirius started. He batted his eyelashes dramatically. “Who is she?” The Marauders sniggered and Remus rolled his eyes. He walked to his bed and fell backwards on it. He looked up at the canopy above him. 

“ _She_ would have been a very mad Professor Borealis if I didn’t get that work done before tomorrow,” Remus shot back. That seemed to put an end to their questions.

“Alright, mate. But if a girl turns up looking bigger than usual in a few months time, you’ll be the first person I suspect is behind it,” Sirius teased. 

James and Peter laughed as Remus whipped the Marauders Map out of his pocket and threw it at Sirius’ head. That ought to shut him up for a while.


	3. On The Borderline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Snape get to know each other and sort out some old hostility.

Remus found that now that he studied with Snape, Astronomy wasn’t as daunting a subject. His marks and his understanding increased over the next few weeks, Snape wasn’t correcting his work as much, and Remus had far fewer questions regarding each new topic.

He also discovered that Snape could be quite witty when he wanted to be. This, coupled with Snape’s obvious intelligence, lead Remus to blurt this out one day:

“You could have made a good Ravenclaw, you know.”

This didn’t seem to surprise Snape, because he nodded at Remus’ statement. “The sorting hat almost put me in Ravenclaw, actually. It had a lot of difficulty deciding between placing me in Ravenclaw or Slytherin, so it gave me the choice.”

“So why did you ask it to put you in Slytherin over Ravenclaw? It seems like you would have done better there,” Remus asked.

“My mother was in Slytherin, that was the deciding factor,” Snape explained. He let out a caustic laugh. “Perhaps you’re right, I’m sure my years at Hogwarts would have been quieter if I picked Ravenclaw.”

Remus chuckled, that was almost a certainty. 

They started to meet after every Astronomy class, even when they both understood the lesson earlier in the day. It was only for an hour every day just after dinner; Remus would break away from his Gryffindor friends around 7pm and rendezvous with Snape in the library. On the days where they both understood the content, the conversation tended to deviate from their studies. 

It was usually innocent enough. Remus asked about some of the more peculiar scribblings that seemed to cover every one of Snape’s textbooks. Although Snape was tight-lipped about them at first, Remus found ways to draw answers from him. He appealed to his academic side, first asking about the vast majority of the notes that looked to be amendments to the decades-out-of-date text.

He was correct, Snape explained that he added Muggle findings to the Astronomy textbook, seeing that they were still relevant to the Hogwarts curriculum and the textbook wouldn’t be updated for another fifty years. Remus spotted a number of runes on the pages, each as angular and blotted as the last. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembered that Snape was in the Ancient Runes elective with him and James until their fifth year. 

Snape explained the purpose of some of them - a written waterproofing charm, a sentence that remained untranslated by the previous owner of the textbook, another charm for protection against tearing. Remus followed Snape’s fingertips with his eyes as they traced over each rune. It was relaxing to watch, and his voice was low and even, soothing. 

Eventually, Remus asked about the seemingly unrelated Latin words and descriptors. They looked like they were spells in the crafting stage, and each one was written in Snape’s spiky handwriting, meaning that he was the one behind all this complex, advanced magic. Nothing looked overly malicious, Remus noticed that most of the descriptors fell into the same category of spell - privacy and defense. There were warding spells against eavesdroppers and other prying kinds, as well as some more specific shielding charms.

When Remus tried to compliment him on his surprising craftsmanship, Snape shut him down. He made Remus swear to not tell anyone that he was experimenting with spells.

“Who would I tell?” Remus countered. That cemented his trust.

The March full moon approached, and Remus began to feel the telltale symptoms three days beforehand, as he usually did. He was fatigued and vaguely nauseous, not to mention the persistent cycling of his internal temperature that slowly began to unhinge him. He felt like his blood was bubbling underneath his skin at night, and in the morning he felt his extremities go stiff with coldness.

Snape must have realised that something wasn’t right one night. He fixed him with a wary gaze, analysing the tremour in his fingertips and the dampness on his brow.

“What’s wrong with you?” He eventually asked. His voice was laced with indifference, but Remus saw the small downturn of his brow and the crease that formed on his forehead that indicated concern.

Remus looked behind him, no one else was in this section of the library. “It’s a full moon tomorrow night.”

The reaction was slow, Snape took a moment to remember the significance behind the full moon and it’s connection to Remus. When he did remember, his face fell. His already pale face got impossibly white and he pursed his lips, unsure of what to say. He averted his gaze from Remus, and Remus thought he looked downright traumatised. It probably wasn’t a far cry from the truth, Remus didn’t expect him to forget the events of that night any time soon. If he were in Snape’s position, he would probably react in the same way, if not worse. 

He didn’t know what to say, but the silence was stretching out too long, so he said the first thing that came to mind: “I’m not going to transform here, you don’t need to look so worried.”

“Right,” Snape said. It was strange to hear the other man sound so timid. The silence grew again.

“Should we at least talk about it?” Remus asked softly, as to not startle the boy. There was still a lot of stagnant air between them, and Remus often felt as though they were both tiptoeing around the subject. 

“That…may be for the best. If you have the same thing in mind as I do,” Snape replied slowly.

“The incident where I tried to eat you?” Remus asked. Even to his own ears it sounded insensitive, but now the barrier was broken. Snape nodded, the movement dislodged a black lock of hair that had been tucked behind his ear.

Remus cleared his throat, a nervous tick. He needed to phrase this carefully lest he shatter their fragile, carefully developing acquaintanceship. 

“Do you know how much I regret that night?” He started softly. “I wish there was something I could have done. I didn’t speak to Sirius for two months after he led you down there. Merlin, I could have bitten you, or worse-”

“Remus, stop.” It was the first time he used his first name. “I don’t hold you accountable, not anymore.” The last part was said quietly, but Remus didn’t miss the implications.

“Oh.” That was all Remus could muster up. 

“I hated all four of you for so long for different reasons,” Snape continued. He met Remus’ gaze. “But you - I knew you couldn’t control it, you couldn’t remember that night at all. It took me a year to realise that.”

Remus drew in a shaky breath. He didn’t dare say anything, he didn’t want to deter Snape when he sounded like he was about to open up for the first time to him. He was so reserved, physically and emotionally, it was a wonder that he didn’t have explosive, emotional outbursts at random intervals. 

“You didn’t treat me with malice during the first assignment we had together. I expected you to be just as cruel as your friends, but you treated me as an equal.”

“I already told you that I am not my friends.”

“Why don’t you ever say anything?” Snape asked. 

“I don’t-”

“Why don’t you ever try to stop them?”

Remus sighed. His heart gave a painful thud. He couldn’t ignore the way he was torn between his group of friends and Snape anymore. He loved the Marauders dearly, and it hurt to hear them be described as ‘cruel’, but that’s exactly how they treated Snape - cruelly. Snape usually tried to put up a fight, but he didn’t ever stand a chance against James, Sirius, and Peter at the same time. 

Remus recalled their excuses for harassing him over the years; because they were bored, because he existed. In hindsight, Remus wished he had spoken up just once or insisted a little harder after the attack in the Shrieking Shack.

“I can’t.” It sounded weak. It was. 

“Have you ever tried?” There was a note of desperation in his voice, it was unbecoming.

“No. I didn’t know how to. The closest I came to keeping them away from you forever was after the incident in the Shrieking Shack.” He mentally added that he didn’t have a reason to keep them away from Snape until now. 

Snape paused. “I don’t want to cause you any trouble with your friends. I don’t give a damn about them, but…”

“But?” Remus encouraged.

“Never mind. Trust you Gryffindors to always put your own fun and enjoyment before the safety and integrity of others,” Snape sneered. He had gone most of the night without that harsh tone, Remus didn’t want him to retreat in on himself again. But he couldn’t let the jibe sit there.

“But the same must apply to you. Some of the Slytherins are rotten.”

“Do you ever see me defending them? Do you see me around them at all?” Snape asked. Remus shut his mouth. He tried to recall a moment recently where he’d seen Snape around with Slytherins outside of classes or the Great Hall, none came to mind. He mostly stuck to himself.

“Okay, you’re right. Can I please just make one request?” Remus asked. Snape nodded. “We don’t talk about my friends when we’re together, clearly we’ll never agree on the subject. I don’t want to hear you insult them, and in turn, I’ll try to keep them away from you.”

“You’re willing to deprive your friends of their past time fun for me? How generous,” Snape chuckled as though the whole situation was plain ridiculous. It was, he never pictured himself here, in the library just before curfew, laughing with Severus Snape. 

Ultimately, he had a point. Was Remus really going to go to all this effort just for a study partner? Hiding their meetings from James, Sirius, and Peter already proved to be a struggle if he couldn’t even hide a damn _smile_ after one of their sessions. And now this, this careful maneuvering of the Marauders away from Snape would take a lot of conscious effort. Was it worth the effort and the potential, highly probable backlash from his oldest friends?

But he supposed that they weren’t just study partners anymore. While they wouldn’t be seen striding the halls together anytime soon, Remus had half a mind to call them friends. The man sitting before him was still such an enigma, but some part of his brain was yearning to learn more about him. He and his books filled with bizarre notes and runes, his faint Midlands accent, his aloof manner peppered with rare moments of emotion and insight.

Light footsteps sounded down the aisle, Remus turned just in time to see the librarian. 

“Five minutes until we close, boys,” She smiled and walked away. Remus turned to look back at Snape, who was already watching him with a cautious, penetrating stare. 

“I guess that’s our cue. Same time Thursday night? I believe Borealis is talking about the Magellanic Clouds on Thursday, so we should have lots to discuss after class,” Remus said. It was a desperate attempt to return a touch of normality to their dynamic, maybe Snape had seen right through it, but he didn’t say anything.

“Thursday night I’ve got to finish the essay for Herbology,” Snape said. It didn’t sound like an excuse, it was a genuine reason and Remus’ stomach dropped when he remembered that he was only three inches into his own essay.

“I have to finish mine too. I’ll be here if you want to join me,” Remus offered. Having the extra support had boosted him in Astronomy, it was a wise idea to spread that support to other subjects. Remus had a feeling that Snape was also gifted in Herbology if his Potions scores were anything to go off. The subjects tended to go hand in hand - you’d be a rotten Potioneer if you didn’t have adequate knowledge of Herbology.

Remus left before Snape could give him an affirmative. He was excited to see if the boy would come to the same conclusion as him and show up. 

When he got back to his dorm later that night, no one asked where he’d been. They all accepted that he was truly just studying by this stage, and he was, to an extent. He left out the details of his budding friendship with the man that the three of them clashed with the most.


	4. The Way That You See Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation on self-loathing.

The full moon came and went without too much struggle, and Remus and Snape met the following night to finish their Herbology essays together. The Easter break was drawing nearer - it was only one week away. Over the remaining weeks in the term, their study sessions bled out across all their shared subjects; Potions, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Transfiguration, and Herbology, as well as Astronomy. The only class Remus didn’t meet with Snape for was Charms - every Saturday he would meet Lily in the Gryffindor Common Room and they would consolidate and swap their notes. She was head of their year in Charms and she had held that position fiercely over the past six years.

It wasn’t a spoken agreement, them coming together every night in the library, but it happened anyway. As though they acted on instinct rather than a conscious decision. Remus started making excuses to see Snape, he made for interesting conversation in between the lulls of their studying. It started out as innocently meeting him before dinner as well as afterwards, and it progressed. Remus still spent every spare second of his day with James, Sirius, and Peter, but it was a strange albeit nice change of pace to be around Snape.

Over time, Snape didn’t become any less of an enigma. He still met most of Remus' questions with sarcastic remarks or the occasional scathing taunt; Remus found most of these to be funny rather than purposefully offensive, although he was usually laughing at his own expense. But sometimes, when the timing was right, Remus was able to coax out a different side of Snape. One that spoke earnestly and without malice.

Remus caught himself one night asking to walk with Snape down to the dungeons after the library closed. He realised a moment too late that it was a ridiculous offer, the dungeons were fairly close to the library - it was the Gryffindor Tower that was on the opposite side of the school. Remus bit his tongue to keep himself from taking the offer back, he didn’t want to appear a coward. He expected Snape to give him a weird look and stalk off without him, but to his surprise, he said yes.

They walked together, exchanging gentle conversation and it was _nice_. Remus felt guilty that they could only do this risk-free when the corridors were deserted, lest they face jeers from Remus' confused friends. Snape didn’t seem to notice, and if he did, he let it slide. They stopped just before the Slytherin Common Room and Remus bid Snape goodnight. He left before he could watch Snape disappear into the Common Room.

When he got back to his own dorm, Sirius was sitting cross-legged on Remus’ bed with the Marauders’ Map outstretched and ink-filled. His eyes flicked back and forth over the parchment, watching for Merlin knows who, and pretended to not notice Remus when he entered. It wasn’t until Remus sat on the foot of the bed, the mattress depressing slightly with his weight, that Sirius looked up.

“I just saw the most curious thing on the map,” Sirius started. He looked up and met Remus’ gaze, a mischievous glint in his grey eyes. Remus swallowed.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You didn’t tell me it was a Slytherin girl you’ve been seeing after hours,” Sirius grinned.

Remus blinked. “What?”

“I saw you coming back from the dungeons, why else would you be down there at this time of night? You were alone, so I assumed that you must have left her behind, _or_ she was already in the Slytherin Common Room,” Sirius spoke as though he had solved the World’s greatest mystery. His face fell when Remus started laughing.

“Are you kidding me, Pads?” He said as he caught his breath. “There’s no girl, I’ve already told you that.”

Sirius furrowed his brow and looked back down at the map. His knuckles turned white as his grip on the parchment tightened. He looked at it as though he were daring it to speak and apologise for deceiving him.

“Then what in Merlin’s name were you doing down there?” He asked incredulously.

_Quick_. “I heard you say you think I’ve been cooped up in the library too much lately. I think you’re right, I really felt it tonight, so I decided to stretch my legs before I came upstairs.”

Sirius looked back up and smiled softly, but something in his eyes told Remus that he didn’t fully believe him. “Okay, Moony.” He returned to his own bed as James and Peter entered the dorm after spending their evening with Marlene and Dorcas in the Common Room.

Sirius dropped his accusations for a while after that incident.

Just days before the holidays started, Remus had his first real fight, for lack of a better term, with Snape since they fell into this new, tentative friendship. It wasn’t a fight, per se, more so a brief disagreement and a misunderstanding. Remus felt they needed to address something that had been nagging him since they started meeting outside of classes. Morally, he couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“Do you buy into the rest of the Slytherin ideals?” Remus asked. Snape narrowed his eyes at him.

“What do you mean?” Remus had the suspicion that Snape knew exactly what he meant, but he wanted him to be more explicit.

“The blood supremacy.”

Snape tapped his fingers on the table in rhythmic succession. “Why do you feel the need to ask that?”

“Don’t play coy, I’m being serious. You know just as well as I about the rumours circulating the group of people I’ve seen you around.”

“Feeling guilty about spending time with me? Out of your depth without your fellow Gryffindors to back you up?” Snape sneered, the most callous he’d seen him in weeks.

“Don’t deflect,” Remus said. “I want an honest answer.”

“I’m not deflecting,” Snape countered. Remus watched him clench his jaw as he realised that he was doing exactly that, deflecting. “I want to know why _you_ want to know.”

“ _I_ would like to know if you’re a blood supremacist like the rest of your Slytherin friends, or if you’re just a regular Pureblood with a more traditional superiority complex associated with the house. I think those are rational things to want to know about someone before you call them a friend,” Remus glowered, patience wearing dangerously thin.

The last thing Remus expected Snape to do was laugh. He leaned back in his chair and fixed Remus with an amused look.

“You think I’m a Pureblood?” Snape laughed again. It wasn’t cold or cruel, and it helped diffuse some of the tension. “Have you ever heard of the House of Snape?”

Remus could feel his face burn, he had a point. If only he had Snape’s long hair to hide the colour of his cheeks. “Well, erm, no.”

“My father’s a muggle, Lupin.” _Oh_. “My mother is a Pureblood witch from the House of Prince, but after she married a muggle man, her family disowned her. I’ve never met them.” His voice was even, calm. Detached. Callous.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that,” Remus said weakly.

“I didn’t expect you to know that,” Snape replied. “That’s why I’m telling you now.”

“But that doesn’t answer my first question,” Remus said quickly.

Snape looked away and pretended to read some of the spines on the books lining the shelves. “My experiences with Purebloods have only been negative, so I don’t exactly hold them in high regard, let alone think they’re superior to us or anyone else because of something as trivial as lineage. I don’t buy into any of it,” Snape took in a shaky breath, “but all the Pureblood Slytherins _do_ , and after hearing them spout their contrived bullshit for years, you tend to internalize some of their ideas. They spoke about how my muggle father’s blood was the reason for my ugliness and my curmudgeonly demeanour, all my abnormalities.”

Snape paused. Remus didn’t dare speak. His eyes were trained on Snape’s face, he was unmoving. His eyes looked unfocused, as though he were tired.

“I think some part of me began to believe it. I didn’t realise how bad it had gotten until our fifth year - when I," he inhaled, eyes trained on his wringing hands, "when I hurt someone badly. I realised I needed to unlearn the backward logic that they had ingrained into my mind.”

_Lily_. Remus remembered that day, it was difficult to forget, and the following weeks where Snape waited outside of the Gryffindor Common Room to apologise to her. As far as he knew, they never made up.

But Snape sounded sincere here.

And Remus could understand. He knew what it was like - being taught to hate yourself.

He hated his lycanthropy, and hearing his own father advocate for the eradication of werewolves damaged his psyche beyond repair. He knew exactly where Snape was coming from. He spent his youth stuck between wanting to die and wanting to kill the man that did this to him. It wasn’t until James, Sirius, and Peter became illegal animagi to help him through the transformations did he finally begin to let go of some of his self-loathing. He was less alone now, but growth was a slow, fragile process. It was something that he was still going through - he still had the same, dangerous line of thinking around every full moon, but it was better now than what it used to be.

Remus didn’t know what to say, but Snape looked uncomfortable and vulnerable in the elapsing silence.

“It sounds like jealousy to me. Everyone knows you’re one of the best students in the year, and the rest of the Slytherins probably want to take you down a peg for it,” he said after careful deliberation. “And they’re wrong, Severus. You certainly aren’t ugly, and I can’t think of any supposed ‘abnormalities’.”

Snape scoffed at what Remus guessed was the ugliness comment. He meant it; striking, perhaps, was a more suitable descriptor, or unconventional. His aquiline nose paired with his high cheekbones reminded Remus of royalty, regality, and his dark eyes seemed to glimmer as moonlight started to show through the windows of the library. Snape didn’t counter it further, instead, he addressed something Remus said a minute ago.

“So you think us ‘friends’?” He smirked.

Remus smiled back at him, “Well…what else would you call this?”

“I don’t know, maybe a Gryffindor who doesn’t know what they’re getting into?” Snape suggested.

“Too little, too late, Severus. You’re past the point of driving me away now.”

Snape finally returned the smile.

* * *

Remus tried not to flake on his friends, but when the Easter holidays arrived, Remus decided to stay at the school. James had asked him to accompany him and Sirius to the Potter residence for the break, but Remus declined. He felt terrible, and he told James that much, but he lied about the rest.

Remus came up with an excuse to stay at Hogwarts - something about finding a way to document the untraceable rooms around Hogwarts on the map. He didn’t want to get out of seeing his friends, quite the opposite. But the castle would be nearly empty and Remus could spend all his time with Snape. They could wander the halls together and find places to converse outside of the library, there were too many possibilities.

In doing that, he could fulfill his promise to improve the map for their upcoming final year. Genius. _Fraud_.

He flickered between these two states of being. There must be something wrong with him to flake on his friends for Snape, a little voice in his head told him. _This wasn't right._

Remus tried to stop that line of thinking. _What wasn't right?_ There was nothing wrong with a change of plans. The guilty thoughts continued to creep through his mind on the last day he spent with James, Sirius, and Peter before the holidays.

It seems old prejudices were hard to get rid of, subconsciously. Remus vowed to drop this internal bickering when the final term started. Spending the next week straight with Snape could get this desire to be around him out of his system. He would find a balance between spending his time with the Slytherin and with the Marauders. He had to. He had no other choice.

“I’ll be fine without you, Moony, but Pads will be a quivering mess when you see him next,” James laughed. “He can’t go a day without seeing you, you’d swear he's dependent on you."

“I _am_ dependent on him,” Sirius said, slinging an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “If I come back and find that your new best friend is the giant squid, there’ll be hell to pay.”

“It’s one week, I’ll be surprised if I remember what you look like when you come back,” Remus played along. “You’ll have to learn to share me.” Remus supposed that much was true, although Sirius wouldn’t know who he was truly sharing him with. His chest tightened.

He bid James and Sirius farewell at the foot of the school, as well as Peter - who visited religious, muggle relatives during this holiday - and Lily, who had the same, religious upbringing. It was a slow, lonely walk back to the top of the Gryffindor tower, and the Common Room was only slightly less lonely; OWL and NEWT students tended to stay over the holidays towards the end of the schooling year, but even then there were only a handful of students.

Once he was lying on his bed, he had a sudden realisation. He resisted the urge to slap himself for his erratic thinking and subsequent mistake. He never asked Snape about any of his plans to wander the school and spend time together. Remus hoped that Snape wasn’t one to spend the holidays holed away in the Slytherin quarters, otherwise, this was a lost cause.


	5. The Room Where It Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus displays a musical aptitude in a strange, new part of the castle.

Remus did not have to seek out Severus Snape. Instead, he found him in the Great Hall during breakfast the next day. There he sat, plain as day, at the end of the barren Slytherin table picking at a piece of toast and reading a small, green-covered book. Remus looked around the Great Hall; every table was equally barren, and only three professors sat at the teacher’s table at the top of the room. 

Before he realised what he was doing, he made his way to the Slytherin table instead of the Gryffindor table and sat opposite Snape. Sensing someone in front of him, Snape looked up from his book. There were black smudges under his bloodshot eyes. They were more prominent than usual, like he hadn’t slept enough last night. He placed the book down.

“So you decided to stay?” Snape asked.

“It would seem that way, unless I’m a hallucination,” Remus smiled. “Maybe you’ve reached a new level of sleep deprivation.”

Snape nudged his shin under the table with his foot. “Not funny, Lupin. My blasted roommates kept me awake last night - someone thought it would be funny to jinx the curtains so they would shriek every hour on the hour.”

“What a waste of magic,” Remus mumbled. He couldn’t think of anything more annoying.

“They were trying to punish Rosier for throwing the last Quidditch match, as though we ever had any chance in the first place. What they failed to realise was that they were punishing everyone else in the process.” Snape pinched the bridge of his nose as though he were fighting off a headache.

“And where are they now?” Remus asked. 

“Probably still sleeping. Nott, Rosier, and Mulciber are the only others who stayed at Hogwarts.”

“And why did _you_ stay?”

“I like it here during the holidays. It’s quiet,” Snape answered honestly. Remus could agree, it was far more peaceful now than he’d ever seen it.

Breakfast passed without incidence. Snape said he wanted to finish all of his holiday homework today so he had the rest of the break to do nothing. A fair plan, Remus thought. He usually didn’t have the diligence to do that, but he felt that things with Snape would be different.

And they were. They finished all their assignments by nightfall, and Remus wanted to stretch his legs. He’d been cramped in the library too long. They traipsed aimlessly through the ground floor of the castle, and by the end of the night, Snape was reduced to borderline incoherent mumbling and muffled yawns. Remus escorted him back to the Slytherin common room, scared that he would have a narcoleptic episode and sleep tonight in a random alcove. 

The next morning dawned and Remus didn’t find Snape in the Great Hall again. He sat with three Gryffindors from the year above him that he oft saw in the common room and tried to not check the Slytherin table every five minutes. _This is ridiculous_.

Remus wandered down to the dungeons after breakfast, sliding his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. He found the entrance to the Slytherin common room with ease, but he couldn’t do much else besides wait. As he waited, Remus realised he needed a better way to contact Snape; several Slytherins gave him strange looks as they passed through the entrance to the common room. 

After several awkward minutes, Snape emerged from the opening and almost skimmed past Remus leaning against the opposite wall. “Held up today?” Remus asked. Snape jumped at the sound of his voice and stopped in his tracks.

“I was sleeping, is that okay with you, Lupin?” Snape quipped. Remus sputtered, he didn’t realise that he sounded like a controlling, obsessed bastard until it was too late. His face burned as he pushed himself off the wall. He regained his composure and noted that the black bags under his eyes were significantly smaller than they were yesterday, they had faded back to the purplish shadows they normally were.

Snape began to walk away from the dungeons, Remus jogged a couple of steps to catch up and fall in step next to him. “I thought so, you look better for it.”

“You put an awful amount of energy into how I look.”

“Someone has to.” Snape elbowed Remus’ ribs, turning his laughter into a caustic wheeze. “If you’re looking to hurt me, you might want to pack a bit more strength behind your attacks.”

“Likewise.”

“I’m not looking to attack you,” Remus clarified. Snape was as hard to read as ever.

“And neither am I. What’s some good-natured ribbing between friends?” Snape asked sardonically. 

Remus chuckled and rubbed his ribs, “Literally.”

As though it were by some unsaid, mutual agreement, the two found themselves wandering the castle once more. Every so often they stumbled across a derelict room or abandoned corridor. Remus didn’t have the Marauder’s Map on him, but most of the rooms were unfamiliar to him. They were likely uncharted and his fingers itched to inscribe them on the map. Remus made a mental note to revisit this section of the castle alone over the next week to add in the rooms. 

“The state of these rooms suggests that not even the staff know about them,” Snape muttered to himself as they studied a musty classroom. He trailed a finger over a deteriorating, wooden desk, lifting a line of dust on his fingertip. Remus watched the motion and nodded, it looked as though no one had opened the door to this particular room in over seventy years. 

“I’m curious as to what they would even use them for, it’s not as though we have a shortage of classrooms,” Remus said.

Snape nodded and wiped the thick layer of dust off on the hem of his black sweater. “I doubt they’d use them for anything, that’s likely why they’ve been forgotten.” Snape walked through the lonely ray of light streaming in from the small window near the top of the opposite wall. Dust particles danced in the light, disturbed as the pair jostled them from their resting place. Remus’ nose itched looking at it. 

The pair continued this progression on each floor - looking around for abandoned corridors and classrooms to satisfy their own curiosity. As they reached the seventh floor, Remus started to feel indifferent. It was entertaining, sure, but all the rooms were beginning to look the same. They paced the floor, eyes skitting along the walls and floors for any disturbances or disillusionment charms that could be hiding rooms, like a particular room they found on the fourth floor. 

“It would be interesting to see how many of these rooms are mentioned in older Hogwarts texts, if they had any significance,” Snape mused, looking up to meet Remus’ gaze, and he had to agree.

Remus doubted any rooms would hold any real significance, but it would be interesting to find some rooms besides old classrooms. Maybe an alternative to a common room - a communal area where students from all houses could lounge by a stony fireplace and complain about their homework. Or a place to accommodate late-night studiers, a particular habit that the library didn’t especially tolerate. Or a place for students to practice hobbies that the rest of Hogwarts didn’t accommodate for; music outside of the frog choir or muggle painting.

Remus stopped a hair's width away from Snape, almost colliding into the back of his right arm. He had stopped in the middle of the corridor and looked straight ahead, while Remus was preoccupied with putting a normal amount of distance between the pair again. He followed Snape’s gaze to the end of the walkway, where an intricately designed chestnut door stood despite it not existing less than half a minute ago. 

“Bizarre…” Snape murmured and took a cautious step forwards. “It materialised out of nowhere, that wasn’t there when we turned the corner.” His statement sounded like a question to Remus, he was unsure of himself too. Nevertheless, it wasn’t unbelievable, and Remus followed closely behind Snape. 

They came to a halt in front of the door, Remus just behind Snape, and neither moved right away to open it. Remus felt the chilling sensation of goosebumps on the backs of his arms, there would be nothing ordinary about this discovery. He doubted anything would be in textbooks about Hogwarts either, he’d never heard of apparating doors and rooms before. He leaned past Snape’s shoulder and laid a flat palm against the wooden surface. He nudged it open. 

No musty smell came from the room, unlike most of the other undiscovered rooms. And in his first glance, Remus didn’t notice anything that would identify it as an old classroom. Well, not a typical classroom anyways, if anything it was like a music classroom, but even that descriptor didn’t fit. Remus and Snape stepped properly into the room and the door swung shut behind them.

In the centre of the room stood an elegant, black grand piano, far larger than Remus had ever seen. The glossy coating reflected in the artificial lighting streaming in from overhead. In front of the piano was a long, cushioned seat, the legs painted in the same glossy shine that coated the piano. Past the piano, Remus spotted a brick fireplace along the back wall, similar to the one in the Gryffindor Tower. The room had a comforting aura, drawing Remus in. He stepped forward, transfixed, edging towards the piano. 

He ran his hand over the closed keyboard before gently opening the fallboard. The keys were pristine, not discoloured with age or wear. Remus pulled back the stool and sat down, adjusting it to the right height. He ran his hands lightly over the keys, not pressing hard enough to make any sound, and relished in the familiar sensation. Muscle memory drew his fingers into a relaxed position, Remus inhaled and began to tap out a song that had been ingrained into his mind many years ago. 

It was another form of magic, music. Something he was forced to practice in his youth and fell in love with. Energy flowed between his fingertips and the crown of his head and a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He hadn’t done this in years, but it all came back to him in a matter of seconds. Every few seconds he would stumble over a note or two, but that was to be expected.

After a minute of playing, Snape reentered his vision, standing next to the piano and looking down at Remus’ widespread hands. He withdrew and looked up to meet Snape’s stunned gaze. “You play?”

“Yeah, my parents had me in lessons until I was eleven,” Remus explained. “They pulled me out of them when I got my Hogwarts letter.”

“What was that piece?”

Remus smiled again, “Liebestraume, Franz Liszt. My mother asked me to learn it for her.”

“It’s beautiful,” Snape said, voice low.

Remus chuckled, “That it is. Do you play as well?” Remus shifted along the seat and patted the spare space next to him. 

Snape scoffed, “No. Unfortunately, my parents never put any stock into the arts.” Despite this, he sat next to Remus, whose hands were now neatly folded in his lap. 

“I can teach you, if you’d like,” Remus offered before he could properly think about what exactly he was offering.

Snape rolled his shoulders back, looking rather awkward at the proposal. “Are you sure?”

“It’s the least I can do to repay you for helping me with all our schoolwork.”

“We already agreed that it was mutually beneficial, and it hasn’t been completely one-sided,” Snape said, “besides, I don’t have any money to pay you for lessons.”

“Nonsense, I wouldn’t charge you either way. And I shouldn’t con you under any false pretenses, I’ve never taught anyone how to play the piano before. It would be mostly informal.”

Snape paused, considering his words. “If you’re patient enough to put up with initial fumbling, then I’d be glad to learn under your tutelage.”

Remus laughed, “I have a terrible feeling that you’ll be a natural at this. You’ve got the right hands for it.” On a whim, Remus turned slightly and leaned across to envelope Snape’s fingers in his own. They were lean, dexterous. He’d seen them move with precision in Potions over the years, he would have no problem adapting to basic chord shapes and co-ordinating each hand to play different rhythms. Snape didn’t withdraw his hands as Remus ran a thin thumb over the backs of his knuckles, he twitched slightly at the sensation. 

Remus pulled away and faced the piano. “Before we touch the keys, we need to establish proper posture,” he rattled off, aware that he sounded like a cross between his old tutor and a textbook. “If you start playing with the wrong posture, you’ll fuck up your wrists and shoulders.” That was better.

He instructed Snape on how to hold his hands, how to position his wrists. The other man pushed the sleeves of his wool sweater up to his elbows, exposing similarly fine-boned wrists and sinewy forearms. A smart idea - Remus copied the movement. He pretended not to notice how Snape’s eyes flitted to the occasional, ragged pink scar on the top of his arms - an unpleasant side-effect of his lycanthropy that would follow him for the rest of his life. He had been kind enough to not say anything about the sparse nicks on his arms, or the new one that peaked out from the top of his collar that he got two months ago.

Remus lost track of time. He taught Snape as much as he could remember from his own first lesson - posture, positioning, the layout of the keyboard, and a simple melody. Not once did Snape sigh or complain, he was enrapt with Remus’ teaching, although Remus was painfully aware that his teaching paled in comparison to Snape’s own informative approach.

And of course, he was right, Snape was a natural. It came as second nature, he was beginning to predict where to put his fingers by the end of the lesson. After Remus decided to finish the lesson for the day, they stood up to properly inspect the rest of the room, Snape lead the way. Remus had almost forgotten that they were in such an abnormal setting; It was easy to hone in on the instrument and forget about everything else except for the man next to him.

“Do you think we’ll be able to find it again if we leave?” Remus asked.

“Only one way to find out. We test it.” Snape made his way to the door and paused in front of it, waiting for Remus. 

Remus took one last look around the room, just in case they couldn’t find it again. He studied the books lining the left wall, accompanied by desks similar to the ones in the library. The matching armchairs in front of the empty fireplace, the exact shade of red as the ones in the Gryffindor Tower. The small yet ornate chandelier over the piano. It was too lovely to go undiscovered again. 

Reluctantly, he followed Snape out of the room. After they stepped away from the large door, it melded into the wall and disappeared once more. 

“We’ll come back tomorrow. It could be operating on a time-based system,” Snape offered. 

“And if not?”

“If not, we’ll think of another method to reach it.”


	6. Friction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus: i came out to have a good time and honestly i feel so attacked right now

The come-and-go room was impossible to pinpoint on the map, Remus would come to find. Severus preferred to call it the “Room of Requirement”, arguing that the alliteration was amusing and a more fitting descriptor of the room. Several tests carried out over the rest of the holidays proved that the room would disappear and reappear, seemingly at random at first. However, Severus was the one to point out how the room changed subtly each time and suggested that the room may alter depending on what the person wanted to find inside.

To test this theory, Severus imagined a laboratory - called the image to mind so clearly that the door appeared quicker than it had in their other trials. Inside, the room was unrecognisable. Gone was the grand piano, replaced instead with an oversized cauldron and a standard set of ingredients and tools.

“Interesting, the room adapts to whatever the subject wants,” Severus mused.

On the last day of the holiday break, Remus sat alone in his dormitory. He added all the abandoned classrooms he found with Severus to the Marauder’s map. Once he finished, he tried to add the Room of Requirement - it seemed the name was growing on his after all - but the ink never plotted it. It was downright untraceable. Remus considered asking James or Sirius to try to add the room to the map when they came back to Hogwarts, but he paused.

As much as he loved his friends, he didn’t know if he wanted to share this secret with them. Over the two weeks, the Room of Requirement had become a place dear to Remus. It was a place he could go with Severus and not worry about anything. Not the judging remarks from Sirius and James about Severus, not the inter-house rivalry that followed them without relenting, not the impending threat of war - looming over the horizon of the future.

For several hours a day, he would disappear into this room with Severus. They would practice piano - Severus had picked up quite a bit in just two weeks - and once they grew tired of that, they would collapse into the armchairs and talk. Sometimes, Severus was inclined to pick a book up off one of the shelves and read it by the usually unlit fire. When he did this, Remus practiced the piano in solitude, re-immersing himself with the mechanics of the craft and the timbre of the instrument.

Not a word would be exchanged between them for hours at a time, or what felt like it. Remus could only play so long before his wrists began to ache and his fingers strained. When this happened, he stopped playing and retrieved his own book from the extensive collection. Severus had joked that it would take a millennium to get through them all, but Remus had been surprised by his pace.

Since they started the practice of reading and playing music in unison, Severus had already finished ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ by Oscar Wilde and was a fair way into ‘Don Quixote’ by Miguel de Cervantes. He said it was refreshing that the room was stocked with muggle literature, it was a break from the strictly non-fiction books stocked in the school library.

The Room of Requirement was a place for just the two of them, away from prying eyes and scathing remarks. He didn’t want to divulge it to his friends and ruin the exclusivity of the room.

And so the divide grew, and the lies accumulate. Remus ignored the guilt eating away at him under his skin, it was normal to keep some things from your friends. It was ok to lead a separate life away from your friends. Your friends, who took him in when no one else would have. Who accepted him when he should have been cast away. Who put up with his illness. Who are only looking out for others when they bully Severus and tell people that he’s a bad person.

But Severus wasn’t bad.

And Remus silently wondered how long he’d been “Severus” instead of “Snape”, and “Snape” instead of Snivellus”.

He was sarcastic, but witty. Shrewd. Talented. Surprisingly insightful. Thoughtful, at times. He could see why Lily wanted to hold onto their friendship for as long as possible when the rest of Gryffindor would whisper about how strange it was, how wrong he was. How wrong _he_ was.

* * *

“No doubt Moony spent the week fucking around,” James said to Sirius as soon as they saw him.

“My ears are in perfect working order, Prongs,” Remus replied, feigning offense. He was eager to share the amendments he made to the map, to see them grin with pride at his work. “Once the feast is over, I have to show you the map.”

They gushed over the map, agog at how Remus had the diligence to check every square inch of the school and make note of every - almost every - room, whether it was warded or simply sealed shut with age.

“This is incredible, Moony. Who’s a good boy?” Sirius teased. He leaned over the gap between their beds and ruffled a hand through Remus’ hair. “Who’s a good boy? _You’re_ a good boy.”

He swatted Sirius’ hand away. “That joke works better on you,” he said over Peter’s wheezing and James’ body-shaking laughter.

The night passed slowly and Remus relished in their company. Although it was his decision to skip out on Easter with the Potters and Sirius, he still missed seeing his friends every day. It got particularly bad over summer, which was coming up in two months. Severus and Remus had already started exam revision over the break, and Remus had the feeling that Peter in particular would need the extra nudge to get started. Even James and Sirius began to work harder as the school year drew to a close.

* * *

Balance.

Remus had to find balance. His plan for the holidays backfired. He thought that if he spent every waking moment with Severus he would eventually bore of his company. Evidently, it was quite the opposite.

They went back to their normal arrangement - seeing each other in the library at night and trying to agree on a new time to meet in the Room of Requirement to practice piano. Remus didn’t want to make any assumptions that might harm him in the long run, but it seemed as though Severus missed the regular lessons as much as he did.

But it was impractical to spend all his time with Severus. Now that classes started again and his friends were always hanging off his shoulder, he saw Severus less and less. The illusion had been broken, the safety of the Room of Requirement didn’t follow them in the halls.

It was longing, Remus realised one night as he greeted Severus in the library. A strange, uncomfortable emotion that Remus didn’t know how to grapple with. It clawed at his stomach and itched behind his eyes whenever he looked at his friend. Longing to be trapped in that room, remaking tunes from his childhood and gently conversing with his friend for hours on end. A moment frozen in time.

He needed a distraction, lest he lose his mind.

And so he pulled back over the last month of the school year. He attended the Quidditch games to cheer on James and Sirius, comfortably watching from the stands with Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas. They sat separate from the Gryffindor cheer squad, their off-key chanting and singing grated on Remus’ ears when he was exposed to it for too long. It was a cold Saturday afternoon, Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor were losing dramatically.

As soon as the game finished, he would have to quickly give James and Sirius his condolences and flee the Quidditch grounds. He didn’t want to be subjected to their foul moods that would definitely come as a result of the dreadful match.

Surely enough, Ravenclaw won and Remus could spot the fall in Sirius’ shoulders from one hundred metres away. Yes, he was going to slink away to the Room of Requirement as soon as possible to avoid the Gryffindor team’s tempers.

And so he did. James, Sirius, and Peter didn’t notice him slip away, he could feed them some excuse about exam preparation later in the evening. Remus paced in front of the entrance to the Room of Requirement, willing it to appear. The chestnut doors bled onto the wall and Remus slipped inside. He sighed, eyes shut as he leaned against the back of the closed doors. He definitely needed to light the fire that resided along the opposite wall, Remus’ face felt abused by the wind and was likely red in spots.

“You’re here,” a voice said. Remus’ eyes shot open as he gasped. He wasn’t expecting Severus to be here too, already sitting in front of the blazing fire. And he wasn’t going to say it, but he came here to be alone. As much as he enjoyed the other man’s company, he needed to unwind, to collapse on the floor away from confused eyes and figure out the mess in his head.

“…I’m here,” Remus offered lamely. Severus closed the book cradled in his lap and rose from his chair, leaving the book behind.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

_Fuck_. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” The dim light from the fire flickered over Severus’ face, illuminating his stoic expression. “You don’t have to lie to me, you’re doing enough of that to your friends.” Severus knew where to get Remus so it would hurt.

He stayed silent for a moment, not sure how to respond before Severus spoke up again, “Did they say something to you?”

“No, you know they don’t know about our arrangement.”

Snape scoffed, “ _Arrangement_.”

Remus felt his face heat up in annoyance, the red likely blended with the spots from the wind. “I didn’t come here to fight, I came here to get away from my aforementioned friends. I don’t need to be on the receiving end of your foul mood too.”

Remus traipsed over to the other chair by the fireplace and sank into it. He looked over to Severus again, who was now eyeing the door.

“What do you want from me?” Severus whispered.

Remus froze. His grip on the arms of the chair tightened, his fingers digging into the fabric. Severus looked away from the door and walked back towards the fire. He placed himself in between Remus and the fireplace; the embers silhouetted his figure, casting his face into darkness.

“What do you mean?”

Severus folded his arms over his chest, pulling his robes tight which made him look thinner than usual. “You are a very strange man, Remus Lupin.” He took a step closer. “You and your friends tried to kill me a year ago out of hatred and boredom, and now you’re trying to absolve your guilty conscious by, what, constructing a faux friendship? You take advantage of me in classes, you take advantage of my personal time, then only return my attention when it’s convenient for you.”

“That’s a lot of accusations-” Remus started softly.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for you here?” Severus all but spat, fists clenched at his sides. “And it hasn’t just been today, it’s every weekend. I wanted to see how long it would last - you promising to meet me at a certain time, then showing up sometimes _hours_ later. As it turns out, I couldn’t wait until you noticed this pattern of behaviour yourself.”

Remus frowned and stood up. Severus took a step back. “That’s what this is about? My poor memory and tardiness?”

“Your lack of commitment, your lack of empathy, your disrespect towards me, your blatant manipulation - _you always have to get what you want, don’t you_ -”

“Enough!” Remus cut him off. “You want to talk of manipulation?” He felt his grip on his composure slipping. He tried to avoid conflict at all costs, but he wasn’t going to take Severus’ insults like some shrinking violet. “Your little experiments on me have got to stop. You can’t insult me, try to push me away, and wait to see my response. You did it before the end of the last term, and _so help me_ if that’s what you’re doing again now-”

Remus gasped and threaded a hand into his hair, pulling it back from where it had flopped above his eyes. He rested his other hand on his hip, straightening his back, and looked away from Severus to regain his composure. When he looked back, Severus’ lips were pressed into a thin line and his hands were clasped in front of him.

“That’s not what I was doing now, but if you want to call that manipulation, be my guest.” Severus pulled out his wand and flicked it at his discarded book. It whizzed through the air and found its place back on the bookshelf. “I’ll leave you be. You don’t have to seek me out this time, it’ll be better for both of us,” he finished coldly.

Remus didn’t turn around when the door slammed.

* * *

Remus pushed his mashed potato idly around his plate with his fork, resting his chin on his other hand.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was that time of the month, Moony,” Sirius whispered next to him. Across from them, Peter and James were arguing about gravy consistency; Peter swore he could pinpoint who was in charge of gravy flavour and thickness out of the house elves he’d seen, while James firmly argued that he was insane.

Remus looked up from his plate and gave Sirius a smile. “I’m fine, stomach ache, that’s all.” Sirius nodded and went back to the gravy discussion.

The trio missed the look Remus gave Severus from across the hall. It wasn’t returned, and Remus couldn’t decide whether he was happy or not about that.


	7. Stop Thinking (About Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is desperate to mend fences before the Summer holidays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of domestic violence

The end of year exams kept Remus’ mind busy. They were a downgrade from the O.W.Ls last year, but intense all the same. Remus didn’t have time to worry about Severus and his abrupt mood swings. They hadn’t spoken since Severus’ explosion in the Room of Requirement. 

A day after their fight, Remus checked the library during their usual study time but found it empty. James had the map, so Remus manually searched the castle. He checked the Room of Requirement - empty as well - plus a few of the nicer, abandoned classrooms they found weeks ago in case Severus was stowed away in there instead. Remus concluded that Severus was holed away somewhere in the dungeons, away from his reach.

It seemed that Severus kept his word, this wasn’t some ridiculous mind game. He just wanted to be away from Remus. 

Remus pretended that it didn’t sting. Instead, he kept Sirius, James, and Peter company in their studies. It was a change of pace from what he had grown accustomed to - not unpleasant, but different. He’d forgotten how dependent on his friends he used to be.

The exams passed, end of year celebrations were held, and the population of the school flocked to the scarlet train at the platform. Sirius had spent the morning desperately searching for a missing jacket, while Peter spent his time huddled under his crimson sheets until the last possible minute. James and Remus waited for them both in the common room. Similar chaos happened around them - first years tried to locate lost books and fourth years argued over whose hairbrush was whose.

Sirius and Peter eventually prepared themselves and the four followed the masses to the train station. They found a compartment in one of the front carriages, and after half an hour of lounging, the train departed.

Three hours passed and Remus tried to ignore the persistent nagging in the back of his mind. 

“-not taking no for an answer this time, Moony,” James said. 

Remus blinked back into focus. “Sorry, what?”

Sirius snorted, “Off in his own world again.”

“You and Peter have got to visit Sirius and I over the holidays at least once. We’ve got the space, and I’m not taking no for an answer,” James repeated. 

“Of course, just gotta time it right,” Remus agreed. Sirius and James gave him a knowing look, but Peter made a noise of confusion. “The moon,” Remus clarified.

Remus disappeared into his thoughts once more as James messed around with artisanal spells. They were quite beautiful, Remus thought, a swirling mess of colours and vague figures. James had always been fantastic with charms, and if James kept away from terrorising a certain Slytherin, he might mention that fact to Lily early next year. No doubt she’d be impressed. They would make an attractive couple, everyone had thought so for years except Lily herself. 

Even now, Remus’ thoughts strayed to Severus. There was no realistic way he could get them to leave him alone.

But that was the least of his worries. He needed to see Severus before they arrived at Kings Cross Station. If he disappears into the crowd and Remus doesn’t see him before the summer break, there’s a chance that their friendship will become irreparable. The divide would grow, and awkwardness would seep into any conversation they attempted next year, minds still concerned about their argument at the end of their sixth year.

No, Remus wouldn’t allow that to happen. It was now or never. Remus stood up, slightly swaying with the train.

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked. He’d changed his posture, arm now propped up on James’ shoulder.

“Just out to stretch my legs, I’ll be back soon,” Remus said. 

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Remus - curse his skepticism. “Okay.”

Remus released the tension in his shoulders and slid out of the compartment. He turned back to shut the door, Sirius was still watching him with suspicion, while James and Peter were already caught up in a new topic of conversation.

Remus slowly traipsed through the different carriages. He looked into the compartments as he passed, and he spotted Lily, Marlene, and Mary in one. Lily briefly raised her hand as he passed and gave a small, acknowledging smile which Remus returned. He continued on. 

He travelled from the third carriage to the seventh before he saw any Slytherins. Some were playing cards in a compartment, others were reading, and some of the younger ones were getting their last taste of magic before the term commences next. Still no sign of Severus. 

Just as Remus thought he ought to give up his search, he reached the end of the train and checked the last two compartments. One had a mix of Ravenclaw and Slytherin fourth years and the last one - _Aha_! Severus had an elbow propped up on the windowsill, holding a small book in one hand just below eye level. He wore the familiar black sweater and a pair of loose, faded black slacks. He looked smaller than usual - curled up in the corner of the compartment. 

He reached forward and rapped lightly on the glass door with a singular knuckle. Remus watched as Severus startled, swivelling to look at the door and almost dropping his book in the process. His face was slack in shock for a moment before he recognised who knocked. He furrowed his brow but ultimately waved Remus in. He entered and leaned against the closed door instead of sitting.

“Hey.” _Great start, Remus_.

“What?” Severus asked. 

Remus trained his eyes on his face, all he could find was mild annoyance. He sat down opposite Severus, their knees nearly knocking together in the small room. “I wanted to apologise for how I treated you that day.”

“Marvelous. Okay, you can leave now,” Severus said coldly, going to pick up his book again. 

“ _No_ , wait.” Before he could think, Remus darted out a hand to stop him. He pulled Severus’ hand away from the book, enveloping the pale digits in his own grasp. The skin was smooth but still as cold as it had been at the end of winter.

Remus paid no mind to Severus’ small noise of confusion, instead, he continued on with what he wanted to say while he had the man’s attention. “You didn’t deserve to be kept in the dark like that, I should have been more forthcoming-”

“Big words, Lupin,” Severus snorted. 

“-And I didn’t want us to part on a bad note,” Remus finished softly, not looking up from their joined hands. Was it normal to hold onto a friend like this for this long? Remus dropped his hand just to be sure and sat upright. “We shouldn’t let a little fight come between us.”

When nothing followed, Remus finally looked up. Severus had an unreadable expression on his face, as he so often did. Then something occurred to Remus. “That is, if you still want anything to do with me.”

This finally broke the quiet spell, Severus frowned and folded his arms. “Who do you take me for?”

“I-” Remus spluttered, not too sure what he meant.

“If you want to get rid of me, you’ll have to try harder than that,” Severus said, the words familiar and light. “I should have sought you out sooner, but I got caught up with the exams and-”

“It’s fine,” Remus cut him off, “I did too.” Faint dots of colour appeared on Severus’ sallow cheeks. Common ground, Remus was glad they found it after all those arduous weeks apart. He was starting to sound like a scorned lover; he needed to change his line of thinking.

“Next year I’ll learn to balance more, that’s my main problem,” Remus said, mostly to himself. It might be helpful to get Severus’ advice on the topic. That’s what caused this whole mess in the first place - Remus trying to lead a double life. 

“Not good at time management, are you?” Severus asked. 

Remus chuckled, “Evidently not. Any advice?”

Severus leaned back into his seat and bit his lower lip in thought. After a moment, he spoke, “I assume you’re referring to balancing between me and your Gryffindor cronies.” Remus nodded. “In that case, let’s just _manage_ our time. It sounds dull to schedule times to meet, but it’ll be the easiest way to get around your friends.”

Remus hummed in response, it was the most logical solution, but it seemed rather anticlimactic. To hell with it, anything was better than the confusing mess that was the last term. 

“Do you have any suggestions?” Remus asked.

“We should wait until we get out schedules, but I assume you’re still taking all the same subjects?” Severus replied. 

Remus nodded. “And we’ll meet most nights in the library.” Severus gave him an amused expression, which triggered Remus to ask, “What?”

“I can think of a better place to host our studies - when we aren’t in dire need of the library’s resources, of course.”

The Room of Requirement. Of course. It’s untraceable too, Remus was sure this would save him some awkward conversations if anyone ever looked at the Marauder’s Map and saw him and Severus holed away somewhere together. 

“Perfect,” Remus agreed, “but what about outside of our studies?”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to see you outside of studies, I thought that much was straightforward-”

“Careful,” Severus glowered. “As flattering as that is, you’ll gain no points by being sarcastic.”

“ _You’re_ sarcastic,” Remus countered, laughing.

Severus ignored Remus’ very valid point, instead, he answered with, “I’m quite partial to the music lessons, I’ve missed them in your absence.”

“Did you keep practicing without me?”

“Yes, although it was hard without a guide, be that a person or some kind of written work.” At this, Remus made a mental note to bring his old piano books with him when the next term started. 

“We’ll have to change that, I’ll have to resume teaching you myself. I missed our time together just as much as you did," Remus grinned.

Severus smiled at that, small and close-mouthed, but sweet nonetheless. “Tell me more about your music, why did your parents enroll you in lessons?”

The shift in conversation brought a wave of peace over Remus. He relaxed into his seat, not realising how much tension had been coursing through his upper back and neck, keeping him strung taut as a string. Remus divulged about his family and the history of his music. His mother was a muggle, a pianist herself in her formative years before he developed early-onset arthritis. She enrolled Remus in piano when he was still too short to reach the pedals. Looking back, Remus realised she was living vicariously through him, but that didn’t spoil the memories. 

The hours passed, Remus didn’t notice until the light outside the window faded and the distinct London skyline started to appear along the horizon. They spoke about their families - Remus had the sinking feeling that Severus was withholding something about his home life -; their apparent similar taste in music and literature; and Remus couldn’t help but ask about some of the original spells inscribed into the pages of Severus’ books. He was more honest now than he was when Remus asked him months ago. Some of the spells sounded rather dark, Remus would never dare use them, but he couldn’t help but wonder where the inspiration to make such spells came from.

His stomach clenched as he thought of James and Sirius and their harassment disguised as pranks, of himself and that damn incident in the Shrieking Shack over a year ago. Of Severus’ father, and the foreboding way he maneuvered away from talking about him. 

Remus watched how Sirius flourished once he ran away from home and moved in with James. He had his suspicions about Sirius’ family ever since his parents sent him a howler for being sorted into Gryffindor. All it had taken was a late night and an exceptionally tired Sirius for him to spill everything about family to Remus; the curses and hexes, the corporeal punishment, the neglect and favouritism. 

He swallowed as he recognised a lot of the same traits in Severus just from him speaking about his family, but unlike his talk with Sirius, he wasn’t going to coax information out of him. Their friendship was still too fragile, too unstable, but he vowed to ask him about it once Severus was comfortable to talk. There wasn’t much Remus could do to stop the situation, but he wanted to support him. Protect him, if he could. 

And who knows, he could have read Severus’ answers completely wrong. But he felt this wasn’t the case.

“Wouldn’t your friends be wondering where you are?” Severus asked.

Remus blinked blearily, pushing the thoughts from his mind. _Fuck_ , he was only supposed to be gone for twenty or so minutes. He’d been with Severus the entire train ride back to London.

“Yes, right, I should go.” Remus abruptly stood up, head almost hitting the overhead compartment in his haste. He turned to leave but stopped. “You don’t have an owl or anything else I can contact you with?”

Severus frowned, “Unfortunately not, I think this is the last time I’ll see you before September.”

“Right,” Remus said. He was disappointed, but Severus had informed him earlier that his father hated magic, so he expected this. “I’ll see you in two months.”

“Remus,” Severus spoke up before he could leave the compartment, “you…I take back what I said about you not talking to me about your friends. You- you can talk about anything you want with me, lest we reach another disagreement over something trivial like that again.” 

Remus met his eyes. It looked like it pained him to say that he would tolerate talk of James, Sirius, and Peter, but he appreciated the sentiment nonetheless. “Thank you, now let’s not speak of that fight ever again.” They hadn’t spoken of their fight in several hours; it must have been playing on Severus’ mind for quite a while, deliberating over whether or not to retract the previously set rule.

“I can agree to that, see you in September,” Severus said. 

“Have a nice summer, Severus.” Remus left without another word. He felt lighter than he had in weeks.

He walked slowly back to his own carriage, aware of a small smile on his face that he couldn’t remove, no matter how hard he tried. It would be pointless trying to hide it once he reached his friends once more.

Sure enough, when Remus slid back into the compartment, Sirius shot up and pointed an accusing finger at him. “I _knew_ it! You _were_ going to see some girl, weren’t you?”

Before Remus could respond, James spoke up. “Ah, leave him alone, Pads. Moony can take care of himself, and if he wants to have a secret, sordid relationship, who are we to intervene?”

“No- James-,” Remus tried.

“But aren’t you curious, at least?” Sirius cut him off, jostling James’ shoulder. 

“Of course I am, but he can tell us whenever he’s ready. He’s probably scared that we’ll scare her off,” James beamed up at Remus. 

Remus returned the smile and sat next to Peter. “Don’t worry about where I was, we have about ten minutes to decide when Wormtail and I are coming around to your place, Prongs. You know how much I love your mum's cooking, I wouldn’t miss it for the world this time.”

At the mention of their holiday rendezvous, everyone forgot about Remus’ disappearance, and he couldn’t be happier.


	8. Edge Of Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus returns to Hogwarts for his final year. There are some new developments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've created a [Snupin Discord](https://discord.gg/3tM5JEef) if anyone was interested in joining. We'll just swap some fics and art and talk about the ship, it's super chill :D

The first day of September was a cold day, an anomaly amongst the preceding hot summer. Remus stood on Platform 9&3/4 with a thick scarf wrapped twice around his neck and his hands shoved in his pockets. He hadn’t seen any of his friends yet, and he probably wouldn’t see them until he boarded the train. 

This year he took the liberty of shrinking his luggage so it would fit in his pocket, it made boarding the train a lot easier. Once he was inside, he was faced with a decision. He could turn left, towards the front of the train, and find Sirius, James, and Peter in their usual spots. Or, he could turn right and hope to find Severus in the same carriage that he was in at the end of their sixth year. 

People pushed past Remus; he was blocking the doorway. He turned right and quickly made his way to the end of the train. Sure enough, Severus was in the same end compartment, already looking through the seventh year herbology book. His copy looked weatherbeaten, but it was likely already filled with spiky handwriting and runes. 

Remus rapped on the glass as he did last time and swung the door open as Severus looked up. He sat opposite Severus after he closed the door behind him. 

“Already got your nose in a book?” Remus teased.

“It’s never too early to start,” Severus reasoned. “You care to join me?” He patted the seat beside him. 

Remus smiled and stood up to change seats. As he did, the train lurched as it departed from the station, sending Remus flying forward into Severus. He caught himself on the overhead compartment, bracing one arm on either side of Severus. His black hair tickled at his jaw and he could feel his steady breath against his collarbone. Severus’ hands flew up to grab his waist to stop him from falling on top of him. The contact burned through Remus’ shirt, a faint tingling surged around the area, and Severus’ grip tightened as the train sped up. Once he felt he could stand without falling over, he pulled away and Severus dropped his hands. Remus sat down next to him before anything else disastrous could happen.

Severus picked up the book he dropped in the commotion and opened it to the last page he was on. Remus didn’t look straight away, instead, he was fixated on the hair that had just been resting under his jaw. It was still long and black, stopping at his shoulders, but the ends fell in a blunt line as though someone had cut directly across it. Smaller pieces framed his face, resting against his cheekbones and falling to his jaw. It was nice, surprisingly, and Remus thought once more of the regality that reminded him of Severus.

“New haircut?” Remus asked, gesturing to his hair. Severus looked up from the book and a thin hand flew to a lock that fell to his jaw, running it over his fingers. He looked uncharacteristically sheepish for a moment before he smirked.

“Yes, I did it just so you would notice,” Severus said sarcastically.

Remus hit the back of his arm lightly with the back of his hand, laughing. “Someone had to, right?”

The train ride passed as quickly as it did at the end of their sixth year. Remus showed Severus some of the piano books he brought in from home, explaining how he got back into playing piano over the break. The Lupin’s piano was admittedly not as nice as the Hogwarts one, with some of the highest keys half a step out of tune, but practice was practice and it got the job done. Severus confessed that he had forgotten a thing or two over the break, but Remus was pleased to see that he was eager to start learning again. 

Instead of seeking James, Sirius, and Peter out while they were all still on the train, he resolved to meeting them during the Welcoming Feast. Before they left the train, Remus took out his luggage and re-enlarged it so the elves could take it to his dormitory. Remus and Severus got separated in the crowd outside the train, but Remus spotted Lily in a carriage with Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas. He jumped in just before it started rolling towards the castle and greeted the girls. Mary pointed out the shining Head Girl badge pinned to Lily’s robes - something he would have missed as it was covered by her flowing red hair until Mary ordered she moved it.

The cohorts crammed into the Great Hall, it was difficult for Remus to see anything over the masses of heads. After scanning along the Gryffindor table, he spotted James, Sirius, and Peter halfway along. Sirius, seated opposite the other two, was the first to spot Remus, and waved him over. He weaved through the crowd and sat next to Sirius before someone else could take his seat.

“Where were you?” Sirius asked, elbowing his arm. “We didn’t see you on the train at all.”

“Don’t worry, I got caught up with some Ravenclaws from my Astronomy class,” Remus lied, shrugging at Sirius. “They almost talked my ears off, I couldn’t get away.”

“It has to be that girl,” Sirius teased, shaking his head.

“I think you’re obsessed with this non-existent girl, Sirius,” Remus sighed. He considered telling them about Severus just so they would stop harassing him about this fabricated girl, he didn’t know how much more of it he could take. 

“You also missed James’ news,” Sirius interrupted his thoughts and eyed James’ chest - or the gleaming ‘Head Boy’ badge on his chest.

“Oh, stop it,” James feigned a coy voice, “seriously, I don’t know how much more praise I can take.”

“No seriously, it brings out the colour of your eyes, you’re bound to bring in Lily’s attention with that statement piece,” Sirius fluttered his eyes and leaned forward on the table, cradling his chin in his palms. James moved to knock Sirius’ arms out from underneath him, but Sirius pulled back in time, laughing.

Remus thought of the matching badge pinned to Lily Evans. “You won’t have to try too hard, Lily’s got a matching ‘Head Girl’ badge. She’ll have to try pretty hard to avoid you this year.”

Sirius and Peter both eyed Remus in similar displays of shock. They turned back to James, who looked rather unsteady.

“I may have forgotten to tell you all that part,” James admitted.

“What?” Sirius nearly shouted, before lowering his voice again. “How did you manage to forget to tell us that _very_ important detail?”

James shrugged, “I didn’t want it to be a big deal. I’m serious about her, and if you three make a big fuss over it, I’ll never get her to come around to me.”

“Inspiring,” Sirius mused, “I’ll try my best to keep my nose out of it, but I can’t promise anything.”

James rolled his eyes and smiled, but his expression soured as he turned his attention back to Remus. He narrowed his eyes, “Moony, how did _you_ know about Lily?”

“I saw her badge earlier, I took a carriage up to the castle with her, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas,” Remus answered.

“Lady’s man,” Sirius chuckled.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Don’t say that as if you aren’t smitten by Marlene.”

“I am not _smitten_ with anyone,” Sirius countered, “and I’d clarify to James that you aren’t intending to steal Lily away from him if I were you.”

Remus looked across to James who reeled back and glared at Sirius, who suddenly looked sheepish. “I’m not worried about that,” James defended, turning a sincere expression to Remus. “I doubt his mystery woman has been Lily this whole time.”

“And we’re back to this ‘mystery woman’ rubbish,” Remus laughed.

Before either of them could continue with their ribbing, Albus Dumbledore stood at the top of the hall to give his welcoming speech. The sorting ceremony passed soon thereafter, and the table flashed with various servings; Roast lamb, mashed potatoes, stuffed duck, greek salad, gravy boats and buttered bread. 

The conversation drifted back to James’ Head Boy position. He thrust his chest forward in a gesture that Remus wasn’t entirely convinced was ironic. At one point, Sirius reached across to pretend to shine the badge with his own spit. 

“We’ll be unstoppable with this, think of all the things we can get away with,” Sirius grinned.

“Is that the only thing you can think of?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“It’s the only _real_ benefit,” Sirius shrugged. He lodged his fork into a piece of lamb. 

“Besides, we already have the map and the cloak, a badge won’t be of much help,” Peter piped up, words muffled through a mouthful of food.

James cleared his throat, “Don’t forget that this is _my_ badge, you leeches.” He straightened up and looked down his nose at them in a fierce impersonation of some authoritarian.

The time passed with Sirius musing about “the endless possibilities” and James trying his best to scold him for the ingenious ideas. The gentle din of the Great Hall surrounded them. 

Remus would have missed what Sirius said next had it not been for the urgency in his voice: “Don’t look now, but you won’t believe who's greasing us off from the Slytherin table.”

He followed Sirius’ angry gaze to the Slytherin table - where he locked eyes with Severus. James and Peter turned around to glare openly at Severus, completely foregoing Sirius’ warning. Now that no one would see, Remus gave Severus a small, quick smile. Severus didn’t spare a glance at the other Marauders, and even from across the hall, Remus could spot the small glint of recognition in his eyes. He looked away, black hair obscuring his face, and started talking to the blonde Slytherin next to him.

“Strange, but that’s Snivvy for you,” James said as he turned back around.

Sirius sneered at Severus’ turned head and refocused his attention to his plate. Towards the end of the feast, Remus caught Severus’ eye again and smiled for a second time. The gesture went unnoticed by the Marauders, but this time, Severus smiled back. Small and unassuming, but Remus’ chest filled with warmth - it was a rare occurrence to get Severus to genuinely smile, let alone over _nothing_. Remus got an unusual thrill from the knowledge that _he’s_ the one that caused it.

He lost sight of Severus in the crowd as the students were dismissed for the night. James led the new Gryffindors back to the Common Room, Lily flanked his side and told them the password. Remus and the rest of the Seventh years loitered at the back; Sirius stifled a laugh as he watched James try to be overly professional with the first years. 

Eventually, they made their way to their dormitories. Remus immediately fell back on his bed - his luggage was sitting at the foot of that particular bed. The rest settled in for the night, the moonlight danced through the window as Remus felt his eyelids grow heavy. Peter started talking about something that happened over the summer and Remus was roused from his half-sleep. While he was still lucid, he decided to change in the bathroom connected to the dorm. 

When he came back, hair wet and clad in linen pajamas, Sirius was back to the topic of all the pranks they could get away with thanks to James’ badge.

“Seriously, think of all the shit we can get away with thanks to that badge. Snivellous won’t be able to do a damn thing about it this year,” Sirius grinned, resting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes.

James cleared his throat, which bought all their gazes back to him. “Actually, I spoke to Lily on the train about that-”

“ _Prongs_.”

“-And she told me to leave him alone this year.”

Sirius groaned and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of his bed. “ _Why_? She’s not even friends with the git anymore.”

“Moral obligation, maybe,” Remus suggested, keeping the joy from his face. This is it. Lily’s orders could eventually be his ticket out of his weird double life. 

“I don’t know, but I’m honouring it. I don’t give a damn about him anymore. If this gets me in Lily’s good graces, then so be it,” James said. 

“Prongs, come on, are you seriously this desperate?” Sirius scowled, the harshness clashed with the usual beauty of his features. Remus bit the inside of his cheek and looked across to Peter, who bore a similar look of worry. 

“Don’t start,” James rubbed a thumb on his temple, likely fighting off an impending headache.

Sirius paused and bit his lip, furrowing his brow as he considered the other man’s words. “Fine. You promised her that you wouldn’t prank Sniv? Then don’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t watch,” he grinned.

James matched his smile and Peter giggled when he realised the implications. Remus, however, did not share their amusement but forced a smile onto his face. 

“So, I’ll be joining Remus, right?” James asked.

“Right,” Remus said after a beat. 

“Someday you’ll join me, Remus,” Sirius spoke up, “You’ll debase yourself when you realise how fun it can be. Besides, it’s not like the git doesn’t deserve half the shit we send his way.”

Remus bit his tongue and nodded, not trusting himself to say anything inconspicuous.

“What? No rebuttal? We’ve been here a couple of hours and the school year has already broken you,” Sirius laughed. He lay back down on his four-poster bed, swinging his feet up over the sides. “You know, I think you secretly find it funny. You can’t keep up this ‘mum friend’ act forever, Moony.”

“But I hope he does,” Peter said, pulling his duvet up to his chin. “Moony’s nice - nicer than you lot. And he did my Transfiguration homework that one time.”

“Okay, okay, no need to kiss his arse that hard,” Sirius teased. 

“You trying to say we aren’t nice, Wormtail?” James asked. 

“N-no! _No_ , of course not,” Peter stuttered. Sirius laughed again when Peter’s face grew awkward red blotches. 

Remus exhaled and shut his eyes for a moment. At least the conversation was away from Severus now. He could deal with the rest in the morning. Maybe a chat with Lily was a wise idea - to see if she would help him steer the Marauders away from Severus. He could ask _why_ she would want to do that afterwards. 

No, first he needed to talk to Severus to see what really happened with Lily. Remus didn’t want Severus to be upset if he found out that he spoke to Lily about him. He couldn’t ask him unprompted either - he might get suspicious. He needed to wait for the right time. That could be months, and in the meantime, Remus had to ward them off himself. 

He flicked off the light on his bedside table. That would be a headache for the morning.


	9. A Day In The Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus picks a Potions partner for the year, and he and Severus resume their piano sessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter! I hope you all enjoy!

The first Potions lesson of the year was nearly a fiasco.

Remus woke up on the first day of the semester feeling woozy. The full moon was tomorrow night and the cyclic flushes and chills started early in the morning. After a cold shower, they numbed and fizzled out, but a tender headache started to sprout between his eyebrows. Typical.

At breakfast, James noticed that he was feeling under the weather. “Has it already come around so soon, Remus? Ready for tomorrow night?” He asked.

“Am I ever ready?” 

Sirius laughed around a piece of toast - a sarcastic, defeated sound. “You have a point, Moony.” He could tell he felt awkward talking about it.

After the incident, things weren’t the same with Sirius. Over time, their friendship repaired and reverted back to what it had been. But on every full moon, there was a quiet reminder in the back of Remus’ head about what he did. It had resurfaced, clouding his thoughts and adding to his growing headache. 

_That would never happen again. Sirius would never do that again_. Remus tried to calm his inner monologue with affirmations - it was their final year, they had no room to fuck up.

But Severus could have ended up like him - in excruciating pain once a month, embarrassed, scarred, ashamed. Now more than ever, Remus was thankful that things didn’t end that way. 

The walk to Potions was nearly silent. Remus’ feet dragged, scuffing the ground as he felt his blood pressure wax and wane. Sirius slowed his pace and reached across to sling an arm around his shoulder. “You’re looking pale, Moony.”

“Well spotted, Pads,” Remus sighed.

“Are you sure you’ll survive all those fumes for an hour?” Sirius asked. “You look like you’re about to collapse.”

“I’ve survived it in the past, nothing has changed. I’ll feel better once I get to sit down,” Remus offered a weak smile. Sirius nodded and dropped the topic, but didn’t remove his arm from around his shoulder. 

They arrived outside of the Potions classroom, everyone else in the class was waiting for Slughorn to open the classroom for the morning. Remus caught Severus’ eye; he was leaning against the opposite wall. He furrowed his brow when he saw Remus’ pale face and slouched posture. He raised an eyebrow in an attempt to find out what was ailing him. Remus quickly looked around - Sirius was now talking with James on his other side, and Peter didn’t take NEWT Potions - before mouthing the words “full moon” to Severus. He nodded once, stoic, before looking away once more.

Slughorn eventually opened the classroom and the students went to find their seats from the previous year before halting. The desks weren’t sorted into rows anymore, instead, they were segregated into tables that seated two people.

“Pick your seats, you’ll be working in pairs for your final year. As a cohort, you all could learn a bit of teamwork - plus, a change of curriculum deems this important for all future students. Don’t worry about houses either,” Slughorn instructed.

Sirius slinked into the seat next to James - expected - but Remus wasn’t bothered. Neither of them were particularly brilliant at Potions when compared with their other subjects, and Remus didn’t want to carry their weight. His eyes drifted to the spare seat next to Severus. He silently walked over there, hoping he didn’t look too eager to join him in case James or Sirius were watching him. He dropped his belongings on the desk, causing Severus to jump and look up at him. Remus offered him a small smile as he sank into the chair next to him. Severus gave him a small nod of approval before turning his attention back to the front of the room. 

The lesson continued, they started on a variation of truth serum, and now that he was sitting down, Remus’ dizziness and headache started to subside. Halfway through preparing the ingredients, Severus’ hand darted out to stop Remus from cutting a plant stem mid-slice. He gently pulled the knife from Remus’ grasp, Remus let him - if he knew Severus, he knew he was about to revolutionise Remus’ technique.

“The recipe calls for the wax on the inside of the stem. Instead of cutting the stem horizontally, make one slice vertically-” Severus grabbed a new stem and demonstrated, “-then run the blade perpendicularly down the stem to collect the wax on the blade. This way you’re not also adding the outer stem.” He tapped the knife on the edge of the cauldron so the wax fell off the blade and landed into the gently broiling contents.

“Are we not supposed to add the rest of the plant?” Remus asked.

“No, otherwise the recipe would call for it. It specifically wants the wax,” Severus explained.

“But the method, Slughorn-”

“Forget what Slughorn said,” Severus said under his breath, “I’ve made this before, and I’ll tell you now that the unnecessary ingredients lowers the potency of the potion.”

Remus nodded and tried the method out with Severus’ technique.

* * *

“Another perfect potion, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Mr. Snape,” Slughorn said as he inspected their potion at the end of the lesson. “And Mr. Lupin, it’s good to see you having such a strong start to the year.” He moved on to inspect the next pair’s potion.

“You were right,” Remus smiled at his partner.

“Of course I was,” Severus smirked. “You would be surprised by how many things Slughorn misses when he teaches us,” he whispered the last part, as Slughorn was still only two desks over.

Remus hummed in agreement. 

After bottling their potions, Slughorn dismissed the class and everyone moved to gather their belongings. Before James and Sirius had the chance to cross the room and pull him away, Remus jostled Severus’ shoulder so he would look up at him. 

“Are we still meeting tonight? I’ll be knocked out for a few days after tomorrow, so I hope you can make it,” Remus explained.

“Why’s that?” Severus asked. Remus laughed before he recognised a strange look of innocence on his face.

“You’re serious? The full moon is tomorrow night,” Remus continued to chuckle, albeit at a lower volume. “For such a talented, young wizard, you can be really slow sometimes.”

Severus raised his scroll of unused parchment and swung it at his head. Remus ducked and successfully dodged it. He brought a hand to his stomach as he trembled with laughter. 

“Don’t be an arsehole,” Severus scowled. Remus looked up and met his eyes - while the rest of his face was set in a hard scowl, lines creased the corners of his eyes as though he were trying not to laugh along with him.

“Okay, okay. I’ll apologise to you by starting that essay that Slughorn just assigned the class,” Remus offered, straightening up. “I’ll write all the gritty bits of yours so you don’t have to do any hard work, how does that sound?” Remus was only joking, he knew Severus would never agree to that.

“Are you insane?” _Yes_. “Trust you with my Potions essay? I don’t want my first Dreadful for the subject, thank you,” Severus said. He lowered his voice, “But yes, I’ll meet you in the Room of Requirement tonight.”

They parted ways and Remus reunited with James and Sirius in the corridor. James was grimacing and Sirius looked as though he were on the edge of a fit of laughter.

“You really lucked out this year, huh? What did you do to get partnered with that git?” Sirius asked. 

Remus shrugged, not meeting either of their eyes. “You two paired up so quickly and there weren’t any other people left.” _Distract them, shift the blame onto them_.

Sirius’ face fell. “Sorry, Moony.”

“It’s fine,” Remus mumbled.

“It goes without saying that we do _not_ envy you,” James joked, jostling Remus as they began to walk up from the dungeons.

“Naturally,” Remus agreed. He sighed, trying to think of a way to dismiss the topic. “At least he knows what he’s doing, I won’t be failing anything in Potions this year.”

Sirius groaned and agreed before jokingly begging Remus to switch partners with him. “James is hopeless!” was his justification. James reached behind Remus to shove Sirius away, triggering bickering between the two all the way to their next class.

* * *

Night fell after dinner in the Great Hall and Remus traipsed back up to the Gryffindor tower to gather his belongings before meeting with Severus. The Potions predicament went largely forgotten for the rest of the day, which Remus was thankful for. Hopefully, their nonchalant attitudes towards his new partner would carry through to his social life, but he wasn’t that hopeful. Delusional.

Remus left the Marauder’s Map in Sirius’ bedside drawers, he hardly needed it. He knew where the Room of Requirement was - obviously - and he couldn’t be tracked in that room either. If anyone was curious about where Remus was going - and why should they be, he told them he was going to the library - they wouldn’t see who he was truly with. 

He subtly slid some of the piano books into his book bag as well. Remus was unsure whether they would have time to play tonight, but he was hopeful anyways. He hoisted the bookbag strap onto his shoulder and redirected his attention to the mirror that hung on the wall between his and Sirius’ beds.

Remus never put much stock into his looks outside of basic hygiene. He would brush out any knots in his hair in the morning, maybe sweep it to the side or up out of his eyes, and he would go on his merry way. But tonight, he paused. He wasn’t sure why, and he would deliberate over the reason in his mind for months to come, but he paused.

He grimaced at the faint bags under his eyes that would appear around this time of the month. There was a faint pink hue under his skin, likely a result of the nightly flushes, but it cancelled out the unhealthy pallor his skin uptook every month. He studied his face for the first time in months; the slope of his brow, the smattering of freckles across his nose - more plentiful than the last time he truly looked, the high rise of his cheekbones - though not high enough to suggest pureblood status or arrogance. 

Before he turned away, he ran a hand through his hair. Trying to put a bit of volume back into it this late in the day was nearly impossible, but Remus attempted it regardless. He looked directly into his own hazel eyes, watched his pupils constrict in the overhead light, and turned around. 

_Why did he do that?_

From the look on Sirius’ face, he was wondering the same thing.

“You said you were going to the library?” Sirius asked.

Remus paused. “Yes.”

“What are you doing, getting pretty to study?” He snickered. 

_What was he doing?_

Remus fought the rising heat in his cheeks. “No, I’m not.”

“Then what was all this about?” James piped up from the other side of the room. He made a show of flicking some imaginary long hair over his shoulders, mocking Remus. He batted his eyelashes at Remus and giggled, raising a hand to daintily cover his mouth.

“Okay I didn’t _giggle_ , you prick,” Remus crossed his arms over his chest.

“So you admit it then?” James countered.

Remus stumbled over his words, stammering out half-phrases before opting to just say, “So?”

Sirius barked out a single laugh as he looked from James to Remus. Remus shot him a chastising glare - a last-ditch attempt to shut him up, but only prompted him to goad him further. “We were wrong this whole time, Prongs. Remus has fallen in love with Madame Irving. Do say ‘hello’ to her for me when you see her.”

Time was running thin and Remus couldn’t stand any more of their witticisms. He mocked his friends’ cacophonous laughter and shot them a quick smile before he left his dorm.

Ten minutes later found him approaching the Room of Requirement. Severus was standing outside, still swathed in school robes and willing the room to appear. Soundlessly he approached the other boy and waited only a step behind him and to the side. Remus reached across and tapped his opposite shoulder.

Severus gasped and swivelled around to face the opposite direction, and upon seeing no one, reoriented to face Remus, who now bore a ridiculously oversized grin.

“Which one of your arsehole friends taught you that?” Severus grumbled as the door materialised.

“You’re only upset because I managed to fool you with something juvenile,” Remus taunted. He reached out and held the door open for Severus, who brushed past him and made a beeline for one of the armchairs by the fireplace.

“It was _juvenile_ alright, refrain from your childish gimmicks around me in the future,” Severus ordered. Remus hummed in agreement and closed the door behind him. The bookbag burned against his side - Remus’ mind was fixated on the plethora of piano books he had stowed away in it. He opened the flap of the bag to fish out one of the books when he spotted Severus setting up his parchment and ink on the wooden table in front of the chairs.

“What are you doing?” Remus asked.

Severus looked over his shoulder, flicking raven tendrils of hair from his face in the process, and raised a black eyebrow. “What are _you_ doing?”

“I, I thought we could-” Remus raised his hand, now clutching a piano book, and vaguely gestured to his side where the piano stood.

Severus’ dark eyes followed Remus’ gesture and a downtrodden look graced his features. “That, I’m afraid, is a luxury we can indulge in after we finish our essays.”

A full hour passed by in near silence - besides Severus’ helpful corrections. It was refreshing, to be back in the gentle ebb and flow of conversation and school work - although Remus doubted the word “refreshing” was quite the right fit for the work component. No, but he missed this. Severus.

It was an odd feeling, to miss someone, one he’s not entirely comfortable admitting to. He felt this towards Sirius after their brief estrangement in fifth year. But this felt…different. He couldn’t quite make it out, not yet, but he felt different in Severus' presence compared to how he felt last year. He noticed it on the train ride on their first day, and he noticed it now. 

After the night air began to creak in through the cracks in the window and slide under the door, lowering the temperature of the room, Remus lit the fire. It crackled in the background, providing a gentle ambiance to the room - alongside the scratching of the quills and flicking of the pages. 

Remus looked over to Severus and studied his profile, silhouetted by the firelight. His black hair had fallen in front of his face - obscuring his side profile, his shoulders were strung up too tight, his fingers gripped his quill a fraction too tight - the telltale whiteness in his knuckles gave it away. Remus felt that pang of distorted emotion again, under his diaphragm, making it difficult to breathe for a moment. 

“Are you almost done?” Severus asked, voice low. He set his quill down and straightened his back, turning to look Remus in the eye. “I remember your eagerness to delve into those piano books.”

Remus looked down at his essay, he only had the conclusion to go. A small, white lie couldn’t hurt, right? 

“Yeah, I’m done.”

Severus peered over to Remus’ parchment and scowled. “You’re halfway through a sentence. Be honest.”

“Fine,” Remus groaned. “I’ve still got to finish the conclusion.”

“Well, make it quick.” Severus stood up, leaving his parchment on the table so the ink could thoroughly dry. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to peek into those books and get a headstart.” 

The books lay discarded on the ground, just next to Remus’ book bag. Severus leaned over to snatch one up off the ground and flicked to what Remus guessed was the contents page. 

Before returning his attention back to his unfinished essay, Remus watched Severus for a moment longer - just to see if he remembered what to do. He trailed a hand over the closed fallboard, appreciating the texture of the polished wood. He opened it and rested the book on the stand. Severus sat on the stool and seemed to take precaution in his posture, the positioning of his wrists.

The next notes came out rather clunky, but that was to be expected after two months of not practicing. He tapped out a familiar melody - the right half of Beethoven’s Für Elise; Severus must have deemed it an appropriate warm-up. He looped back and played the same stretch of music with his left hand as well, playing chords underneath the melody.

The music came to an abrupt stop. “Get back to your work, or you’ll never finish,” Severus said.

“I’m just surprised you remembered all that, and your co-ordination is impressive,” Remus reasoned.

“Did you not just hear me? Finish your work, then you can switch into pianist mode,” Severus reinforced. 

Five minutes later found Remus fanning his hand rapidly over the parchment in an attempt to dry some of the ink. He gave up and raced to the piano. He pushed Severus along the seat and sat on his right.

“Do you feel like structured learning or do you want to improvise?” Remus asked.

“I don’t think I’m advanced enough to improvise…” Severus trailed off.

“That was a poor choice of words, I mean do you want to mess around and see what you remember or do you want to learn something new?” Remus asked.

Severus paused. “I think it’s too late in the evening for me to learn something new, run me through some of the things we did last year instead.”

Severus, curse his great memory, remembered almost everything. So Remus, who wasn’t quite ready to retire for the night, begged Severus to let him teach him a new song. 

Time elapsed and an array of music echoed through the room until nearly midnight. Only when Severus cast a Tempus charm did Remus realise how fucked he was.

“I don’t know if I can sneak back into the Gryffindor Tower,” Remus worried aloud. 

“Stay still,” Severus ordered. He waved his wand and muttered an incantation too low for Remus to pick up. He didn’t feel any different.

“What did you do?” Remus asked. 

“Disillusioned you. It will disguise your appearance and sound, anyone you come across won’t even notice that you’re there. When you get back to your common room, just cast _finite incantatem_ as usual,” Severus explained. 

They parted ways soon after, and maybe it was the sensation of the disillusionment charm, but Remus felt strangely lighter. He hadn't thought about the upcoming full moon all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're roughly 1/4 of the way through now, things will start to get...messy soon. I think this will be my last update before Christmas, so Happy Holidays everyone!


	10. I Crumble Completely When You Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius picks a fight with Severus and leaves Remus to pick up the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot continues...

Remus knew it was too good to be true.

The first week of classes went by smoothly. Remus settled into the workload of their final year comfortably and there were no major conflicts between his friends. 

Until one innocuous day after lunch. 

Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter all had Transfiguration at two o’clock, but lunch had just finished, so they wandered the halls to pass the time. Somewhere along a corridor on the second floor - near the courtyard area - Remus nearly walked into the back of James, who had abruptly stopped in his tracks.

“What are you-” Remus started too late. He followed James’ hardened glare towards two boys dressed in green-lined robes. One was Severus - who leaned against the wall with his back towards them, but Remus recognised his resounding laugh. The other was another Slytherin in their year level, Remus wanted to say his name was Nott? He had no way to be sure. 

With a quick glance back at the rest of his friend’s expressions, he discovered that they all bore similar looks of disgust.

“Doesn’t it make you sick to see them happy?” Sirius grumbled. “What have they got to laugh at, the oppression of different blood statuses?”

“Sirius, that’s a bit of a reach-” Remus tried.

“I’m not in the mood, Moony. You can be the voice of reason after this,” Sirius said.

Remus wasn’t quite sure what it was about the mere sight of the two Slytherins that set his friends off, but when he looked back to them he began to feel…odd. It was the best way to describe it; that bubbling, ugly emotion that reared its head when he heard Severus’ rich laughter. That other boy caused it. And Severus said he hated his housemates.

That’s what this was, a matter of integrity, of transparency in friendships. Not James, Sirius, and Peter’s cure for boredom - a fight - and justifying it by making it about avengement. Why the sudden change? They never needed an excuse to do this in the past. 

“But Lily said-” Remus tried again.

“Screw what Lily said,” Sirius cut him off once more. “Prongs, think of how good it will feel to give them a taste of their own medicine. Send the rest of Slytherin a message.”

Remus knew Severus was too proud to admit to any injuries in front of the rest of his housemates. He didn’t know what else to say to his friends to deter them from starting a fight. Although, a small part of Remus’ mind admitted, it would be good to see the Slytherin pair separated. He shut that line of thinking down. 

“Remus is right,” James said. _Thank Merlin_. “I promised to leave Sniv alone this year, I want to be a man of my word.”

Remus celebrated internally, his reminder worked.

“But-” _No_. “-She never said anything about you”

“Way ahead of you.” Sirius pulled out his wand. “Snivellous!” Remus winced when Severus turned around and met his gaze first, before focusing on Sirius’ anger-stricken face instead. He matched his expression, a look of annoyance - but there was an underlying tension coursing through his body. It travelled up his shoulders, down his arms, through his neck and jaw, and Remus felt tapped into it.

“What do you want?” Severus asked. “I don’t have time for this today.”

Sirius shot one last look at James, as though he was waiting for his approval, for him to give the final order. James nodded once. Within the blink of an eye, Sirius sent a red-coloured spell towards the two of them. It enveloped them, and Severus dropped his own wand in pain. Nott screamed, but Severus bit his lip, likely not wanting to give Sirius the satisfaction.

“Knock it off, that’s _enough_ ,” Remus ordered. He pulled Sirius back by his shoulder, breaking his concentration. “You need to find a new outlet, mate.”

Severus and Nott’s robes appeared to be smouldering in places, tendrils of smoke curled up and dissipated into the air. 

“Fuck, what did you just cast?” James hissed out, head whipping around to see if there was anyone else turning down the hallway.

Using his two spare hands, Sirius grabbed onto the sleeves of the nearest two people - Peter and James. He started to drag them away from the scene with Remus following shortly behind.

“A burning curse of my mother’s own design. As you all know, she’s a delightful woman, truly gifted in the art of spell-crafting,” Sirius explained hastily. 

Before they could get any further away, Severus shouted after them, “Cowards!” No one looked back, they were too busy fighting back hysterics.

Except Remus.

He tried to send Severus a knowing look. A look of apology. He hoped his message got through. Severus cast a pained look at Nott, who was still distracted, and turned back to Remus to give him a single nod of his head.

It was okay, for now. Okay, relatively.

None of this was okay. 

It was madness to watch this play out, Remus didn’t think he could cope with it for the rest of the year. He needed to develop his deferral tactics sooner than imagined. 

“-So that curse will annoy them both for the next few days, magic won’t heal it. If it scabs over, even better! A few scars ought to teach them a lesson, their housemates should think twice before going after some poor fourth-year muggleborn student again,” Sirius said.

Remus bit his tongue.

* * *

That night, Remus felt like crying. He didn’t, he needed to make things right.

Sirius’ only justification for the attack was that a fourth-year Gryffindor muggleborn girl was set upon by Mulciber - a seventh year Slytherin. Remus asked Sirius why he went after “Snape” and Nott instead of directly confronting Mulciber, but all he got as an answer was a noncommittal shrug, a dismissive wave of his hand, and a grunt. Watching Severus twist in his seat all day, trying not to put any extra pressure or rub his robes on his burns, wasn't worth a shrug, wave, and grunt.

He remembered what Sirius said earlier in the day; that the burns couldn’t be treated with magic. That night, when the four retired to the common room, Remus snuck upstairs into their shared dormitory. Hopefully, a giggly Marlene and a blushing Lily could keep Sirius and James distracted for the next several minutes. 

Remus pulled his trunk out from underneath his bed and began sifting through the contents. At the bottom of his trunk was a first-aid box - hand-packed so it would have more ointments and fewer bandages. Remus opened the box and looked through it, tossing boxes and packages out of the way until he found-

_Got it_. Burn cream, and an effective one at that.

He stuffed the round container deep into the pocket of his robe. Before he left, he pulled out the Marauders Map and scoured through it while he sat on his bed. He needed to know where Severus was - he hoped he hadn’t travelled too far and further aggravated the burns.

There he was - floating around in the dungeons, near some of the new, abandoned classrooms Remus had etched onto the map last year. Hastily, Remus threw the map down onto his bed and nearly ran from the dorm. 

He descended the stairs and slowed his pace as he made his way through the common room. Sirius and James hadn’t moved, hadn’t even looked up. Remus couldn’t see Peter at first, but he was likely floating around in the same area as James - that was his favourite place to be. With one more quick glance around, Remus left the common room. 

Remus made his way through the castle as quickly as possible. Maybe he should have brought the map with him in case he lost Severus, but in his haste, he left it behind. Damn it. He would survive without it. 

When the night crept in, the dungeons were colder than usual. Remus pulled his robes in closer to his body, trying to insulate as much heat as possible. He turned through different corridors until he found the one that Severus was in on the map. Except he wasn’t there anymore.

It had only been a few minutes, he couldn’t have gone far. Remus took a deep breath and paused, thinking this through. He took a hesitant step forward and peered into the classroom through the window on the door next to him. Nothing.

He continued this process along the entire corridor until he reached the end. Nothing.

He looked left down the perpendicular corridor. Nothing.

He looked right down the perpendicular corridor. Something. 

Severus. Slouched in on himself and leaning against the wall. He heard Remus’ footsteps and looked over. Remus walked over to his friend.

“Severus, I am so sorry,” Remus said. Severus closed his eyes and turned away. When he turned back, there was an element of indifference to him. 

“We knew this was going to happen eventually, didn’t we?” He said slowly, picking his every word with caution. 

Remus pursed his lips, he didn’t want to have this discussion in the middle of a corridor when Severus was still trying to mask his pain. Just next to Severus was yet another door, leading to an empty, dust-laden classroom. Remus held the door open for Severus, who made a beeline for the desk at the front of the room. 

The door creaked to a close behind Remus, isolating them from the rest of the castle. 

“How are you?” Remus asked lamely.

“How do you think?” Severus returned acerbically. 

Remus huffed, he deserved that. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the container. 

“What is that?” Severus asked, eyeing the container with suspicion. Remus pulled a chair over to the desk and flipped it around so he could lean against the back of it, similar to how Severus was leaning against the front of the desk. 

“Before I tell you, I want to ask a favour from you,” Remus started. This would be a long shot.

“Are you sure you’re in the position to be doing that now?” Severus scoffed. “You just _let_ them-”

“I know-”

“And you said _nothing_ -”

“You have the right to be mad-”

“The _right_? I have the fucking right to be mad?!” Severus was starting to yell as his face grew red in anger. Remus recoiled and waited for what Severus said next.

“You said you would change this. You said you would try to deter your _friends_ from their cruel fucking tricks,” Severus spat the word ‘friends’ like it burned his tongue on the way out. 

A minute passed. Two. Remus said nothing. 

When the red hue started to fade from his cheeks, Severus rested his forehead in the palm of his hand and sighed. “What was the favour?”

“I want to you go to the Hospital Wing to get healed properly,” Remus said. 

Severus let out a small, bitter laugh. “Seriously?” Remus blinked. “No.”

“Why not?” Remus pressed, he had a feeling Severus would say no - he had a feeling it was due to that damned pride.

“Why not? Because when I get there I’ll have two options. One, tell Madame Pomfrey about the true origins of the burns and have her lecture me about 'provoking' _your_ friends,” Severus paused to let out another near-hysterical laugh. He grabbed at his own hair, threading the fingers through it and pulling back as though he needed the support to keep his head upright. “I didn’t fucking do anything this time. _Anything_. I’ve been staying out of their way- this was-”

“What about the second option?” Remus cut him off. He didn’t want him to spiral back into that anger.

Severus looked back at Remus; his gaze had drifted from him over to the door. “Two, I lie about what happened. She’ll see right through me, as Pomfrey so often does, then I’ll tell her the truth. Refer to option one…”

“So I take it that the Hospital Wing is out of the question?” Remus confirmed. Severus nodded. 

His gaze wandered back down to the round container still in Remus’ hand. “So what is that for?”

“This,” Remus raised the container, “is a burn cream.”

Severus blinked. Remus continued, “Whatever spell Sirius used on you was dark magic, he said it couldn’t be healed with spells. Thus,” he tapped the ointment, “I brought a backup plan for when you would say ‘no’ to my hospital proposal.”

“You knew I would say no?” Severus asked. 

Remus nodded. He unscrewed the container, revealing a peach-coloured substance. It had a stereotypical medical smell to it, something that reminded him of the burns he would get on his hands as a child if he ever helped his mother with the cooking.

“And what makes you qualified to treat a burn?” Severus sneered, leaning further back into the desk until he was fully sitting on it.

“Merlin, are you hell-bent on making this as difficult as possible?” Remus snapped. Fuck. 

Severus raised an eyebrow. “Finally letting go of that pent-up emotion? You know you carry your anger in your shoulders?”

_That_ stunned Remus. “What?”

“You draw your shoulders up when you get mad. I’ve seen you do it when you’re at your wit’s end with homework,” Severus explained.

“Making a habit of watching me when I work, are you?” Remus shot back.

Severus’ face started to go that angry red colour again, and Remus recoiled once more, he didn’t want to start a full screaming match. 

“Answer my question,” Severus opted to say instead. 

Remus furrowed his brow as he remembered the question. “Are you forgetting that I transform into a bloody werewolf once a month? You tend to pick up some basic first aid along the way." Remus cleared his throat. "Not to mention, I grew up with a muggle mother.”

Severus shrugged dismissively and turned his head away. 

“How bad is it?” Remus asked, gesturing to his torso.

“I haven’t dared to look, but it’s- it’s tolerable.”

“Take off your robes.”

Severus blinked. “What?”

Remus clarified himself, “I’m getting sick of you insisting that it isn’t bad- I need to be able to reach the area to be able to apply the cream.”

Severus gripped the edge of the desk, fingers wrapping around the glossy wood. “Can’t you just give me the ointment so I can apply it myself?”

“No, I don’t trust you to cover every spot,” Remus answered. 

Severus pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes at Remus before he shrugged his outer robes off his shoulders. Remus stood awkwardly, watching as Severus’ shaking fingers struggled to undo his tie - the pain must be getting to him more than he thought. 

“Let me,” Remus offered. He stepped forward, nudging himself between Severus' legs, and placed the container down on the desk next to the Slytherin. Remus’ fingers found their way to Severus’ tie. Severus moved to try to untie it again himself, but Remus batted his hands away - this would be quicker without his meddling.

He worked the fabric free and pulled it away from Severus’ neck, laying it down on the desk. At Severus’ rate, they would be here until breakfast; Remus reached down and grabbed the hem of Severus’ grey sweater and shirt, pulling them both over his head at once. 

“You could at least _warn_ me,” Severus muttered, but Remus didn’t respond. The burns sprawled across his chest, some red and raw, others already bubbling. They were distributed like a sash, spanning from his left shoulder to his right hip. 

They would heal, but it would be a painful few weeks. As Remus looked closer, he realised they would heal a darker shade. 

“It looks like a bad sunburn. Have you been feeling nauseous since you got hit with the spell? Headaches? Anything like that?” Remus asked.

Severus thought for a moment. “I had a headache until dinner, and I felt dizzy, but other than that I’ve only been focused on the burn.”

“Symptoms of sunstroke,” Remus said, “Evidently, the spell wasn’t strong enough to give you _actual_ sunstroke, you should be glad for that, I guess.”

“Lucky me,” Severus said sarcastically. “A victim of a sunburn in Autumn.”

“Not to mention the terrible tan lines you’ll have after this,” Remus mused.

“I don’t tan, per se, I just burn. It’ll fade back to white after it’s healed. Even so, no one would ever see it.”

Remus dipped his fingers into the ointment, pulling out a sizeable amount. “I’m seeing it right now.”

“That’s different,” Severus muttered. Remus looked properly at Severus’ torso, not just at the burns. He was pale and thin, but not in an unsightly way. He wouldn’t suit the bronzed skin and well-muscled body people often associated with being attractive, it took away from that inherent regal air Severus carried with him. Remus' breath caught.

Shaking away his apparent breathlessness, Remus gingerly touched the area with the least severe-looking burn. Severus hissed and bit his lip to stifle the sound. He swiped the ointment off his finger onto the affected skin and began to gently rub it in. 

With every firm touch, Severus tried to recoil and pull away. After a few minutes of this process, Remus’ patience was wearing thin. He had covered the less intense areas, and he didn’t want to deal with a squirming Severus while he worked on the blistering parts.

“Stay still,” he commanded. He rested his spare hand on Severus’ left hip, pinning him so he couldn’t flinch back and so Remus had something to brace himself on. 

He re-lathered his fingers and applied the ointment to the rest of the burns easier than he thought. Anchoring Severus to the desk was a good idea. 

“Finished.” Remus screwed the lid back onto the jar. He cast a gentle wind spell and blew it over the treated areas, hoping that the cream would dry quicker so Severus didn’t have to stay shirtless in the coldness of the dungeons.

“What about Nott?” Severus asked as he pulled his shirt and sweater back over his head.

“What about him?” Remus asked.

“He got blasted too,” Severus reminded him, pulling his robes back up his shoulders. 

“Did he? I almost forgot,” Remus said indifferently. Severus looked as though he were fighting back a smirk. 

“Fine, it’s your choice. Either you can give the rest to Nott so he can heal quicker too, or you can keep the rest to yourself,” Remus offered.

Severus stood up and moved towards the door, following Remus. “Maybe I should keep the rest, Nott wouldn’t lower himself to Muggle medicine anyways.”

“Finally, that Pureblood arrogance has worked in your favour,” Remus grinned. He held the door open for Severus and then followed him through the doorway. 

Before they parted ways, Severus turned back to face Remus again. “Thank you, for this.” He tapped the container. “And thank you for helping me treat them properly.”

“It’s the least I can do,” Remus replied, eyes trained on Severus’ face. “I tried to talk them out of it-”

“Don’t. Don’t speak of it,” Severus sighed and closed his eyes. “They’re important to you, and you don’t want to jeopardise that for me.”

“What? No, it’s not like that-”

“Whatever it _is_ like, then. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Your friends are pricks, I’ve always known that. This-” Severus gestured to the space between them, “-doesn’t change anything. Goodnight.”

He disappeared before Remus could say otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays everyone! Drop a comment if you enjoyed this chapter!


	11. Sweetest Taboo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations and revelations.

The walk back to Gryffindor Tower was slow.

And cold. 

The night had truly fallen and the curfew was drawing closer. Remus couldn’t wait to be back in his dormitory, he was already fantasising about it. Instead of joining his friends at the fireplace, he would slink into bed and burrow his way under the covers. He had no desire to watch James attempt to woo Lily or Sirius slide his hand up Marlene's thigh.

In all honesty, he didn’t want to talk to James or Sirius at all. But he was no better than them. Severus was right, he did nothing to stop it besides offering a few weak discouragements.

One more year. One more year to go and this would be all over.

How naive. War is breaking out.

Remus gave the password to the Fat Lady and climbed through the portrait hole. Everything was the same - of course, why wouldn’t it be? Sirius, Marlene, James, and Lily were still huddled by the fire; Dorcas was still reading under a lamplight; three first years were still playing Exploding Snap.

No one spared a glance at Remus as he passed them on his way to the staircase. Good. 

After the long hike to the top of the boy’s dormitory tower, Remus opened the door, ready to fall into bed.

Except he couldn’t do that, there was someone in his bed.

“Peter,” Remus greeted. 

“Remus,” he offered, but the usual cadence of his voice was off. The smile Remus offered him fell when he saw what was clutched in his short, twitchy hands.

The Marauder’s Map, in all it’s inked glory, mapping out a variety of footsteps in live synchrony. Remus looked back up at Peter, who bore an unreadable expression - he’d never seen the boy look so serious about anything in his life.

“I just saw the strangest thing,” Peter said slowly. Remus stepped fully into the dorm and shut the door behind him. He prayed no one else would enter now. 

“Yes?” Remus urged.

“Yes. I was curious as to where you were going, you looked like a man who didn’t want to be followed,” Peter said. He folded the map down to a particular section. The dungeons. “I can’t help but wonder if this is where you’re always off to, Moony.”

Remus swallowed and stood by the foot of his own bed. “What did you see?”

Peter looked back up at Remus. “I saw you and Severus Snape, of course. Alone. At night. In an out-of-use classroom. Practically on top of one another, if this map is anything to go off.” There was a cheeky gleam in Peter’s eyes, like the look a child might get if they peered into their stocking before Christmas day.

Wow. “That sounds bad,” Remus said, grimacing.

“Imagine how I felt when I _saw_ it,” Peter said.

“You don’t look too upset at all, you look quite pleased with yourself.”

“Are you going to explain or should I ask Sirius and James for their opinions?” Peter asked innocently, but his grin betrayed his true intentions. Bastard.

“No!” Remus quickly pleaded. “Let me explain first, okay? It’s not what it looks like.”

Peter looked back down at the map, pondering the proposition. “Go on,” he said.

“I was healing the burns Sirius gave him earlier today, I felt bad about it,” Remus answered.

Peter visibly relaxed. “So you two aren’t hooking up? That’s a relief- I really don’t think I could keep _that_ a secret from James and Sirius.”

“We most definitely aren’t ‘hooking up’, as you put it,” Remus confirmed, frowning.

“Then why were you helping him? Why did you feel bad?” Peter asked.

Here it comes. “Severus and I are friends.”

He said it. It was out there. Someone knew. Peter knew. Peter would hate him. Peter would tell Sirius and James. Sirius and James would hate him. They’d call him a traitor. They’d cast him away. They’d think he’d turned dark for good.

“Makes sense,” Peter shrugged. He finally got up from Remus’ bed and collapsed on his back on his own bed. 

“I’m sorry, come again?” Remus asked.

“It checks out, why else would you want to help that git?” Peter asked.

Remus laughed nervously. “I can’t- what- I can’t tell what you make of all this.”

Peter sat back up again, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “Look, Moony. I don’t care that you’re friends with him. As long as you don’t try to make him and _I_ friends, it’s fine. It’s Sirius and James you have to worry about.”

“I know.”

Peter gave Remus another serious look. “I won’t tell them.”

“Thank you.”

“Can they ever know?” Peter asked.

“No. I don’t know. Maybe someday if they forget about their entire checkered history, I don’t want to be forced to pick between you guys,” Remus confessed.

Peter’s mouth hung slightly open, wheezing breaths rattled in and out past his thin lips. “You care about him that much?”

Remus paused. He’d never thought about it before - how refusing to pick between Severus and the Marauders means that he values him just as much as Sirius, James, and Peter. “I guess.”

“Wow, I would definitely keep _that_ part away from Sirius and James,” Peter said, shocked.

“And you’ll help me do it?” Remus asked. “You won’t tell them?”

“Of course not, mate. I’m on your side.” Peter gave Remus an…off smile. He was sure it was nothing, paranoia had flooded him since he entered the dorm. Peter just had ticks like that.

Peter flopped back down on the bed and sighed as he sank into the mattress. “So, how did you two meet?”

Remus quirked an eyebrow. “In the Great Hall, before the Sorting Ceremony about seven years ago?”

“Yeah, I know, I was just testing you,” Peter laughed. _Idiot_. Remus threw the map at him, and Peter raised his hands to protect his head. “Okay! Fine, I do want to know how this friendship happened though, tell me.”

Remus sat down and faced Peter. “We have Astronomy together. Last year we were partnered together for an assignment, and - as it turns out - we work quite well together. It became a ritual for us,-” Remus tilted his head back and stared at his overhead canopy, “-studying together. Over time, we just became…friends.”

Peter hummed, resting his hands behind his head. “Today must have been hard, then. I’m not saying it wasn’t funny, but, you know,” he finished lamely.

“It was.”

The door opened. Peter threw the map back to Remus, who then closed it with the words “Mischief Managed” and stowed it under his pillow for the foreseeable future.

“-and you wouldn’t leave us alone! You can’t take a hint to save your life, Pads,” James complained as he held open the door for Sirius.

“Please, like anything would have happened right there in the middle of the common room,” Sirius scoffed. It was in that good-natured tone of his that told everyone that he was joking around. Everyone except James, who huffed and sprouted red patches on his cheeks.

“Merlin, what is wrong with all of you tonight?” James said, rather serious. “Remus, you disappeared for half the night and expected us not to notice, like you usually do. Peter, you avoided everyone and holed yourself away in here. And Sirius, you kept trying to sabotage my chances with Lily.” He pointed an accusing finger at each of them in turn. When he was met with silence and blank stares - Remus was trying to not have an outburst of his own - he groaned and made his way into the adjacent bathroom.

“Touchy. He’ll snap out of it,” Sirius said as he sat down on his own bed. 

“Is it true?” Remus asked. “Were you really getting between James and Lily?”

Sirius laughed, “Of course not, I wasn’t sabotaging them.”

There was an unspoken ‘but’. Remus prompted him to continue, “But?”

“But I was telling him to be cautious.”

“That doesn’t sound like you,” Peter piped up, voice straining as he pulled himself back into an upright position.

“Yeah, I know, but she’s all he’s wanted for the past seven years. If he’s not careful, he’ll end up scaring her away now that they’re getting closer,” Sirius explained.

“Are they really getting that close? Sounds serious,” Remus mused.

Sirius shot him a look. “Honestly, mate, you need to stop wandering off to wherever you go and open your eyes. Lily’s been all over him this past week.”

Remus chuckled, “Alright.”

There was a pregnant pause, Remus shifted uncomfortably. He got the sensation that he should have said more than just that. “What?”

“Aren’t you going to tell us where you went tonight?” Sirius asked, showing a rare moment of concern. “Most of the time you actually tell us where you’re going, but tonight you didn’t.”

Remus sighed but otherwise kept silent. Sirius looked as though he were struggling to say something.

“We’re just- we’re worried for you, mate,” Sirius said.

“Really?”

“Of course, you’ll tell us if you get involved in anything shady, right?” Sirius asked in a hushed voice, as if speaking any louder might provoke him.

Remus didn’t know what to say. “What do you think I’m doing?” 

Sirius made a defeated noise, “I don’t know, banging a Professor? Selling weed? Trading body parts with forest creatures?”

Across the room, Peter laughed, breaking the lull in Remus’ anxiety. Sirius’ words had made him feel so safe, he was almost comfortable enough to divulge the truth about the “shady” activities he’d been getting up to.

It was a terrifying thought, how closely under the surface the truth bubbled, Remus was one slip up away from tearing a rift between him and the Marauders. While Peter didn’t care about Severus, it was clear that he wouldn’t do anything to stop Sirius and James from…whatever they might do when they find out. 

Speculation never helped him in the past. Remus needed to learn how to let go of these anxieties. Easier said than done though, right?

James emerged from the bathroom, towelling at his wet hair. He breezed past the trio and got in his own bed. He pulled the curtain shut around the bed, no internal light shone from within. Clearly, whatever Sirius had done had really gotten to James. What they all had done. Or not done.

“Well, whatever it is, Moony, we’re here for you,” Sirius said, refocusing on Remus instead of James’ closed-off bed. 

“Thanks,” he offered lamely. “And it’s nothing like that, I promise.”

Sirius nodded and smiled at him before he copied James’ movements - getting into bed and pulling the curtain closed around him. The dormitory light was left on, Remus got up to flick it off. Once the room was shrouded in darkness, Peter spoke up. 

“Remus?” He whispered.

“Yes?”

“Goodnight.”

It was an end to Remus’ earlier confessions, an apology, acceptance, all wrapped up into one simple word. Everything else was left unsaid, there was no way to speak it into existence in a full room. Peter was smart enough to know that, and Remus internally thanked him. He was glad he had a friend like Peter who he could trust.

* * *

As it would turn out, it was not a good night.

Remus tossed and turned for the next two hours. Every time he felt as though he were finally drifting off, a pale, undressed figure would circulate back into his mind. A thin frame, milky skin, the straight line of a fragile collarbone, graceful hands gripping at the edge of the desk. 

What was the matter with him?

Remus blinked blearily, opening his eyes to pure darkness; not even the stars took pity on them that night. The darkness did him no favours, it was easier to fill the void in his vision this way - which is exactly what Remus _didn’t_ want. 

It must have been all the emotional turmoil he’d been through today, that’s why he couldn’t get the picture of his small waist out of his mind. His pink nipples, firm in the coldness of the room. The way Remus’ hand fit perfectly on his hip. The jagged scar running along his side.

Remus flipped his pillow over and rested his head on the cool fabric. Maybe he should invest in some dreamless sleep potions or something else that would distract his mind. Maybe he should ask Severus for help on picking the right concoction. No, he’d ask why he needed them.

What would he tell him?

At this point, Remus wasn’t even sure what he should tell himself.


	12. Poison Ivy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artistic License - Plants. Severus and Remus discover chess. Sirius keeps fighting with James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a smaller, filler chapter. The plot starts to move again in the next chapter, hang in there!

The most famous carnivorous plant is the Venus Flytrap. An unassuming plant, it spends most of its time in wait. Ever so often, a fly will land on its inner surface. This surface is lined with minuscule hairs. When these hairs are triggered by the fly, the plant will snap shut and trap its prey.

The fly, of course, never sees this fate coming until it’s too late. 

Remus was beginning to feel like that fly. Trapped.

“Moony, I know your secret,” Sirius said one October evening. If it weren’t for the warmth of the fire in front of them, Remus’ blood would have run cold.

The common room was nearly empty, save for three sixth years huddled around a table on the other side of the room. Peter had retired early that night, and James had run off with Lily and the invisibility cloak earlier in the night - they were yet to make their return. 

“What secret?” It sounded weak, even to his own ears. 

Sirius leaned forward in his chair, the amber light from the fire highlighted his face dramatically. “Your crush. Who you’ve been dedicating all your free time to.”

“Oh, come on Padfoot, you’re not seriously still harping on about this, are you?” Remus groaned and rolled his eyes to hide his panic. Had Peter spilled? Did Sirius know about Severus?

No. That couldn’t be the case for two reasons. One, Sirius would have stormed Remus the minute he found out, he wouldn’t have waited for nightfall to ambush him about that. Two, Sirius said ‘crush’, and Severus was hardly _that_. 

“No, seriously, I think I’ve got it. It’s Mary Macdonald,” Sirius grinned as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“ _What_?” Remus sighed, closing his eyes in exasperation.

“It makes sense, right?” Sirius fixed Remus with a teasing look. “If you want, I can put in a good word for you.”

“Great, sure mate,” Remus dismissed him with a wave of his hand. 

He was eager to move on from this topic of conversation.

* * *

Remus missed the first Gryffindor Quidditch match of the year. He wasn’t sure if it would be something he’d come to regret.

Sirius and James woke up at the crack of dawn, as usual. They ripped open the curtains on Remus’ and Peter’s beds and pulled down their bedding. The hairs on Remus’ arms prickled in the coldness of the morning.

“Can’t we just meet you there when the match starts? We don’t have to be up just to watch you stretch out your toe muscles,” Remus complained into his pillow.

“If I pull a muscle in my foot, you’ll be the one to massage it out,” James offered.

“Fine, I’m getting up.” Remus stretched, flexing the muscles in his legs and hearing bones pop along the top of his back.

“You’ve got Lily for that now, Prongs,” Sirius said.

James and Lily had finally started dating. Remus had hoped in vain that James’ fixation on Lily would lessen once they started seeing each other, but it was quite the opposite. It was only _just_ bearable before, but now…

“I’d never put her through that. If anything, she’s the one who deserves special treatment from me. She deserves the world,” James mused.

“Already have your dress for the wedding picked out, do you, James?” Peter teased as he fished out some clothes from his trunk. They laughed as James threw a shoe at his head.

“I never would have pinned you as a hopeless romantic,” Sirius said, eyeing James’ flushed cheeks. “I’ll be honest, it doesn’t suit you. You’re one date away from growing a soul patch.”

James’ face fell, and the rosy tint in his cheeks turned to an angry red. “Never insult me like that again.”

Breakfast was uneventful, besides Sirius constantly bringing up the idea of James with awful facial hair and some beatnik poetry. It was as though he were trying to deter James from becoming too attached to the _idea_ of his relationship with Lily. It made sense to Remus, but it was lost on James and Peter.

“Cut it out,” James snapped, “finish eating so we can get down to the pitch.”

That’s when Remus decided that there was no way he was going to put up with their fighting after the match, he just wouldn’t go so he could avoid it altogether. He’d seen this pattern before; Sirius and James would get into a strange fight over nothing on the day of a match, they would lose, continue bickering for the rest of the day, then James would pull Remus aside for an ‘Is Sirius Acting Weird Lately?’ talk.

Half an hour later, Sirius and James left the table to make their way to the Quidditch Pitch. Peter turned a keen eye to Remus. 

“You are going today, right?” He asked.

Remus exhaled and looked at the empty plate in front of him. “I should, but I won’t.”

Peter fiddled with a loose thread on the end of his sleeve. He looked nervous - as always - and as though he wanted to ask Remus something. Remus guessed the question and answered.

“No, you don’t have to cover for me, just say that you lost me in the crowd on the way there,” Remus said. Peter instantly relaxed. Remus looked across the hall, scanning the length of the Slytherin table. 

Severus caught his eye at the end of the table. Through some unknown method, they simultaneously and silently agreed to meet each other at the Room of Requirement. 

“You two confuse me,” Peter spoke up. Remus chuckled and looked back to his Gryffindor friend. Just beyond Peter’s shoulder, a red-headed figure approached. She made eye-contact with Remus first and offered him a tight-lipped smile.

“Remus,” Lily greeted, “I just saw James here a few minutes ago, do you know where he went?”

“Hi Lily,” Peter said before Remus could answer. While Lily was dealing with Peter’s innocuous attempts at flirting, as tame as it was, Remus found himself sparing another glance at the Slytherin table. He wasn’t entirely sure why he did, but when he looked, Severus sported an expression of discomfort. His eyes flicked back and forth between Remus and Lily before he looked away entirely. 

“Remus?” Lily prompted. Remus snapped back to focus on Lily, who raised an eyebrow at his absent behaviour.

“Sorry, he and Sirius already left for the Quidditch match,” Remus explained hastily.

The way Remus answered seemed to pester Lily, so she asked, “Are you okay, Remus?”

Was he?

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“I’ll see you at the match, okay?” Lily rested a hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly.

“Sure, I’ll see you there.” Lie after lie. 

Remus finished his cup of tea as Peter decided to leave with Lily, Mary, and Marlene. He gave them all a friendly wave as they passed, and Mary gave him a small smirk.

As though falling through air, Remus’ stomach jumped. Had Sirius said something?

The last thing he needed was to let down poor Mary over a misunderstanding. Maybe he was reading too much into things, maybe Sirius had left his meddling hands out of things for once. Maybe if he repeated it to himself often enough, Remus could believe this false narrative.

He looked over in Severus’ direction again but found that he was gone.

* * *

“You made a hasty departure from breakfast this morning,” Remus said as he made his way to his preferred armchair.

“Why would I stay there? Nott and Rosier wouldn’t shut up about the bloody Quidditch,” Severus huffed. His head lolled back against the seat with a sigh and he stared at the ceiling. The action exposed his long, pale throat and Remus looked away. “There are better sports than Quidditch, but that’s all anyone talks about here.”

Remus smirked, he couldn’t imagine Severus being an overly sporty person. “Like what?”

“Like chess.” _Of course_.

“That’s not a sport.”

Severus sat up at Remus’ declaration and glared at him. “Yes, it is. I’m not talking about the magical crap, I mean _real_ chess.”

Remus scoffed, “You’re a chess snob? Seriously?”

“Watch your tongue, you formed opinions on classical musicians at the age of five,” Severus snapped.

“I think it’s _reasonable_ to say that some of Rachmaninoff’s pieces would be better if they were slower-”

“What kind of person is able to confidently critique acclaimed musicians and not feel like a twat?” Severus cut him off. 

“It’s not _critiquing_ , it’s making observations-”

“You are so pretentious.”

“You call chess a sport!”

They lapsed into silence, Remus’ fingers curled tightly around the edge of his seat. Severus’ cheeks were flushed, and Remus couldn’t help but stare at the faint redness disappearing to below his collar. 

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Remus asked, shooting up out of his chair.

Severus furrowed his brow. “What?”

“The castle is mostly empty and I feel like we’re always cooped up in here,” Remus shrugged. 

Severus huffed, “Fine.”

Twenty minutes later found them sitting in the courtyard in the sun. The gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the nearby willow. Severus tried to sit in the shade as much as possible, blaming his adamancy to stay out of the sun on his tendency to overheat, but Remus basked in the calm rays, lying back on the grass.

“How did that burn on your chest heal up?” Remus asked.

“It’s almost gone.”

“And Nott’s burns?” Remus asked.

Severus paused for a moment before saying slowly, “He may still be itching at them.”

He tried to fight back a smile, but it made its way to his face regardless. Remus couldn’t help it, but that strange clenching in his stomach was quenched at those words, and any lingering thoughts of Nott dissipated.

After another hour of sunbathing and aimlessly wandering the grounds, the students started to traipse back towards the castle. There was an overwhelming amount of green celebrations - sparks from wands, enchanted clothing - and the Slytherin chant echoed up the path towards Hogwarts.

“Congratulations,” Remus mumbled as they started their journey back up to the Room of Requirement.

“Have you already forgotten that I don’t care for Quidditch?” Severus sneered. 

“No, I was just being polite. I hate that Slytherin won,” Remus said.

Severus stopped walking to get Remus’ attention. “Why didn’t you go today?”

Remus kept walking. Severus got the message and continued after him. “James and Sirius are in a weird spot at the moment, I don’t feel like getting in between it.”

“Serves them right.” Remus side-eyed Severus’ passive expression, though every word was said earnestly. 

The Room of Requirement materialised in front of them and they entered. Severus made a beeline for the shelf on the right side of the room. He pulled out a muggle chess set and brought it over to the small, low-lying table in front of the fireplace. He sat on the shag rug at one end of the table and gestured for Remus to do the same. 

Cautiously, Remus sat at the other end with his legs crossed. “We should invest in some chairs and a higher table.”

Severus waved off his suggestion, but Remus vowed to amend the arrangement when Severus wasn’t around. “I’ll teach you how to play first, then you’ll understand why I call it a sport.”

* * *

The common room was barren. Remus eyed some fourth years by the fireplace, but everyone else must have retired to their dorms already. Remus’ stomach flipped as he eyed the staircase, he was vehemently against participating in any fights that may have already broken out in the dorm.

He ascended the staircase and quietly opened the door. Maybe they wouldn’t notice him creeping into the room.

“-But _no_ , you couldn’t keep your eyes on the damn game, what were you watching that was _so_ fucking important?” James was nearly shouting at Sirius, who was a furious red colour. He stammered over his response, eyes trained on James’ face before he looked over to the open door with Remus standing in the doorway. 

“Where have _you_ been?” Sirius seethed. 

“Don’t try to get out of this.” James raised an accusing finger at Sirius. 

Remus ignored them both and looked at Peter. “Are they still fighting?” He sighed, despite the obvious.

Peter nodded, a little bashful, and Sirius scoffed. 

“Care to fill me in?” Remus asked.

“Gryffindor lost, James almost got hit with a bludger because Sirius wasn’t paying attention to the game, and you were missing,” Peter explained.

Another wave of shouting broke out but Remus raised his hands and yelled above it, effectively silencing the room again. “There’s too much testosterone in here. You aren’t going to win every match, that’s okay. Sirius, pay attention next time. That’s that.”

James sighed and sat on his bed, head in hands. His anger seemed to filter out of him as his shoulders dropped, and his face became neutral once more. “Sorry for shouting at you, Pads.”

Sirius bristled, “It’s fine.” 

Remus made his way to his own bed and sat down, kicking his shoes off. Sirius focused his attention back on Remus. “You still haven’t said where you were.”

“Oh,” Remus mumbled. “I-, erm.”

“Were you with Mary?” Sirius asked eagerly. His voice was softer now, but his eyes glistened. 

Remus chuckled, “No, she was at the game. I was finishing my Astronomy assignment, I have a class at midnight tonight.” Then Remus remembered Mary’s strange look from earlier in the day. “Did you say something to her?”

Sirius grinned, “Don’t worry about it.” That only made Remus worry more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter <3


	13. New Person, Same Old Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus becomes aware of his unusual feelings towards Severus. Severus shares a bit about his past with Lily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind, this chapter really denotes the start of the second act of the story. Also: note the tag changes...

It took a while for Sirius’ anger to die down, but he went back to his usual self. Almost. He seemed a little more reserved in everyone’s presence, but when it was just him and Remus, he acted normal. Remus didn’t know how to ask Sirius about it, or whether he consciously recognised he was acting differently at all. He had the smallest inkling about the source of his abnormal behaviour but- no. Remus would ask when the time was right.

He put that problem on the back burner of his mind, Remus was going through his own crisis. Remus was starting to notice the little things.

It started during his last piano session with Severus. They had stepped up to doing basic duets, and without his own volition, his hand kept grazing Severus’ on the keys.

It was a small albeit repeated movement, probably already forgotten by Severus, but it stuck with Remus. He didn’t know why, but the feeling of the smooth skin triggered something in his brain. He became hyperaware of the space between them; how his thigh was flush against Severus’ own, how their elbows bumped when the notes they were playing got closer together, how their arms brushed each other.

And it all went back to those fingers.

He tried to ignore it, and after a few days, it worked. He wrote it off as a one-off curiosity, or it could have been his brain reaching out for some kind of touch - like he was starving. Whatever it was, Remus didn’t want to dwell on it anymore.

Until Severus picked up a new habit. Remus wasn’t the type to get homicidal ideations, but he thought about killing whoever taught Severus to tie up his hair with his wand. 

It started in the library - Severus huffed at something he didn’t understand in their Transfiguration textbook. The sound piqued Remus’ interest; he was about to ask what was wrong when Severus whipped out his wand, furiously twisted his hair around it, and went back to flicking through the pages of his book. 

The words caught in Remus’ throat, he swallowed them back down and unabashedly stared. The motion exposed his slender neck, the curves and hollows of his bone structure, the bump on his throat. 

“Where did you learn how to do that?” Remus had asked.

Severus looked up, a little startled as though he just remembered that Remus was next to him. “Regulus showed me, he said he learned it from his brother when they were younger.”

Sirius? “I’ve never seen Sirius do that before.”

“You mustn’t pay a lot of attention to him, then.”

Remus didn’t like the implications of that answer.

* * *

Remus was yet to win a game of chess. It was painful to play and Severus always seemed to be ten steps ahead of him. On one day in the week before the Christmas break, they played three rounds of chess before Remus gave up.

“This is too hard,” he complained.

“I rest my case, it’s a sport,” Severus concluded matter-of-factly, arms crossed over his chest.

Remus rolled his eyes and promptly ignored Severus’ declaration. “We need some tea in here,” he decided. With a simple spell, he transfigured some dusty, old mugs on the shelf into a teapot and two matching cups. Severus packed away the chess set to make room for the porcelain on the table - also transfigured into an appropriate height. With another spell, the teapot filled with hot, English Breakfast tea. 

“There. Now that we have everything we need in here, we'll never have to leave again,” Remus mused. He took the liberty of pouring the two of them cups of tea - Severus didn’t show any disproval about the flavour. 

“You can’t even go a few hours without a cup of tea, I think you’re close to an addiction.” Severus took a small sip from his own cup.

“Everyone has their vices. I’m just glad that mine aren’t as harmful as others,” Remus shrugged. 

“Right. Tea and criticising classical musicians are some callous vices for the resident lycanthrope,” Severus drawled. 

Remus balked and bit his tongue. He wasn’t about to fall victim to Severus’ obvious ploy to get him to divulge his trauma. Merlin knows it would only send Severus into an awkward, quiet spell and Remus into a spiral of self-loathing. Fuck. This was not the time. _Stop thinking_. 

“What is a piece you criticise the least?” Severus asked. 

Remus blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Must I repeat myself?”

“Are you trying to ask me what my favourite song is?” Remus asked.

“Not exactly,” Severus replied, “I’m asking what your favourite _classical_ song is.”

Remus paused and wracked his brain, ignoring the way his heart sped up at the idea of Severus desiring to know what his _favourite song_ was. How juvenile. Sweet.

“Liebestraum is my favourite, you remember, the one I played back when I first started teaching you,” Remus answered. 

“How could I forget?” Severus asked sarcastically. “Do you have a favourite duet?”

“I do, why are you asking?”

“Tell me.”

“Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel,” Remus answered. “Now will you tell me why you want to know?”

Severus scoffed, “Is it a crime to ask you questions?” Remus narrowed his eyes. Severus relented. “It could be…nice for us to learn it together.”

“Who _are_ you?” Remus chuckled. “You sad, sad romantic.”

“Romantic? No, I’m merely suggesting that if we learn something together, it would be beneficial for both of us, rather than just for me,” Severus rationalised.

“Right,” Remus said, grinning. “I’m happy to do that. It’s going to take a few months of work for you, likely.”

“Then it’s settled,” Severus nodded. A strange, tingly sensation worked its way up Remus’ back and across the top of his head when the conversation finished. 

_Why on Earth_ had he called the suggestion romantic?

An occurrence from the Great Hall a couple of weeks ago replayed in Remus’s mind. Severus and that frantic look he gave him and Lily. This could finally be the time to ask about Lily - that one, taboo subject. Depending on Severus’ reaction, he may be able to talk to Lily about getting her help in convincing James and Sirius to leave Severus alone. 

Remus cleared his throat and psyched himself up to ask Severus, “Can I ask you about something?”

Severus, sensing Remus’ uneasiness, set down his cup and clasped his hands in front of him, leaning forward on his elbows. “What is it?”

“It’s about Lily.” Severus’ back straightened once more and his mouth fell into a downturned line. “You don’t have to tell me, of course, but I want to know what happened between you two.”

“Did she…say something to you?” Severus asked with an atypical nervousness that Remus had never seen on him before. His jaw was set in a firm line and he narrowed his eyes with suspicion.

Remus’ breath caught; the last thing he wanted to do was make Severus uncomfortable. “No! No, it’s just- she’s a friend of mine too, and, well - I was curious,” Remus stammered out.

Severus sighed and leaned back in his chair, his eyes were averted to the ground. “I guess we couldn’t avoid this forever,” he muttered. “What do you know?”

“That you two were good friends from before you came to Hogwarts, and you had a falling out at the end of our fifth year,” Remus answered. He traced a pattern on the side of his cup, grounding himself. 

“More or less, that’s everything,” Severus confirmed.

“Why haven’t you tried to amend things, just how bad was this ‘falling out’?” Remus asked.

“You were there that day, you heard what I called her. There’s no coming back from that - and I _tried_. She wants nothing to do with me,” Severus finished softly. 

There was more to it, Remus knew there was, but he didn’t know how to segue into it. “James used to talk about you two…I was curious-”

“About what?” Severus’ eyes snapped back up to Remus’ face.

“About how close the two of you were, unusually close for two ‘friends’ - James used to say. Was there any merit to that?” Remus asked cautiously.

“Are you asking me if we were involved?” 

“More or less, yeah,” Remus let out a nervous laugh, a last-ditch attempt to ease some of the tension.

“We weren’t, although I definitely wanted to be at one stage,” Severus confessed. He laughed acerbically, “I don’t know why I’m telling you any of this.”

“You don’t have to continue-”

“No, I should,” Severus cut him off. “I loved her, as more than friends at one point, but now I would give anything to be her friend again. I don’t care about the rest.”

Remus mulled over the confession. It carried a poignancy that Severus tried to keep out of his usually sarcastic demeanour. The lowered mood quickly disappeared as Severus smirked and fixed Remus with a curious eye. 

“Did Potter really think that we were together?” He asked.

Remus let out a bark of laughter and nodded. “He used to get really worked up over it, that’s why he crafted his own vendetta against you.”

Severus sighed, but that smirk didn’t budge from his face. “In all honesty, Lily and I kissed once when we were fourteen,” he said smugly.

“Wow, that’s news,” Remus said, his stomach clenched at the mental visualisation of those two together. 

Severus sported a look of distant nostalgia and recalled the memory to mind. “It was completely innocent, mind you. We were talking about relationships at the time, and Lily confessed that she was nervous for her first kiss.” Severus spared a glance at Remus. “You know, ‘What if I’m no good?’, that line of thinking.”

Remus nodded, eager to hear the rest and dispel the sudden weightlessness in his stomach. 

“I agreed with her, and so she proposed that we got it out of the way with each other so we wouldn’t be nervous when it came to the real thing with other people,” Severus explained. 

Remus couldn’t help the sudden burst of laughter that fell from his lips. “Severus, are you messing with me?” Remus asked as he doubled over, clutching his stomach and laughing.

“Am I missing something?” Severus narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah, you missed the huge hint she gave you. Merlin, you’re hopeless,” Remus felt tears spring to his eyes.

“What?”

Remus got his laughter under control and looked Severus in the eye to explain, “If a girl wants to ‘practice kissing’ with you, she’s definitely into you.”

Severus’ shoulders seized up defensively. “No, it wasn’t like that-”

“Are you sure?” Remus stifled another laugh.

“Yes! It didn’t mean anything and she _definitely_ didn’t see me like that, she just trusted me,” Severus argued.

“Whatever you say,” Remus dismissed.

“You’ve been spending too much time around Black and Potter, not everyone is devious like that,” Severus picked up his rapidly cooling cup of tea and took a sip.

Remus scoffed at the accusation, “That just makes me more equipped to read that situation for what it was - a girl nervously trying her best to get her crush to notice her.”

“Do you want me to remove your tongue?” Severus seethed. Remus nonchalantly held up his hands.

“So you _don’t_ want me to tell James that story? It might send his head spinning,” Remus joked.

“Don’t you dare.” Severus paused for a moment, eyebrows drawn together in concentration as he reconsidered Remus’ take on the situation. “Do you really think she was interested in me? How- why?”

Remus sighed and reached for an explanation, “Erm, she probably noticed that you were growing taller, that your voice was getting deeper, that sort of stuff. She probably saw you in a new light.”

And Severus _did_ have a nice voice. Even in the height of their animosity, Remus had always subconsciously recognised that fact. It rasped down Remus’ spine when he spoke softly to him at the piano, in the quiet of the library, in the silence of their chess games.

As quickly as it began, Remus put an end to that line of thinking. At the reminder of Remus’ recent, strange thought patterns, he felt his mood begin to sour.

“I don’t want to believe it,” Snape said in a quiet voice. 

A wave of sudden, inexplicable irritation washed over Remus. “Then don’t.”

He couldn’t explain it, but the almost hopeful note in Severus’ musing struck a nerve deep within Remus. It snapped his mood in two, stealing away their candid, almost nostalgic conversation and replaced it with something - at least in Remus’ mind - almost akin to jealousy.

The anger vanished from his system as quickly as it appeared, and shame replaced it. His cheeks were tinted with it, and he was afraid to open his mouth lest he said something idiotic.

Despite Severus denouncing his feelings towards Lily no less than five minutes ago, was it possible that he was still harbouring feelings for her?

Why did Remus even care?

Severus’s brow knitted together, his lips pressed into a tight line and he straightened his posture. “Something troubling your mind, Lupin?”

Remus sighed and brought his hand up to cover his eyes, rubbing at his temples with his finger and thumb. “It’s- fine, I’m fine.”

“Full moon?” Severus asked. 

Remus slowly nodded. For all its pitfalls, lycanthropy was a solid scapegoat. “Three days away. Irritability must be a new symptom, I’m sorry.”

“It didn’t feel right,” Severus said suddenly. A faint rosy colour tinted his sallow cheeks and he looked down to the glass teapot. His eyes traced a runaway droplet of condensation.

“What?” Remus asked, leaning back in his chair. He pulled his wand out and flicked it towards the fireplace. The cold air was starting to eat away at Remus’ skin, raising goosebumps in its wake. He knew Severus was feeling it too - his arms were crossed over his chest and he shook slightly. The fire roared to life, bathing half of Severus’ face in orange light.

“-With Lily. I- something was off. It wasn’t _her_ , per se, but-,” Severus groaned and let his head fall into his hands. His hair fell in front of his face, hiding his expression.

“Go on,” Remus prompted.

“It’s difficult to phrase.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to justify it to me,” Remus said.

“I know, I just-” Severus stumbled over an explanation before pulling his lips tightly together and falling silent. “Sorry.”

Remus stood up and stretched, raising his hands above his head and throwing his head back to loosen up his neck muscles. “Merlin, you’ve changed.”

“I beg your pardon?” Severus asked coldly, glaring at Remus and his declaration.

Remus dropped his hands back down and made his way to the piano. He opened the fallboard and fell onto the seat before he casually tapped a series of keys in ascending order. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good thing.”

“Do you care to elaborate?”

“Do you care to join me?” Remus shot back and eyed Severus, who was now standing. After a moment’s hesitation, Severus glided over to the piano and sank into the seat next to Remus. He occupied the lower keys and tried to match what Remus was slowly playing.

“Will you tell me what you meant by that now?” Severus asked. 

Remus tapped out a two-handed melody slow enough for Severus to follow along. “The old you wouldn’t have apologised like that. You were unapologetic, often to a nasty, passive-aggressive fault.”

“And you’re one to talk-”

“I take it back,” Remus decided abruptly. 

Severus groaned and stopped playing, his hands rested on some dissonant keys and the sound echoed through the room. “ _My apologies_ if my earnest confession and subsequent ineligible babbling were putting you on edge.”

“Are you worried that you’ll make me uncomfortable?”

“No,” Severus answered a beat too quickly. He paused for a moment, then asked slowly, “Why would I be? And why _would_ you be uncomfortable?”

Remus opened his mouth to respond, but he swallowed it back down when he realised that it would sound nonsensical.

Instead, Remus continued playing, and Severus followed his lead.


	14. You Might Win Some (But You Really Lost One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily makes an explosive appearance. Remus and Severus talk it out - as they always do. Blink-and-you'll-miss internalised homophobia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm so sorry that this chapter is super overdue, I've had some really weird things happen in my personal life at the moment, but I'm slowly getting back on track with my writing. I hope you like this chapter, it's a bit of a warning of what's still to come.

Remus went home for his final Christmas holiday at Hogwarts. It was uneventful, yet the air was tense. His father tried to avoid talk of the war outside of warning Remus to “keep his head out of it”. He couldn’t promise anything.

Things at Hogwarts picked up quickly once the break ended. The professors bombarded them with endless preparations for the NEWTS - meaning that he was constantly in the library with Severus. It was a pleasant arrangement, as it so often was, and his other friends didn’t bother following him.

At this specific juncture, Remus and Severus were working on their Herbology assignments. Professor Sprout had been ruthless with the NEWT preparations, dishing out weekly assignments on top of their usual homework. 

“There’s a typo here,” Remus mused and traced a finger over the misspelled ‘Aspodal’. 

Severus scoffed and leaned back in his chair. They were tucked away towards the back of the library, flush against the wall and facing each other from opposite sides of the row. They both cradled their books in their laps, their parchments were on the respective desks behind them.

“What a fascinating life you live.”

Remus shrugged and looked up from his book to eye Severus, giving him a deadpan expression. “You’re an avid chess player.”

“You just can’t resist, can you? Drop it, already.”

“You’ll have to make me.”

Severus scoffed for a second time as Remus chuckled. His bitter facade dropped and he laughed along with Remus, whose face had grown crimson without explicit reason. Just as they were quieting back down, Remus’ attention was drawn to a flicker of movement at the beginning of the row. 

Lily Evans stood still, watching their exchange with a stony expression. Her eyes flickered between Remus and Severus, lingering on the latter for a second longer. She looks back at Remus, meeting his eyes, and her top lip curls in disgust - a rare expression on her dainty features.

“Lily-” Remus said and abruptly rose from his chair. She didn’t respond to her name, instead, she turned on her heel and stalked away.

Remus looked at Severus, who now looked rather grim, but he didn’t say a word. Severus nodded, understanding that Remus had to follow after her. He quickly gathered his things and followed her out of the library. 

She wasn’t in the hall immediately outside of the library - she must already be on her way back to the Gryffindor tower. Remus ran in that direction. Around the first corner, he spotted her familiar head of red hair.

“Lily!” He shouted and quickened his pace. She stopped walking and slowly turned to face him; her chest heaved with an exasperated sigh. 

Remus panted when he caught up to her, standing only a few feet apart in the middle of the deserted corridor. 

“Remus, what the fuck?” 

He blanched, he’d never heard her swear before.

“I know- I-”

“He is a _bad_ guy, Remus. You should know better than to- to associate yourself with someone like him,” Lily scowled and crossed her arms over her chest. Not good. Remus didn’t want her to feel defensive or closed off, he had no clue how to handle this.

“I know you think that, but-”

“Nothing! No ‘buts’! I know him better than you think I do. He,” Lily threw her hand out in the direction Remus came from, “is _not_ the type of person you want to be around when this war hits.”

Lily paused, her face red with frustration, and she eyed Remus with caution. He stayed silent for a moment, letting her words expire in the air between them. The explanation teetered on the edge of Remus’ tongue, and he must’ve looked desperate to explain himself because Lily conceded.

“Fine. Spit it out,” she ordered. 

“Severus and I were partnered together for an Astronomy project last year. We work well together, and- we just got close-”

“You got _close_?” Lily asked vehemently and eyed him, taking a step backward. Her stress on the word ‘close’ insinuated something perverse with their relationship. While Remus’ head has been a mess of confusing thoughts for the past month, he at least had to defend Severus’ honour. He could never- _would_ never-

“What? No- I mean- what do you take me for?” Remus raised his hands defensively. 

Lily furrowed her brow in a silent yet reluctant gesture to let Remus continue. 

“He’s my _friend_ ,” he finished.

Lily sighed and averted her eyes to an eavesdropping painting on the wall. It looked away and pretended to mind its own business. She looked back to Remus. 

“Look, I know you think this is a good idea, but it's not. I know. If my own experience isn’t enough to convince you, then you should know this.” Lily leaned in and lowered her voice. “Some of the Slytherins have already met _Him_. He told me back in our fifth year.”

Remus’ blood ran cold. He tried to suppress the chill that ran up his spine. Severus had never mentioned _that_ , as far as he could remember. 

“So who’s to say that he isn’t one of the lucky few who have met You-Know-Who in the flesh?” Lily asked quietly.

Remus swallowed at the weighty words. As much as he didn’t want to believe it - especially with Severus’ previous denunciation of purebloods and blood supremacy alike - it was a very real possibility.

When he didn’t answer, Lily moved to walk away. His stomach dropped suddenly; she now had a very sensitive piece of information about Remus that she could do anything with.

“Lily-”

“And I won’t tell James about you two,” she answered, guessing his question. She walked away without a glance back, leaving Remus alone. Remus knew that this conversation was far from over.

* * *

_Tap, tap, tap._ Remus’ foot bounced on the ground in the Room of Requirement. He was sitting at the piano and had halted in the middle of a song. The room was empty save for the echoing manifestation of his anxiety.

Severus was supposed to meet him here twenty minutes ago, but there was no sight of him so far. Remus was left to stew in his own anxieties. There was no doubt he’d ask how his talk with Lily went, and then Remus would have to follow that with questions about You-Know-Who and Severus’ supposed previous meetings with him.

One part of Remus wanted to take what Lily said at face value. She was a constant in his life, a friendly and trustworthy force who didn’t have a malicious bone in her body. Another part of Remus just _knew_ that Severus wasn’t like that. He wasn’t interested in becoming a- a _Death Eater_ and devoting his life to a genocidal maniac. Yet still, he had to ask.

“Started without me?” Severus asked as he entered the room. Remus whipped around to face him, dragging his legs around the stool to give him his full attention. His eyes flicked up to Severus’ hairstyle - that damn wand was twisted into his hair again. 

“You were taking too long, thought I’d warm up and mess around a little.”

“It’s Regulus’ fault. The dolt didn’t finish his Potions homework in time and needed some clarification from me,” Severus groaned as he made his way over to the piano.

That explained the hairstyle, at least. It didn’t last a moment longer; Severus pulled the wand from his hair and pocketed it. His black hair fell to his shoulders and there was now a wavy kink in it from it being twisted so tightly. 

“Let’s not waste another moment,” Severus demanded as he stretched his wrists. 

Remus was waiting for the question that never came, so he prompted the conversation himself. “Aren’t you going to ask me about Lily?”

Severus’ face remained impressively passive. “No.”

“Why, don’t you want to talk about it?”

“I do, I don’t know if I’m ready to hear it, that’s all,” Severus answered. 

“It’s…fine,” Remus chose his words carefully. “She was shocked, that’s all.”

Severus saw right through it. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Remus took a steady breath and faced Severus, angling his body away from the piano and towards his friend. He mirrored the action and met Remus’ eyes. 

“Have you or anyone else in your house met _You-Know-Who_?” Remus asked quietly. The words lingered in the space between them, growing heavier with every passing second. Severus sighed and averted his gaze.

“I haven’t - and I don’t particularly want to - but I know some people who have,” Severus answered.

The words were spoken with such a weight that Remus couldn’t find any trace of envy in his words. Just disgust and fear. 

“Lily’s under the impression that you are of… _that_ particular persuasion,” Remus said softly.

“What, that I’m eager to meet You-Know-Who?” Severus clarified, and Remus gave a small nod. Severus froze, eyebrows furrowed and mouth slightly agape. He scoffed and straightened his posture. 

“Look, I don’t want you to be upset-”

“I’m not,” Severus cut him off. His face went back to that impressive, passive slate - facade as strong as steel. 

Remus didn’t particularly fancy playing mediator, but if that’s what it took- 

“Do you want me to speak to her?” He asked.

Severus eyed him. “And say what?”

Remus forced himself to maintain eye contact, shying away from the icy flames burning behind Severus’ eyes would do him no good now. Nor would getting caught up in how his pupils were slightly blown, how his black lashes curled upwards towards his brow. “Something to put her mind at ease, or to put you two on a path to recovering your friendship.”

“No, that’s not happening,” Severus said firmly.

“But if she knew-"

“I said leave it alone," Severus said aggressively.

Remus stood up and left Severus by the piano. He made a beeline through the room to the chairs by the fireplace and rested his head in his hands after he sat. Footsteps followed him and lead to the chair opposite him. 

“I’ll be honest. I’m in contact with Lucius Malfoy,” Severus confessed. Remus shot upright and stared at Severus, who sported a semi-disgusted look. “Or, more accurately, he’s in contact with me.”

“Why?”

“He’s been trying to recruit me into _His_ army. I don’t know why they’d want a poor half-blood like me, but I’ve been avoiding it as much as possible. There’s only so many times you can say no to these people,” Severus explained.

Remus felt his heart sink. Severus was right, of course - there have been reports of people being slaughtered after rejecting You-Know-Who, and he _really_ didn’t fancy seeing Severus’ name on The Daily Prophet. Fear gripped him, it was as real and as tangible as the fear he felt every month around the full moon, but it was different this time. It reminded him of when he thought he’d killed Severus. Those terrible, stretched out moments before James cleared the air and said that Severus survived swam around the forefront of his mind. 

“Malfoy must have boasted about your Potions abilities, or maybe your Prince heritage,” Remus suggested, trying not to think about the very real possibility of Severus being killed once he graduates from Hogwarts.

Severus screwed up his face and shook his head. “That isn’t it. I’ve tainted the blood.”

“What a ridiculous way to look at it.”

“Old habits die hard.” Severus shrugged. “I’d rather it be isolated to self-deprecation rather than directed towards anyone else.”

“I’d rather you didn’t think like that at all,” Remus frowned. 

“Would you rather me think about my inevitable demise?” Severus asked nonchalantly. He crossed his arms over his chest and quirked an eyebrow. “I know you’ve connected the dots as well.”

“Can’t we get back to what we were talking about before? A topic other than your supposed death?” Remus pleaded. He _really_ wanted to stop talking about this before it caused a heart arrhythmia. It was definitely something to return to someday so they could develop a plan of sorts, but _fuck_ , Remus could not do this today.

“Like what? How Lily would rather hate you than reconcile with me?”

“That’s not-”

“Ah yes, that’s much better,” Severus smirked.

“I promise you, Severus, I’ll make this right,” Remus said with determination. He rose from his chair, a plan already forming in his mind. He left Severus in the Room of Requirement, the piano session was long forgotten. He would make this right, and in the process, he could distract himself from Severus’ ominous premonition of his own fate.


	15. The Dark Side Of The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lily is satisfied, Severus is mad, and Remus is gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another week, another chapter. I've momentarily abandoned my posting schedule, but over the next couple of weeks, I'll work towards posting on the weekends again. I hope you enjoy!

“Are you sure about this?” Lily’s voice wavered a tad on the inflection of her question, but Remus knew she felt confident for this.

“Of course I’m sure, he’ll be okay,” Remus answered.

Since Remus’ caustic run-in with Lily three days prior, he’d spent every spare moment trying to convince her that Severus had changed. He told her of how he tries to stay away from the other Slytherins whenever he can, how he doesn’t buy into their ideology anymore, and how he _hasn’t_ seen You-Know-Who for an early indoctrination. When none of that worked, Remus changed his angle.

“Fine,” he said, “I know that you’ve moved on, but he’s really important to me. Can you do this for _me_?”

Whatever he said must have said struck a chord within Lily, for her expression softened and she agreed to accompany Remus to a Charms study session with Severus.

Remus didn’t warn Severus that Lily would be joining them that night. It would definitely be a surprise for him, but if he had warned him beforehand, he would have tried to talk Remus out of it. Severus also gave Remus a hearty order to avoid meddling, but what kind of friend would he be if he didn’t try?

“I hope so, it’ll still take us a while to get back into the groove of our old friendship- and that’s assuming that he’s as reformed as you claim him to be,” Lily said as they entered the library. “But I’ve missed him. Thank you, Remus.”

“Don’t mention it. As you said, you haven’t made up your mind yet.” Remus offered her a sly grin. 

Remus led Lily to his and Severus’ usual meeting spot towards the back of the library. Severus must have heard a set of footsteps approaching because after they turned into the row, he started talking before he looked up from his sprawled textbooks.

“Hey Remus, I wanted to ask you- oh,” Severus fell silent after he looked up. His gaze jumped straight over Remus and landed on his estranged friend. Lily held her bookbag in front of her chest, her fiery hair cascaded down over her shoulders and her arms, rendering her in the likeness of a Renaissance painting. 

Remus jumped in to fill the void of noise. “Lily’s going to join us tonight. I usually study Charms with her, but I thought ‘three heads are better than two’, so I invited her along. I hope you don’t mind.”

A muscle above Severus’ eyebrow twitched, as though he were repressing the instinct to raise them in shock. The loose smile that graced his face when he thought he was only speaking to Remus vanished and was replaced with a stoic expression. “No, I don’t mind.”

“Great,” Remus said lightly. If he kept his tone casual, maybe Severus would lose his stiff composure and Lily wouldn’t act so awkward. Remus placed his belongings on the desk next to Severus; Lily put her bag down on the opposite table but spun her chair around so she could easily converse with the two.

“What was it that you wanted to ask me?” Remus asked, hoping that the answer was interesting enough to trigger some kind of interaction between his two friends.

“Forget it,” Severus muttered. Remus nodded, maybe it wasn’t for polite ears.  


The night continued. Remus did most of the talking for the first ten minutes, while Severus would switch between writing notes and vague noises of agreeance on whatever topic Remus was complaining about. Lily followed in the same manner until Remus mentioned their marks from the previous week’s assignment.

Lily groaned and dropped her book back on the desk behind her, ready to launch into a tirade. “I just don’t understand why Flitwick would leave a comment saying my answer was technically right but then leave zero marks. That last question was worth four marks, and if my answer was _technically_ correct by the textbook’s standards, I cannot fathom why he wouldn’t award me at least half of the marks.”

“Wow, you must have been bottling that up for some time,” Remus laughed.

“Flitwick must have been shocked, was that the first time you've sunk below an ‘Outstanding’ in Charms?” Severus’ question tailed Remus’ laughter, as though he were trying to make the question seem as natural as possible - like it was coming from a genuine place.

“Yes, ‘Exceeds Expectations’! All because he decided to not word the question correctly then blame the students for not being able to read his mind,” Lily seethed.

“I remember that question, I think Flitwick only gave me one mark for it as well. He said that he needed more information on the genesis of the spell, but the question only asked for its recent evolutions and transformations. If he wanted a detailed report on how that blasted spell was originally crafted, he should have asked for that,” Severus sneered. 

Lily grinned, brilliant and blinding. “Thank you, I’ve finally found someone who agrees. The Professor declined my appeal for a remarking, and my friends think I’m overreacting.”

It was times like this when Remus could understand why James was so enamoured with Lily. When she was filled with this righteous anger, this passion, she glowed. And the passion in question was _Charms homework_ , Remus could only imagine how fired she could get up when faced with real strife. And Severus…

“-But Remus rose above us both, he managed to scrape an ‘Outstanding’.” The sound of Severus saying his name brought Remus back from his internal musing. He latched onto the only part of the conversation he heard.

“‘Managed to scrape’?” Remus teased. “You saw just how bloody hard I worked on that last assignment. I think you’re just threatened because I’m finally getting better marks than you in something.” Remus laughed as he spoke, he hoped Severus wouldn’t read him the wrong way as he was prone to doing from time to time.

“That’s not true, you’ve always been more gifted in Herbology than me. Plus, you’re a piano virtuoso.”

“Wait, you play piano?” Lily directed her attention back to Remus.

“Yes, but I’m no virtuoso, as Severus kindly put it,” Remus explained, bringing a hand up to sheepishly rub at the back of his neck.

Severus scoffed. “Far too modest, as always. You should see him, he’s-”

“Where have _you_ seen him play? There’s no piano at Hogwarts, save for the one used by the choir - but there’s no way you’d get access to that.” Lily furrowed her brow, deep in thought.

Remus exchanged a glance with Severus while Lily averted her gaze to the ground in thought. He looked like he was holding something back, perhaps some kind of verbal beratement directed towards himself for almost revealing the existence of the Room of Requirement. But he glared at Remus, and then the Gryffindor felt less certain that that was the case.

“Slytherin secret. You’ll be surprised what lurks in the bowels of the school,” Severus lied quickly. He was passive in his words, calm and calculated. He’d had practice doing this. 

Lily accepted the vague answer and the trio returned to their work.

Remus was almost finished with his Charms homework for the night when Lily spoke again. “Remus, I’ve been meaning to ask you about this for a while.”

Remus put his quill back into the inkwell and looked at Lily. “What is it?”

Lily spared a glance at Severus, looking for signs of discomfort before asking, “Do you know what’s going on with Sirius lately? I just thought I’d ask now before the subject slipped my mind again.”

Remus pursed his lips. So other people were noticing too. While Remus had his own theories surrounding the matter, he wasn’t going to indulge them to just anyone in the foreseeable future. He looked over to Severus to see if he was uncomfortable talking about the other Gryffindors. Instead, he sported a look of faint amusement, likely jubilant to hear that Sirius was suffering from some unspoken angst. It was the most relaxed he’d seen Severus all night.

He could imagine Severus’ baritone voice now, vocalising his very thoughts. “Serves him right,” he would say. Instead, he kept quiet and looked as though he were praying Remus to divulge the secrets of Sirius Black.

“Can you be more specific?” Remus asked, turning his attention back to Lily. 

“I- nevermind. It sounds ridiculous,” Lily muttered.

“It doesn’t, I’ve noticed something too. Don’t worry about it, as far as you’re concerned, it’s teenage angst,” Remus dismissed the topic. 

The library’s closing time grew closer, and the trio decided to call it a night. Once they were outside the library, Lily turned to face the two boys. 

“This was nice. If you two haven’t finished your Transfiguration assignments, I’d love to meet again on Friday night,” Lily smiled, teeth as blinding as the rising moon. 

Next to him, Severus stiffened. His face was as passive as it had been the entire night, but his eyes held a hidden note of panic. Remus jumped in, “That sounds great. Same time, same place?”

“Perfect. I’ll see you back in the common room, Remus.” She turned her attention to Severus. “Goodnight.”

Severus gave her a nod and said, “Goodnight.” Lily gave them one last smile and departed. Once Lily was out of earshot and around the corner, Severus rounded on Remus, eyes ablaze with pent-up aggression.

“You had _no_ right-”

“Severus-”

“ _Don’t_. I do not care what you thought you were doing, that was _not_ your place,” Severus seethed. 

He lapsed into an angry tirade directed at Remus and his irresponsible foregoing of his wishes, but it completely went over Remus’ head. While Severus was currently filled with unrelenting rage, Remus knew that once he cooled down, he’d thank Remus for helping him make amends with Lily. 

“-I only had one request-”

It didn’t hurt, really. The reprimanding. Remus knew he looked bizarre, carrying a lofty smile while his friend berated him with everything he had. 

Severus stopped his chastising, his chest huffed and his mouth was parted. He didn’t meet Remus’ eyes, instead, he looked to his left, refusing to look straight ahead. Remus’ eyes drifted down to his lips, and it took every ounce of him to not push forward and press his lips to Severus’.

He imagined what it would feel like, the brush of plump skin against his own. Would Severus make a noise of surprise, or would he thread his hands into Remus’ hair and tighten his grip? Would he kiss him back or back off in disgust? Remus took a step forward against his better judgment. The movement caught Severus’ eye and he turned his attention back to the Gryffindor.

“You’re quite beautiful when you’re mad,” Remus muttered. The words escaped him before he could take them back, and he waited in the resulting silence for Severus’ response. _Why on Earth would he say that?_

The man took a small step back and his face turned an angry red colour. Severus looked crestfallen, and he gave Remus a look filled with disgust. “That’s low, even for you. How could you use that against me?”

Severus pushed past Remus, knocking him back by his shoulder as he took brisk steps away from the library. 

“Wait, I-” Remus tried to call after him, but Severus didn’t look back. _He thought Remus was lying?_

Remus sighed and brought a hand up to cradle his forehead. What had he just done? Although he’d just offended Severus for some reason he didn’t fully understand - Remus didn’t lie to him, after all - he couldn’t force himself to think about that if he even wanted to. No, he was more concerned about the very bodily reaction he had to Severus’ flushed cheeks and parted lips.

He had almost _kissed_ him. What stopped him? What would have pushed him over the edge? Why did Severus only react to his words, and not to him leaning in, crowding his space? Unless he truly was that naive. 

His heart rate hadn’t returned to normal since the thought of kissing Severus entered his mind. It scared him, the _want_. The desire. He had only ever admired the man passively in the past, silently comparing him to Eastern European royalty in his mind, but this was different. Vocalising it upset Severus, he thought Remus was twisted enough to use his insecurities against him, to manipulate him into forgetting about Remus’ betrayal of trust regarding Lily, but if Severus knew the truth behind why he said that…

He’d never want to speak to him again.

Remus had to bite his tongue and put a dampener on his thoughts from here on out.


	16. Smile, Though Your Heart Is Aching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus overhears a cryptic conversation. CW for implied homophobia, internalised and otherwise. Sirius faces...troubles.

In their next Potions class, Severus was distant. He didn’t show Remus any new techniques or fix any of the methodology. Instead, Severus did most of the work himself to ensure they would still get a top score. 

He avoided him throughout the rest of the day, and Remus felt grim as the night drew closer. They were supposed to meet in the library again to complete some last-minute Astronomy homework and Remus got the sinking feeling that Severus wouldn’t show up.

“Going out for the night again?” Sirius asked as Remus collected his belongings in their dormitory. 

“Yeah, we have a midnight Astronomy class tonight and I’m going to go to the library beforehand to prepare for the lesson,” Remus explained. When he did this in the past, he would loiter in the halls with Severus between the closing hours of the library and the start of class. Tonight may be different.

“Got it, good thing I have Prongs and Wormtail for company, then,” Sirius mused.

Remus raised an eyebrow as he shrugged the strap of his bag onto his shoulder. “What about Marlene? Weren’t you two about to go public? I mean, everyone else in Gryffindor knows it.”

“Ah, that fizzled out. She’s not my type,” Sirius sighed.

“Merlin, I’ll be getting the full story from you tomorrow, okay?” Remus asked. Sirius smiled and nodded.

After he left the Gryffindor Tower, Remus made his way directly to the library. He didn’t check the map beforehand, he knew no one would be there this time of the night. 

As though the Gods existed to prove him wrong, when Remus turned into his usual row in the library, Severus already had his ink-blotted parchment unrolled on the desk. 

Remus slowly approached the man, and after he set his things down, he asked, “Mind if I sit here?”

Severus looked up at Remus, fixing his black eyes on his sheepish expression. “Sure.” 

He returned to his work quietly as Remus sat beside him. So there _were_ certain things Severus couldn’t stay away from anymore. Remus held that little nugget of information close to his heart. The next hour passed slowly, they passed textbooks between them without trading a word - Remus didn’t dare speak. The librarian gave them the five-minute call for the closing time, and Severus immediately packed up his things. 

“Wait!” The word fell from Remus’ mouth before he could take it back. Severus paused, already standing with his back to Remus.

“What is it, Lupin?” Severus asked. 

Remus stood up and walked in front of Severus, turning back around to face him. Severus’ hair was slightly rumpled, having just pulled his wand free from the dark tresses. His eyebrows were drawn in close together as he frowned up at Remus. 

“Lily’s joining us again tomorrow night, I thought I should give you a reminder so you aren’t startled again,” Remus said softly. 

Severus pursed his lips and clasped his hands together neatly. Remus felt like a specimen underneath a microscope, held in place by Severus’ cold, calculating gaze. 

The silence stretched out, and Remus clenched and unclenched his hands at his sides. His palms were starting to sweat but he was too focused to wipe the moisture away. Severus still didn’t speak, so Remus said what he should have said at the start of the night. “I’m sorry.”

Severus remained unmoved. 

“I shouldn’t have meddled with your affairs. As you said, it wasn’t my place. If you want, I can tell Lily to cancel-”

“No!” Severus cut him off quickly. A faint pink hue blemished his cheeks. “Don’t do that. Although I’m still mad at you for defying my explicit orders, it was good to have you as a buffer between Lily and me. I will admit that without you, it’s unlikely that I ever would have spoken to her again. Thank you.”

“Are we okay, then?” Remus asked tentatively.

Severus chuckled, “Quit the dramatics. Do you want to visit the Room of Requirement before Astronomy?”

Remus grinned. 

* * *

Remus raced down the Grand Staircase, almost dropping his rolls of parchment over the railing as he flew down each flight. He was late. So very late. 

Sirius told Remus about what happened with Marlene, how he said someone else’s name while she was going down on him. The second-hand embarrassment almost overpowered Remus’ desire to find out whose name Sirius said, but he wouldn’t budge on that detail. 

“Maybe someday, Moony,” Sirius had said from between the shaky hands covering his red face. “If Marlene sends any dirty looks our way, ignore them. I think she hates us all by association now.”

“No wonder, you embarrassed the poor girl,” Remus said.

“I embarrassed myself, more accurately!” Sirius fought back.

"Fizzled out was a very mild way to put it, by the way," Remus said, referencing their conversation from yesterday.

Sirius shot up in his bed. "You _can't_ tell anyone about this."

"For her sake or yours?" Remus chuckled.

"Both!"

Their jokes and laughter distracted Remus so much that he didn’t realise it had eclipsed the starting time for his Transfiguration rendezvous with Lily and Severus in the library. Severus said himself that Remus was to be the buffer between him and Lily until they were comfortable with each other again. He was fifteen minutes late. He excused himself without further ado and departed from the Gryffindor Tower without sparing a glance backwards.

After his successful juggling act with his parchment and books, Remus reached the library. He wove through the rows to his usual meeting place in the back, but he stopped a row short when he heard talking.

Severus and Lily were already together - that much was obvious - and even though Remus couldn’t make out any words, their tones were serious. He slid into the adjacent row and strained his hearing. Eavesdropping wasn’t exactly virtuous, but something in Remus’ gut told him not to interrupt this conversation just yet.

“I’ve missed you-” 

“As have I,” Severus said eagerly, a note too quickly as he cut off Lily. 

“-But I want to know why you haven’t spoken to me at _all_ in the past year and a half.”

“You asked me to leave you alone. I complied.”

Remus shifted as quietly as he could; the Transfiguration textbook was slipping in his grip and was about to give away his location.

“And why would you bother to make things right after all this time?” Lily asked.

Severus let out an acerbic laugh, more at his own expense than at Lily’s question. “It was actually Remus’ doing, as I’m sure you’re aware. He knew how badly I wanted to talk to you again, how badly I wanted to make things right. Without him, I doubt I ever would have plucked up the courage to have this conversation.”

Lily chuckled, “Thank Merlin for Remus, then.”

“Indeed.”

Remus smiled, it was a comfort to know that Severus appreciated his actions. 

“If what you’ve told me is true, then I think it would be best to put the past behind us,” Lily said.

Remus could imagine the rare smile on Severus’ face right now, glowing and genuine. “Of course, and I fully expect you to hex me into a million pieces if I ever upset you again.”

There was a long pause, then Lily cleared her throat.

“So...Remus, hey?” Lily asked. Remus could hear the smirk in her voice. He wasn’t sure if he liked the element of suggestion in her tone.

Severus groaned softly, a deep sound that reverberated through the air. 

“Before you make any insulting insinuations, you should know that it’s not like that,” Severus whispered, barely loud enough for Remus to hear. "We're friends. It started with us studying together, and it developed from there."

“Does he know?” Lily asked quietly. “About your-”

“No,” Severus replied hastily, “and he never will.”

Remus frowned, how ominous. While he knew Severus to be a reserved individual, he didn’t think he was actively keeping secrets from him. The only mystery that came to mind was the issue of his familial life, and Remus was not brazen enough to ask about that. As quickly as Severus uttered his reply, Remus tried to cast the issue from his mind, though he knew that the quandary would nag at the back of his mind forever.

“Even so, you two are a combination of people I never expected to see together,” Lily mused. 

She was right, Remus thought. Had they not been paired together in Astronomy all those months ago, they likely never would have crossed paths in a positive manner. He would have no idea of Severus’ capability of wit, of astuteness, of general companionship.

“It is not as bizarre as I originally thought it to be - we have quite a lot in common,” Severus said.

Lily giggled, “Including your proclivity for-”

“Maybe it was a mistake to make amends.”

“Ah, don’t be like that, Sev. I’m only teasing you, although my previous assumption about Remus rings true. I’d wager ten galleons on it,” Lily said. He could hear the playful grin on her face coming through in the last sentence.

“That much? I don’t know…” Severus trailed off hesitantly.

“Have a bit of faith, Sev.”

“I wouldn’t wish this on anyone,” Severus said grimly. _What_ were they talking about? Though Remus couldn’t see either of them, he felt the mood shift. Things weren’t as playful anymore.

“It’ll get better someday,” Lily comforted. “Most people here at Hogwarts are okay with it, and you don’t have to interact with Muggles much - besides your dad.”

Severus scoffed. “I didn’t even have to say anything to the bastard, not that I wanted to. He already knew.”

In an effort to turn the conversation around, Lily started joking again. “Just like how I know that Remus-”

“Where _is_ Remus? It’s not like him to be late when he was looking forward to this,” Severus wondered aloud, unfortunately cutting Lily off from declaring her predictions about a proclivity of his. Remus was growing more confused every minute, he must have missed something while he was running down the stairs.

“Still caught up with Sirius, most likely. He and Marlene suffered a rather unpleasant breakup, she wouldn’t tell me much but she said she wants nothing to do with any of them anymore,” Lily explained. Remus bit back a laugh, it’s a good thing she didn’t have the full story, Severus would never let it go if he heard it.

“Smart girl,” Severus mused.

This was as good a time as any to reveal himself. Remus picked up the textbook he previously set down and rounded the corner, pretending to have only just entered the library.

“Sorry I’m late,” Remus huffed, pretending to still be exhausted with the effort it took to get here in a rush, “it was Sirius, he- you know how he gets.” He waved a hand dismissively after he set his books down.

“Yes,” Severus smirked, “we know. Lily filled me in. She said he suffered a most onerous breakup, care to divulge?”

Remus looked across and found Lily staring directly at him. She had a look of faint amusement on her face, as though she were enjoying watching their exchange. There was a critical look in her eye too, but Remus politely smiled at her and returned his attention to Severus.

“I...don’t think it would be wise to share the details at the moment. It’s rather sensitive, or at least, it has the potential to be,” Remus tried to be as vague as possible in case Marlene shared any extra details with Lily that she didn’t already share with Severus. “Besides, you hate the man, why would you care?”

Severus shrugged gracelessly. “I thought it could have been funny if the reason was embarrassing enough.” And it was.

Remus sighed and shook his head. “We shouldn’t waste any more time, how far into the homework are you two?”

* * *

The next day, Saturday, Remus and Sirius lounged about in the Great Hall. The hour was noon, and they were waiting for James and Peter to join them before lunch commenced. Remus tried to bug Sirius into telling him exactly whose name he said instead of Marlene’s, but he wouldn’t budge.

“Seriously, Moony, you’ll gain no answers from me if you continue on like that,” Sirius chastised. 

“Oh come on, it won’t hurt more than the actual encounter itself,” Remus teased.

“Moony!” Sirius hissed. 

“Right, sorry, I’ll drop it,” Remus conceded with a grin, glad he was finally able to get under Sirius’ skin about something rather than the other way around. Sirius rolled his eyes but ultimately smiled along with Remus. 

“There they are,” Sirius said, looking at the door. James looked mildly irritated and confused, and Peter was in a similar state. They approached the table and sat down opposite Remus and Sirius. Immediately, James focused on Sirius.

“What did you do to Marlene?” James asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow. “I know you two broke up, but I didn’t think it was that bad. She completely greased me off just now.” Peter showed a similar expression of confusion, furrowing his brow and giving Sirius a weak, encouraging smile.

_He didn’t tell James and Peter?_

Sirius stammered over an explanation, showing a rare display of sheepishness. He looked around the hall, trying to find something or someone to deflect onto. He must’ve found it, for his face immediately fell from that embarrassed expression into a look of bewilderment and disgust.

“Never mind Marlene, is that…” he trailed off, apparently too disturbed to continue. Everyone followed his gaze back to the door, where two seventh years just entered.

“Snivvy and Lily?” James finished the exclamation, his voice rising an octave with disbelief. “How did he worm his way back in? I thought that bridge was burned for good.”

Remus felt Peter’s gaze drift to him, and he steeled himself, looking instead to the duo by the door. They were conversing, and Severus rested a hand on Lily’s shoulder as a parting gesture. Lily smiled at him before turning and heading towards the Gryffindor table.

“She’s going to have a lot of questions to answer,” James mumbled before she sat down next to him. Lily shot Remus a subtle wink before kissing her boyfriend on the cheek. It was a simple gesture, one of trust. His secret was safe.

Remus looked back over to the door as James’ line of questioning started. He caught the small smile Severus sent his way before he headed towards the Slytherin table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I live for dramatic irony.


	17. Keep It In The Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus' constant people-pleasing catches up to him in the worst possible way. CW: period-typical homophobia (mainly stereotypes but I thought I should warn you just in case).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus is in dire need of some character development, hopefully this chapter will kickstart it...

Remus cupped his hands in front of his mouth and blew warm air over his fingers. They were red and aching in the chill of the coldest morning of January. It was a Saturday morning before the rest of the castle had awoken. Remus nicked a book from the Room of Requirement the last time he was in there - Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen - and read part of it on the dewy banks of the lake. The book was now shrunken and neatly tucked into his back pocket so he could warm his hands back up. 

Though he usually wasn’t one for morning walks, the lake was peaceful this time of day. There were no giggling first years crowding the shore, no third years daring each other to swim out to where your feet can’t touch the bottom. The only thing that would have made the experience better would have been if he had a friend by his side. Not any of the Marauders, they were too rowdy for an atmosphere this mellow. Maybe Severus would be better suited. He should bring him down here someday.

Remus walked back up the hill towards the castle, he still had a long way to go before he reached the Great Hall. He was already dressed in a brown knitted sweater and dark slacks, he was lucky that it was Saturday; he didn’t have to go back to the Gryffindor Tower to change into his uniform for classes. He just hoped that Sense and Sensibility stayed put in his pocket - his friends might pester him about its origin if they discover it.

Remus reached the castle, there were already students bustling about and he caught some eager whispers about the Hogsmeade trip today. While Remus was keen to go, he felt as though he should grab some gloves before they departed.

As he entered the Great Hall, Sirius was waiting by the door. He looked eager about something - Merlin knows what - and he pulled Remus in close by the sleeve of his sweater. 

“I hope you don’t have plans for tonight,” Sirius said with a grin.

“Besides the Hogsmeade trip?” Remus chuckled. Had Sirius already forgotten that he, Peter, and Remus were going to the Hog’s Head while James was on a date with Lily? It wasn't the most glamorous place, but it was a place to be served shots of Firewhiskey if they asked nicely enough.

“Yeah, that’s part of it, mate.” Sirius steered them towards the Gryffindor table, hands now pushing at Remus’ shoulder blades.

“What are you talking about?”

“Remember how you told me about your thing for Mary?” Sirius started, and Remus got an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

“That never happened, there's no 'thing',” Remus warned, but he didn’t tell Sirius to stop.

Sirius completely ignored Remus’ warning and continued speaking, “I thought that this weekend was a better time than ever to set you two up on a date. You have reservations at The Three Broomsticks at six. You should’ve seen Mary, she was gleaming-”

“ _What?_ ” Remus spat. 

“-and terribly excited, as always, that girl. She’s been raving about you since before Christmas,” Sirius warned, ignoring his cry of dismay.

This couldn’t be happening. Not now, not during his recent, personal turmoil. The last thing he needed was another confounding factor, such as a girl. Mary MacDonald, of course, was a sweet girl and a wonderful person, and he was somewhat glad it was her rather than any other girl.

But that didn’t alter the fact that he _wasn’t interested_. He couldn't do this to her.

“Why would you do this?” Remus asked, narrowing his eyes at his friend. 

“As I just said, you’re into her. You’ve been running around with her these past several months, have you not?” Sirius queried. 

“I- nevermind,” Remus conceded and went along with it. It seemed like no matter what he said, Sirius wouldn't back off. How bad could this be?

* * *

The Three Broomsticks was too stuffy, and Remus didn’t want the redness of his cheeks to be misconstrued for anything else. As they were seated, Remus immediately spotted James and Lily across the floor. James waved enthusiastically and Lily grinned and gave him two thumbs up. He had a feeling Lily was going along with it just to goad Remus, while James was seriously invested in his date with Mary; a strange reversal of their usual roles.

And Mary, with her blonde hair and wide, white smile, was as pleasant as ever. She insisted on holding Remus’ hand the entire way to Hogsmeade, and what kind of man would he be to decline? It hardly mattered that he was too tall for her so their hands didn’t naturally line up, and how they took mismatched steps so Remus’ shoulder started to ache after a while. It didn’t matter at all.

“You’re turning eighteen in March, aren’t you?” Mary asked. Remus swished the water around in his glass.

“Yes, and you were eighteen back in September, right?” 

“Correct. It’s a shame you missed my birthday, you could have been a part of James and Sirius’ drinking competition,” Mary mused. A faraway look occupied her eyes as she recalled the fond memories.

Remus remembered that weekend, he was holed away in the Room of Requirement with Severus. In hindsight, it was a better use of his time than watching James and Sirius chug cheap beer. Peter didn’t have any objections to that, of course.

The rest of the dinner continued with their usual conversation wafting through Remus’ ears. Mary told him about her scholarship to a healer’s program in France, which piqued Remus’ interest. 

“It’s a four-year program, and it’s incredibly prestigious. Usually, the Greengrasses, Princes, and Prewetts' send their children there to train. And to think that _I_ got in is- wow,” Mary sighed, resting her elbows on the table. 

_The Princes?_

“Don’t discredit yourself, you’ve worked incredibly hard over the years to end up here. You just need the NEWTs to back you up, and you’ll be on your way to being St Mungo’s top healer,” Remus said, grinning at the nervous girl.

“You really think so?” She asked, looking up from her empty plate to meet his eyes.

“Of course,” Remus reassured, “as I said, you’ve already proved yourself.”

The two left the pub and started to wander back to the castle. The last dregs of daylight were fading and the chill was biting at Remus’ ears. As Mary pulled Remus’ arm over her shoulder and snuggled up to his side, Remus’ mind flickered back to the Princes. 

The only Prince he knew was Eileen Prince, a pureblood witch and the mother of Severus Snape. That’s all he knew about the family, so to hear that the Princes regularly depart to France for medical training was a surprise. It could explain Severus’ aptitude for the combination of skills required to be a healer.

Maybe the family’s reputation with the healing arts was one of the reasons Voldemort was looking to recruit Severus. Allegedly.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Mary said. She snaked her arm around his waist, digging her fingers into the wool of his sweater.

“Hmm? Yeah, sorry. I’m just thinking,” Remus responded.

“About what?” Mary asked, her voice dropped a little and Remus struggled to hear her.

He didn’t respond. Mary took his silence the wrong way. She pulled him off course from the road back to Hogwarts. 

“What are you-”

She quickly whipped her head around, checking for people, before she brought her hands up to his shoulders and gently pushed him backwards until his back was flush with a rough-barked tree. With a single, swift motion, she leaned up and pressed her lips to his. The sensation was more than gentle kisses he’d experienced in the past, this was hard and with purpose. He didn’t know what to do, so he did the only logical action that came to mind.

He kissed her back.

This charade had gone too far.

He placed a hand on her lower back and brought his other hand up to cradle her face. The skin there was smooth, as was the feeling of her lips against his, moving slowly and sweetly.

Why was he doing this? He didn’t know why he hadn’t stopped thus far, but he didn’t want to push her away and upset her. 

Mary hadn’t seemed to notice his internal dilemma, obviously, and ran her hands down the front of his chest. The heat from her hands seeped through to his skin, juxtaposing against the harsh cold breeze railing against the side of his face. He suddenly remembered where they were.

Remus gripped the sides of her arms and pulled away from the kiss, but she closed the gap again with another wet kiss. Once again, he pulled back.

“Mary-” He could barely speak. He brought his hands to her shoulders and pushed her off him as gently as possible. “Mary, _stop_.”

“Remus, come on-” she started to goad him playfully but he bristled, mood ruined.

“No. I’m sorry,” he said meekly, but his sudden withdrawal must have offended her. He understood why, he shouldn’t have led her on like that. _Fuck_ , Remus cursed the inner parts of him that hated confrontation like this. That intrinsic need to be liked had once again fucked him over. And fucked over this poor girl, who now looked furious.

She scoffed at his detached dismissal. “What are you, gay?” Mary accused with hands on her hips and a scowl marring her dainty features.

Remus flinched. Mary’s face fell.

“Wait, _are_ you gay?” Mary asked softly. Remus didn’t answer. “Merlin, I- I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t know-”

“It’s fine,” Remus cut off her stammering with a huff. He didn’t care about how she found out, it was the fact that she _knew_. Someone knew he was gay. Fuck, he’d never even referred to himself as that until now. He had avoided the word, desperate for some other explanation- but no, this was it. 

Remus Lupin couldn’t handle a girl kissing him for more than a minute because he was attracted to men. Man. Cat’s out of the bag, or is ‘out of the closet’ a more accurate expression? Somewhere in his mind, it occurred to him that Mary was still babbling away explanations.

“I mean, Marlene said-”

_Wait_. “Marlene said what?”

Mary flushed an even darker shade of red. She waved her hands around flippantly, looking for an excuse. “Oh, there’s just a small rumour going around with the girls at the moment about you and your friends.”

“ _What?_ ” Remus asked. “What rumour?”

“Nothing bad, don’t worry about it, no one except Marlene seriously believes it.”

“Does it have to do with Sirius?”

Mary paused, her eyes were filled with guilt. “I’ve said too much, let’s head back to the castle.”

They set off down the gravel path, Remus wrung his hands together as he walked. Mary didn’t try to reach for his hand again.

After a few minutes of walking in silence, Mary spoke up. “How long have you known?”

Remus laughed, a short, sardonic sound. “I don’t know. I haven’t really addressed it, or even called myself gay until now.”

“But there must have been something that triggered it,” Mary paused, looking uncomfortable, “was it...anyone in particular? Or maybe your father-"

“What has my _dad_ got to do with this?” Remus asked incredulously.

Mary immediately shifted, bringing her hands up defensively. “No, I- I just mean that, well you know what people say-"

Remus did know. “Yeah, and it’s all rubbish. I can’t control it.”

“Well, I know _that_ ,” Mary huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. After a moment, she mellowed out and looked back to Remus. “Do you want to talk about it?”

_Did_ he want to talk about it? There was nothing to say- not yet, anyways. He was still figuring this mess out, and he better sort out his own mind before he revealed anymore to anyone else. However, there was one question he thought he could already answer.

“I think, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve known since September. Tonight was just the catalyst,” Remus answered Mary’s earlier question.

“Oh,” Mary mumbled. 

“I truly am sorry, Mary. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you…” Remus trailed off, not exactly sure what he could offer to mend their friendship.

Mary chuckled, “It’s fine. Like you said, you can’t control it, even if you acted like a dick.” He deserved that. “We can put it behind us.”

They didn’t speak much as they approached Hogwarts, but on their trek back up to the Gryffindor Tower, Mary asked, “Are you going to pretend the date went well?”

“It did go well, until the end,” Remus laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. 

“Do you want me to go along with it?” Mary pressed, ignoring how Remus tried to brush off the anxiety-inducing question.

“You don’t have to worry about covering for me, this is my mess to clean up,” Remus said.

“Yes, but you don’t have to do this alone, you know?” Mary placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “It sounds awfully cliche, but it’s true. You’re still my friend, and although I don’t know a lot about it and can’t promise that I’ll always understand, you can tell me anything.”

“Mary,” Remus said to get her explicit attention after her sentimental rambling.

“Yes?” 

“Please, I have to ask that this stays between us,” Remus asked. He didn’t know what he would do if she refused to keep this particular secret. His worries were soon dispelled.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Mary said quietly over the sounds of their soft footsteps on stone.

“Thank you.”

* * *

Remus didn’t want to talk to anyone, but Sirius was grinning from ear to ear when he entered the dormitory. He was lounging upside down on his four-poster bed, feet rested upon the headboard.

“You’re back late, I take it the date went well?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

Remus chuckled and took off his sweater; the Gryffindor Tower was a great deal warmer than the rest of the castle. He threw it on his bed and sat next to the discarded fabric.

“You didn’t ask about my date with Lily,” James pouted, feigning offense, but Sirius purposefully missed the sarcasm in his voice.

“Why would I? How boring. You guys go out together all the time, it’s Moony’s turn now,” Sirius said, dismissing James with a wave of his hand. He turned his attention back to Remus. “So, how was it?”

Remus swallowed. “Good.”

“Just good?” James asked.

He forced a smile. “Fine, it was great.”

“She put out?” Sirius asked.

“Sirius!” Remus scolded. Even if anything like that _had_ happened, to think that he would divulge the details so carelessly-

In reality, the opposite occurred. It was Remus who hadn’t ‘put out’, rather, he had ‘come out’. He had a long, restless night of anxious thinking ahead of him, he didn’t feel like humouring his friends. 

“I’ll take that as a yes. Told you guys I’m a great matchmaker. Goodnight,” Sirius said, winking up at Remus before pulling the curtain around his bed.

From across the room, James spoke to Remus with a rare voice of concern. “Ignore him, he’s been acting strange all day. He's obsessed with this bloody date of yours, overcompensating for his break up if you ask me. If you feel like telling us how it _actually_ was, we’ll listen.” With the last two words, James nodded his head towards Peter. The Head Boy’s heart was in the right place, he was just trying to make Remus feel better.

From across the room, Peter furrowed his brow and turned a rare, calculating gaze to him. Remus felt ten times worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're officially halfway through! Thank you all for sticking around for this long, the next few chapters are intense.


	18. It Dives, It Jumps, And It Ripples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus' ass is as thick as his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: slur

The lightbulb dangling over the desk at the end of the row flickered. Remus’ eyes were drawn to it for the umpteenth time that night, but Severus and Lily paid it no mind. They had paused their Charms homework for the night and were quietly conversing to not alarm the librarian. She was usually forgiving of the older students and barely noticed when they got louder, but the library had been busier than usual that particular night, so they agreed that they should keep their voices to a whisper.

“Sev, has Remus told you about Mary?” Lily prompted, sending a gleeful look at Remus. 

“No, he hasn’t. I assume you mean Mary MacDonald?” Severus directed the question at Remus.

“Yes, that’s her,” Remus confirmed. He could have maimed Lily if she knew what she was doing to Remus right now. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about his failed dating experience in front of his- _friend_. “What do you know about it, Lily?”

Lily tousled her red hair, making it sit properly over her shoulders as she thought about the question. “Not much, Mary said the date went well.”

“Date?” Severus asked, raising an eyebrow at Remus. He sported a faint look of amusement, like he already knew that the experience was _not_ all pleasant. 

“Yes, date. Sirius thought he would do me a favour and set it up, but I think he had ulterior motives,” Remus explained quickly. “And it was fine.” He already regretted mentioning Sirius' name.

Lily fixed an observing eye on Remus, she seemingly knew what he was referring to, but it was lost on Severus, who scoffed instead. “Leave it to Black to organise some haphazardous date just for his own amusement.”

Remus went to correct him but then realised it wasn’t actually that far from the truth. Seeing that there was now a rumour involving Sirius and his friends - Remus guessed that it had to involve their sexualities - circulating through the girls of Gryffindor, setting up Remus with a girl was his own way of saying, “See? We aren’t all queers.” Sure, it wasn’t for his own amusement, but there was definitely a hidden motive. Deflection.

At the next opportunity, Remus had to get the truth from Sirius before it hurt anyone else.

Lily took the conversation off on a tangent with her next question. “Do any of your friends know about the two of you meeting up like this?”

“No one does. Oh, except Peter,” Remus added as an afterthought.

“Pettigrew? Why did you tell him?” Severus snapped, successfully distracted from the last conversation. 

“To be fair, I didn’t tell him,” Remus reasoned, “he found out on his own.”

“And how did he manage to do that?” Severus asked.

The Marauders’ Map. But, as he figured out way back, he couldn’t exactly tell Severus about the existence of that map. Remus tried to grasp for an explanation, but none came to mind. There weren’t any circumstances where Peter could have seen Severus and Remus together, so from Severus’ point-of-view, the only logical explanation is that Remus had divulged the details of their friendship to him.

“It doesn’t matter, he’s fine about it,” Remus said with a flourish of his hand, waving the topic away.

“He is? How fantastic, we have his approval,” Severus grumbled bitterly. Remus bristled, clearly his desire for his friends’ ‘undeserving’ - in Severus’ own words - acceptance was still a sore spot.

Lily, picking up on the tension between the two, spoke up, “Well, I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.”

“Thank you,” Remus said quietly. He’d rather be talking about his encounter with Mary over this. Anything was better than dragging up old fights.

There were too many things happening at once. Mary knew he was gay, and from the sounds of it, so did the rest of the girls in Gryffindor. Severus was once again annoyed at him for his attachment to Sirius, James, and Peter. Sirius was hiding something, and Remus had a very strong inkling as to what it was. Lily and Severus were also hiding something, specifically from Remus, and that tiny little detail wasn’t going to stop annoying him any time soon. 

“Remus, are you okay?” Lily asked. “You’ve gone pale.”

He focused on his friend’s face, dotted with red freckles and wearing an expression of concern. 

“I think so, I was just-” Remus sighed, “don’t worry about it.” He felt like there were rocks inside his lungs, pressing against his rib cage and making it impossible to move. He couldn’t breathe for a moment, and now, _here_ , was the last place to get carried away in his own turmoil.

“Whatever you were just thinking about,” Severus piped up from outside of his field of vision, “don’t beat yourself up over it. That assignment will turn out just fine, or that girl will like you back.” He was teasing, but even the simple jibes were enough to re-ground him momentarily. He could ponder over the rest before he went to sleep.

As though the mere thought of sleep in Remus’ mind triggered her instincts, Lily yawned. 

“Don’t you think we’ve been out long enough?” She asked. “I think it’d be best if we packed up for the night.” She packed away her quill and ink, waiting for the boys to follow her movements.

Hypothetically, Remus _could_ go back to the Gryffindor tower now. He could go back and spend the whole night in an anxious ball, too scared to speak lest something stupid fell from his lips. Or he could stay here, with Severus and his quickly dissolving anger. When the night fell, he became meeker, and Remus loved that side of Severus - he wasn’t going to miss out on the opportunity to see it.

“You head up, I still have to finish this,” Remus said. 

Lily hesitated and spared a glance at Severus. 

“Don’t worry,” Severus answered, “I’ll keep him company, and I’ll be a firm overseer. He won’t be handing in half-completed work tomorrow.”

Satisfied with that answer, Lily bid them both goodnight and disappeared. Severus turned on Remus immediately. He fixed him with a calculating gaze, eyes dark and gleaming in the low, flickering light. 

“Now, do you want to tell me how your date _actually_ was?” Severus asked, voice low in the quieting library.

Remus scoffed, feigning offense at the idea that there was anything to hide. “I don’t know what you mean, it was fine-”

“Spare me. No one who goes on a date with a girl as pretty as Mary would describe it as just ‘fine’ unless something was wrong.”

“What are you, jealous?” Remus grinned, deflecting with a raise of his eyebrow.

Severus chuckled and looked down at the desk. “A little.” He beckoned Remus to sit closer to him; now that Lily was gone, they didn’t have to awkwardly position their chairs anymore. Remus sidled up to him, elbows knocking together as he pulled his chair in closer to the desk. Looking straight ahead, Remus could barely make out the titles of the books on the wall in front of them. The light flickered again. 

“The date _was_ fine, truly. Nothing spectacular happened; we got dinner, we walked around Hogsmeade, we kissed, and we went back to the castle. It was a bog-standard date,” Remus said nonchalantly.

“Sounds ‘bog-standard’ to me,” Severus teased. The silence lingered for a moment too long, and Severus cleared his throat before he started rolling up his parchment and pushing his belongings to the side. Remus' essay and ink were still spread out on the desk in front of him.

“What are you doing?” Remus asked. 

“I finished my essay half an hour ago, Lily and I were just waiting for you this whole time,” Severus explained.

“Really?” Remus laughed, embarrassed. “You could have said something.”

“We didn’t want to interrupt you,” Severus shrugged.

Remus eyed Severus’ packed belongings. “Are you going to leave?”

Severus pursed his lips, fighting back a rare smile, “I don’t see any reason why I can’t stay with you until you finish.”

Remus grinned, “Perfect. You can-”

The only light in their row flickered once more, then went out entirely. The bulb wasn’t exactly bright to begin with, but now their little corner of the library was submerged in darkness. Severus groaned in the resulting darkness, and Remus was similarly annoyed. He didn’t feel like fixing a lightbulb, even if it was as simple as casting a Repair charm. He just had to find his wand-

“Wait, let me show you something,” Severus whispered. He heard the swish of fabric as Severus drew his wand. He muttered an unknown incantation, and from the tip of his wand flew three glowing, blue orbs. They didn’t really illuminate much, Remus could only see Severus sitting next to him, but they were unspeakably beautiful.

“What is that?” Remus breathed, eyes transfixed on the floating lights, slowly dancing through the air above the desk in front of them.

“It’s a form of detached ‘Lumos”, I developed it over Christmas,” Severus explained. He didn’t look away from the light and he held his wand steadily. “I haven’t tried this in a while, but if I put my wand down, the light should stay.”

Severus moved slowly, putting his wand down on the desk. After he let go of it, the orbs continued to circle in the air. 

“Amazing,” Remus whispered, “truly amazing. What made you think of it?”

“Did you ever read books under your bed covers when you were a child? Sometimes, when the Slytherin dorm has kept me awake for so long that I become overtired, I still do that. The charm helps, I can turn pages without having to hold my wand.” The explanation was novel for Severus, but it was bizarre in its own right.

“You wouldn’t just draw the curtains and turn on a light?” Remus asked. 

Severus blinked. Again. He made a confused face. “Do the Gryffindor dorms have curtains around their beds?” He asked.

Remus chuckled, taking in Severus’ annoyed face. “Yes, is this news?”

Severus nodded, but he kept his eyes on the orbs of light - which were now migrating towards the pair. They traipsed up Remus’ arm and started to circle his head. He tried to look up at them, but he could only see the bright undersides of the orbs.

After lingering there for a moment, the lights completed their laps around Remus’ head and migrated to circle around the top of Severus’ head instead. He turned to face his friend, who was still angled towards the bookshelf in front of them. The light reflected off of Severus’ inky black hair, making it shine with a blue tone. His eyes glistened as they tried to track the movement. The angle of the light contoured Severus’ cheekbones, the slope of his nose, the line of his jaw. 

Remus was previously transfixed by the light, but now he had something new to focus on.

It wasn’t exactly new, though. He’d been passively admiring Severus since he first commented on his appearance in their sixth year. But now, with a label for the flurry of thoughts his brain had encountered over the past year, he could admit that the admiration went past being purely aesthetical.

“What an interesting feature of the spell,” Severus said, “I didn’t know it was going to do that.”

“It’s charming,” Remus said in between short breaths. He didn’t look away from Severus. The light twirled away from his head and danced in the air again, shimmery and blue. Severus turned to face Remus, a pink flush on his cheeks.

_Too close_. Severus was too close. He could see a tiny scar on the bridge of his nose, the white line was highlighted by the spell. He could feel the heat of Severus’ arm pressing against his. In the space between them, Remus could smell a hint of sandalwood - a gifted cologne? Whatever it was, it was comforting. Masculine. He’d never smelt it on the other man before.

The orbs next to them extinguished, but Remus knew that Severus hadn’t turned away yet. He didn’t need his vision to know that. He also didn’t turn away. Why would he?

_Why wouldn’t he?_

“Do you know why the spell stopped?” Remus asked.

“I must have lost concentration,” Severus whispered back. The answer was simple enough, but Remus hadn’t realised that the spell required constant concentration. 

The background noise from the rest of the library had gradually diminished over the night, but now it seemed silent. Remus could only hear his heartbeat hammering in his ears. Although there was no light illuminating their section of the library, it seemed as though every row had gotten this treatment, the whole place seemed dark- or maybe Remus was imagining it, he didn’t dare turn away to check. 

“So, how was the kiss?” Severus whispered into the silence. The question came out of nowhere, and Remus was faintly startled. His voice was void of tone, and in the darkness, it was hard to see if he was asking out of curiosity or otherwise.

“What?” Remus could barely remember, could barely think of anything outside of this moment. He was aware of Severus’ breath on his cheek, could he feel Remus’ too?

“With Mary? You glossed over it, so I could only assume-”

“-That I’m not one to gloat about girls?” Remus cut him off, guessing what Severus was going to say next. By the man’s soft laugh, he guessed wrong.

“No, that it wasn’t that great of an experience. I can’t help but wonder if it was Mary herself, or…” he trailed off, the unspeakable explanation lingered in the front of Remus’ mind, and somewhere inside he realised that Severus _had_ to know. He was a smart man. But Remus couldn’t force himself to care about that, not when Severus was so _close_ to him.

Remus, like the fool he was, went along with it. “I can hardly tell myself, maybe I need to refresh my memory.”

“Maybe,” Severus agreed.

“Maybe it should be with someone else,” Remus started, “you know, just to make sure that it was just her.” The words felt dangerous, like poison on his tongue. 

“Maybe,” Severus said again, his voice was unrecognisably quiet.

It would be so easy to just lean forward and kiss his friend. No one had to know, besides the two of them. Whether Severus wanted to or not was another question, but if he moved slowly-

Remus leaned in, a hairsbreadth away from Severus’ lips. He knew the other man could feel his close proximity, he didn’t back away. This was it. 

_What if I_ -

Remus moved his hand up to cradle Severus’ face, but before he made it, his hand knocked over his forgotten inkpot on its trajectory. The telltale sound of glass falling on its side on the wooden desk knocked Remus out of his trance.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Remus groaned. He felt the liquid spill over his fingers, and he knew it would stain for a while. In the darkness, Remus fumbled to pick up the inkpot, keeping it from spilling any further onto his Charms homework - which was still spread out on the desk. “Quick, shine a light. Fuck, Flitwick’s going to kill me.”

Severus picked up his wand and groaned; it must have been covered in ink too. He cast a normal Lumos charm this time, and Remus winced when he looked at the damage to his homework. The scroll was soaked - the inkpot had been entirely emptied - there was no chance of him removing the ink without removing the rest of his essay too.

Remus found his wand and vanished the spilled ink, which turned the parchment blank again. “Merlin, have mercy,” he groaned. 

“You must be overtired to manage something as inane as knocking over an inkpot, you better retire for the night,” Severus suggested. There was no maliciousness in his voice, nor an ounce of awkwardness, he just sounded concerned.

“I’m going to have to rewrite this all tonight, though,” Remus sighed, resting his forehead in his palm. 

“Finish it in the Gryffindor Tower, that way you will at least have appropriate lighting,” Severus said. Remus didn’t dare look back at him. 

That was close, too close. Had he really almost jeopardised their friendship for a fleeting, impulsive kiss? Severus never would have gone along with it, he knew the man was incredibly naive, but he could have hardly passed that off as _kissing practice_. Curse Lily for taking that excuse years ago.

“You’re right, I better go,” Remus said, pushing his chair back and standing up. “Might have to steal some more ink from one of the guys, as well. They’ll hardly notice it’s missing, right?”

Severus huffed out a small laugh, “Right.”

They bid each other goodnight, and Remus left Severus alone in the library with nothing but the Lumos charm to keep him company. Sometimes he would walk Severus back to the Slytherin common room, but tonight he couldn’t, lest he did something else impulsive. 

Fuck, why had he done that? Of everything that he could've done, he chose _that_?

There were too many things happening once, and Remus had to go and make it one thousand times worse.


	19. Every Night Fucks Every Day Up (Every Day Patches The Night Up)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mary gains a gay best friend and Lily plays wingwoman.

They didn’t talk about it, and it worked. Remus didn’t know if Severus wasn’t saying anything out of courtesy or out of sheer ignorance, but he wasn’t going to complain either way. If Severus was downright foolish enough to not understand that Remus was a millisecond away from kissing him, then that was his pleasant reality to live in.

Meanwhile, Remus found himself around Mary more often. She was more chatty than usual and was even more eager to spread gossip - far more than he’d ever known her to be. She was moaning about people he’d never heard of, and she seemed to expect him to react with enthusiasm. He never seemed to be able to get a word in whenever she was talking.

Until one mellow night in the common room. They were sitting together in a corner of the room when she finally turned her attention to him. “Who do you have your eyes on at the moment, Remus?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is there anyone you’re seeing, you know, romantically? Or do you like someone?”

Another thing to gossip about, no doubt. “No, I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?” Mary grinned. Merlin, why had he said it like that?

“Sorry, I know I don’t,” he corrected, more assertive this time.

Mary warily accepted his response before launching into another line of questioning. “But surely there must be someone! You must have a type or something. What about Sirius?”

Remus laughed. “What about him?”

“Are you into him?” She asked.

“No, why would I be?” Remus shot back. 

Mary shrugged, bashful. “You two are always joined at the hip, and now that- nevermind. All I’m saying is that I can totally see it happening one day, maybe after Lily and James get married.”

_What? Why?_ “What has that got to do with Lily and James?” Remus still had his hunch. “I can tell you now that that’s never going to happen. My type isn’t someone who has shit for brains,” Remus laughed. 

As though the mere mention of his name summoned him, Sirius flopped down onto the couch next to Mary and slung an arm around her shoulder. “Who’s got shit for brains?”

“Don’t worry about it, mate,” Remus said before Mary could tell him the truth.

“Are we discussing types?” Sirius must have heard his whole statement. “Isn’t Mary your type, you know, seeing that you’re going out together?”

“'Going out together'?” Mary mumbled under her breath. She raised her voice a little, “We aren’t dating.”

Sirius’ face fell and he sat upright, retracting his arm from around Mary’s shoulder and leaning forward to narrow his eyes at Remus. “If that’s true, where have you been going this whole time, Remus? Have you been meeting up with someone else?”

Mary made a noise of excitement and turned a keen eye to Remus. “You didn’t tell me you were sneaking around with someone!”

Remus bristled. “That’s because I’m not, no matter how much Sirius insists that I am. He's been harping on about this for a year now.”

Every once in a while, a bald-faced lie was healthy. No practitioners would ever back up that claim, but it certainly put Remus’ mind at ease when he had to lie.

“Come on, Remus, who is she?” Mary asked. Remus was thankful that Mary at least had enough self-control to refer to this mysterious person as ‘she’. 

“It’s nothing, drop it,” Remus said coldly, directing the sternness at both Mary and Sirius.

It had never been in Sirius’ nature to accept an outright ‘no’, and as Remus’ luck would have it, he wasn’t about to start. “I’m pretty disappointed, mate.”

“That’s rich, Black,” Marlene’s voice sounded from over Remus’ shoulder. She appeared on Remus’ right and leaned against the side of the couch that Sirius and Mary were sitting on. She sported a smug expression, and her comment had almost drawn a laugh from Remus; he would have laughed, maybe, had Sirius not been there.

Sirius’ handsome face contorted in a rare display of embarrassment and discomfort. “Hi, Marlene. Still making your little innuendos?”

She grinned. “Of course, the opportunity was too good to pass up.” She leaned behind Mary’s head and pushed Sirius gently. Remus watched the display closely.

Marlene was a stronger person than Remus. If anything like what Sirius did to Marlene happened to him, he wouldn’t be nearly as jovial about it. It was a relief to see that Marlene’s short grudge against the Gryffindor boys had been just that - short. 

But it shouldn’t be possible. Remus’ mind whirred with a myriad of thoughts. Marlene wouldn’t have been nearly as quick to forgive him had he said the name of one of her friends, so that meant that-

Mary almost snorted over another one of Marlene’s innuendos, one that Remus had just missed. Pity, it sounded as though it had been quite funny. Sirius, on the other hand, turned a panicked expression to Marlene.

“You told them?” He accused her. Of course. He didn’t know that the rest of the girls knew, Mary’s excessive laughter must have clued him in.

Marlene shrugged, letting that movement speak for itself. Mary spoke up instead, trying to contain her laughter. “Don’t be upset, Sirius. We haven’t said a word to anyone outside of the girl’s dormitory.”

Sirius hesitated, looking for a split second as though he was going to be sick. “Good, as long as the word doesn’t get back to-,” he cut himself off and gave the two girls a knowing look. Then, Sirius got impossibly paler. “Wait, does that mean that _Lily_ knows?”

Marlene looked offended by the accusation. “No, I wouldn’t have told her something like that.”

Sirius scoffed lightly, “Right, that’d be too crass for her delicate ears.”

“Your problem is probably more common than you think,” Mary said nonchalantly. Sirius was looking down at his hands, so he didn’t see the piercing look Mary gave Remus. She smiled cheekily and looked back and forth between him and Sirius.

_Fantastic_. Sirius _was_ gay, then. Remus had suspected as much, Sirius had been incredibly cryptic over the past few months, just as Remus had been. But apparently, not cryptic enough. Between Mary’s insinuations about him and Sirius earlier and Sirius’ reluctance to announce the subject of his slippage weeks prior, Remus couldn’t come to any other conclusions.

Remus scowled at Mary, warning her not to tell Marlene or Sirius - or anyone else, for that matter - about his own sexuality. She mimed zipping her lips playfully before turning back to a crestfallen Sirius.

“What is that supposed to mean?” He asked.

“I think you know,” Mary said.

Fuck, if she had readily given up Sirius’ predilections like that, how much longer could Remus trust her with his own identity? Remus looked around the common room, eager to distance himself from this conversation. There had to be someone else- _where were James and Peter?_

His eyes locked with Lily’s, and something about his face must have screamed ‘help me’, for she ditched her homework on the table by the window and made a beeline through the people to the far corner of the room.

“Remus,” she said as soon as she reached the group, “you’re our resident Herbology whizz, can you help me with this last question? It’s really stumped me.”

Before waiting for his answer - which would have been a ‘yes’ - she grabbed his wrist and hoisted him from his chair. She started to pull him towards the portrait hole.

“Isn’t your homework that way, Evans?” Sirius called out, laughing. She ignored him and they left the common room.

Lily didn’t let go of his wrist for the next few minutes. Instead, they weaved silently through the corridors until they were in a quiet alcove on the sixth floor. Lily dropped Remus’ wrist and turned to face him.

“Are you okay? You looked panicked,” Lily asked, giving Remus a quick once-over. A faint tremor raced down Remus’ arms to his fingertips, and he wrung his hands together to fight the sensation. 

Everything was accumulating, Remus could barely hold onto his emotional integrity when Lily was standing across from him with comforting eyes and a coaxing voice. It couldn’t hurt if he told her...right? Mary had reacted well enough - disgusting implications aside - and Lily seemed to be even more sensible than Mary. 

Remus made up his mind. “No, I’m not okay.”

“How come?”

“Lily, I-” Remus’ throat closed up momentarily, stifling his words. Like his body was telling him to push this down, keep this hidden. “I can’t-”

Lily seemed to realise he was struggling to vocalise his thoughts, so she prompted him. “Why don’t you start by telling me what’s going on between you and Severus?”

“What? What do you mean?” Remus asked. Had Severus told her about their almost-kiss? Does that mean that he was fully aware of what Remus had attempted? Well, he didn’t try to stop it, but that didn’t mean he was _like_ Remus or welcomed that type of behaviour. "There's nothing going on."

“You’re different when you’re around him, it’s like he’s the only one in the room,” Lily explained. “And you’re quick to deny, which you do when you’re lying.”

“How would you know that?” Remus bristled. It was true, he was heavy-handed with the denial when he wanted to get out of trouble, but he didn’t think it was that obvious. 

Lily chuckled and leaned against the pillar of the alcove they were in. “I’ve known you for seven years. And look at who you keep for company, you’ve had to do your fair share of lying over the years.”

Fuck, she was right again. Juggling his lycanthropy, sexuality, and his friends’ myriad of pranks over the years, he’s had a lot to keep hidden.

At the mention of who he keeps for company, Remus saw a way to deflect. “By the way, how is everything with James? You two look-”

“ _Remus_ ,” Lily snapped, her patience finally starting to wear short. “Don’t try to distract me.”

“Fine! You guessed it, I’m gay,” Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to keep the irritation from his voice. That was _not_ how he wanted to come out to Lily. When he looked up, she looked passive, if not a tad disgruntled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bark at you.”

“It’s fine, but you still haven’t answered my question truthfully.”

“Merlin, you are persistent, aren’t you?” Remus laughed. “But I can’t confirm your suspicions, there’s nothing there-”

“Remus,” she cut him off again. She reached forward and placed her hands on his biceps, angling him forward so he couldn’t turn away. “I think we both know that’s not true,” she said softly.

Defeated and deflated. Remus didn’t feel like lying to her anymore. 

“It’s true, there’s nothing going on. It’s completely one-sided,” Remus said truthfully. It hurt, like speaking through a mouth of razor blades. His words were tinged with blood, and his heart faltered as they fell from his mouth.

“Oh, Remus.” Lily wasted no further time and enveloped Remus in a hug. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” Her voice was soothing, and the repetition grounded him. In this instance, Lily reminded Remus of his mother. A strange comparison, but the way she was rubbing her hand on his back in large, slow circles was maternal.

Remus dropped his head into the crook of her neck and wrapped his arms around her torso, holding tight. He felt weak, how often was he allowed to act like this? 

“When did you know you felt this way?” Lily asked quietly. Remus pulled away and ran a hand through his hair to recompose himself as he thought about the question.

Back in September, he started to notice Severus in a different way; his new haircut, how he kept his nails clean and nicely shaped, what kind of pants he wore when they were out of their uniform robes - and how well they fit him. Remus recalled the moment he first _wanted_ to kiss Severus; when they fought after Remus helped him and Lily reconnect. That was only weeks ago.

“It’s hard to say, it’s been a slow realisation over this school year,” Remus concluded. “I guess that’s appropriate for my sexuality, too.”

Lily listened earnestly, nodding her head and clasping her hands neatly in front of her. Her presence made Remus feel safe enough to keep up his candor. “I- I can’t tell anyone. I can’t be open about it without losing my friends.”

Lily hummed, interrupting his worrying. “If that happens, you’ll still have me, but I promise that it _won’t_ happen. I won’t let James do that to you, and Severus is already too attached to you to stop talking to you.”

_Severus_. He couldn't escape the man, it all came back to him. 

“Is it too soon to say I might be a little bit in love with him?” Remus whispered. Saying it too loud made it real.

Lily smiled, genuine and bright. “No, but you sound so unsure of yourself. Own it.”

“How?”

“Start by talking to him about it,” she said.

“Talking to him? Merlin, are you insane?” Remus threaded a hand through his hair, laughing. “And what do you suppose he would say?”

Lily shrugged, dumbfounded. “How should I know? That’s why you have to do it.”

The girl who always seemed to know more than she let on; Lily, the voice of reason. Usually, that role fell to Remus, especially with the dealings of his other friends, but this past year had wreaked havoc on his mind and he didn’t know wrong from right anymore.

She was the girl with good advice. Advice that Remus _really_ didn’t want to take. 

As they headed back to the common room, Remus realised that Lily wanted him to act right away. They circled back up the steps of the Gryffindor Tower and she listed off reasons why he should act _now_ rather than drag it out further.

“Like ripping off a bandaid,” Lily had said. 

But Remus needed time to mull it over, he didn’t want to do anything rash. 

“But how will you ever know? You should at least tell him that you’re gay, you might find yourself surprised by his reaction.” Lily offered helpful, encouraging rebuttals for every vocalisation of doubt. She had refused to elaborate on that second part, to Remus’ frustration.

Some parts of Lily’s motivation were starting to worm their way into Remus’ brain. In the worst possible scenario, telling him would result in Severus cutting all ties with him - which was _daunting_ , and Lily said there’s no way he could do that. On the other hand, while Severus doesn’t feel the same way, it would be nice to not feel like he was hiding anything from his friend anymore.

“Thank you,” Remus said gratefully before he and Lily parted ways for the night in the common room. 

“Let me know how everything goes, okay?” She asked.

“Okay.”

Remus looked around the common room after Lily returned to her homework. Mary had vanished with Marlene, and Sirius was now lounging against James on the couch by the fire, his feet hanging over the armrest at the opposite end. Even from that distance, Remus could spot the patches of warmth on Sirius’ cheeks from the fire and the glimmery shine in his eyes when he leaned further into James’ shoulder. When Sirius looked out across the room, Remus shot him a quick wave.

Leaving them alone, he decided he would instead bother Peter in the dormitory. Before pushing open the dorm door, he made up his mind on what he should do vis-a-vis his coming out to Severus. It only took one second to decide, this was overdue. If Mary MacDonald knew before one of his closest friends, something needed to be amended.

Remus was resigned, he would tell Severus on Saturday.

But then Saturday came, and Severus was nowhere to be found. He had vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lotta things happening.


	20. Parting From Love's Nest, Leaving Me In Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus disappears, and returns with news. The Marauders are confused. Severus turns Remus into his coping mechanism.

Saturday came and went. Remus had been an anxious wreck the whole week and throughout the morning. He was going to come out to Severus. So far, his first two ‘coming outs’ had gone poorly, and this was the one that mattered the most.

So when Remus couldn’t find Severus at breakfast, lunch, or in Hogsmeade in the late afternoon, he was more than just on edge. He was instead resigned to spending the day by Sirius’ side, which would normally be okay if his mind wasn’t preoccupied. The day panned by slowly, and Remus’ anxiety about his coming out shifted to concern for Severus. He asked Lily if she had any clue where he was, but she was similarly stumped.

On Sunday morning during breakfast, Sirius shoved a copy of The Daily Prophet under his nose and pointed to the front page. You-Know-Who’s followers had launched another attack on Muggles yesterday - this time, they had sunken an ocean liner carrying over two thousand people. The Prophet said that Muggle authorities were baffled by its sudden sinking and how no other ships responded to its emergency calls, resulting in a mass drowning. Remus pushed the paper away, appetite lost.

“And some of those gleeful fucking bastards over there are rejoicing,” Sirius spat, gesturing to the Slytherin table. Remus looked over to the table, trying to spot Severus to no avail. Instead, he saw Avery and Nott laughing down at their own issue of the Prophet. ‘Gleeful fucking bastards’ was an apt descriptor. They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence. When lunch rolled around, they did the same, still no sign of Severus.

This wasn’t like when they fought in the past and Severus avoided him. No, he had vanished from the school grounds. Remus checked the Marauder’s Map and his name wasn’t anywhere to be found.

After lunch, Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter wandered down the castle grounds to lounge in the sun. They situated themselves underneath a large willow tree near the lake; Remus and James leaned with their backs against the tree, Sirius was sprawled on the grass with his hands resting behind his head, and Peter was standing, trying to block Sirius’ sunlight.

“Bugger off, Wormtail,” Sirius complained for the umpteenth time, “you just don’t know when to quit, do you?” Sirius kicked a leg out at Peter, trying to knock him off his feet.

“You’ll burn without me protecting you,” Peter argued. Although the incredibly faint redness on Sirius’ nose spoke volumes, he vehemently denied the claim. Only when Sirius threatened to hex his robes pink did he move into the shade.

The afternoon was peaceful, and Remus found him easily distracted by his friends’ teasing conversations. He had almost forgotten about everything when Sirius spoke, cutting through a moment of silence to prop himself up on his elbows.

“What’s Sniv doing? Looks like he’s coming over here,” Sirius said, confused.

James scoffed and let his head fall back against the bark of the tree for a moment. “What the fuck does he want with us?”

Remus didn’t care, he just let their words wash over him because _Severus_ was here. He had his arms crossed tightly over his chest, but it didn’t look like anger - it looked like vulnerability. Even from a distance, Remus could spot the forlorn look on his face; how his eyes were averted to the ground in front of him. There was a slight tremor in his step.

Something bad had happened.

By the time Severus reached their shady alcove, everyone had turned to face the newcomer - even Sirius had ditched his lazy position. Severus hesitated on what he wanted to say - why he was here - and Sirius used that small window of opportunity to insult him.

“Do you only serve to be a plight on our existence, Snivvy? Go bother some of your own housemates instead of us,” Sirius tried to dismiss him with a wave of his hand, but Severus only gave him a blank stare.

The silence stretched out for a few more awkward seconds. Severus had never been one to lie back and take their insults, but he didn’t bother rebutting Sirius. Instead, he turned his attention to Remus, and his stomach fluttered when they made eye contact for the first time in days. His eyes were slightly misty and a little blown, like he had been shell-shocked.

“Remus, can I talk to you?” Fuck.

Remus was right, something bad _must_ have happened for Severus to approach him like this in front of his friends. That was their one agreement, their one rule: Never let the Marauders know. That had clearly flown out of the window. Remus would have some explaining to do later.

James spluttered, his eyebrows drawn together in inexplicable anger, “What? Him? _Why_?”

“James, it’s fine,” Remus said, sparing his friend a calm glance before he stood up and made his way to Severus. “I’ll be back later.”

He couldn’t look away from the man in front of him, so unusually meek. In his peripheral vision, Remus saw Sirius raising his wand arm, and he tore his gaze away from Severus to throw a non-verbal ‘Expelliarmus’ at his wand. He caught it and it took all of his effort to not snap the bit of wood in half.

Instead, Remus threw the wand at Sirius’ feet and fixed him with a cold glare. White-hot rage rushed over him. How _dare_ he try something like that when he was in such an obvious state of distress? “Grow up, Sirius.”

The man sputtered as he slowly reached to retrieve his wand and tuck it back away. Remus turned his back on his friends and let Severus lead him away. He knew they were still watching him, he made sure to not walk too close to Severus.

“Where are we going?” Remus asked softly. He didn’t know what would startle the obviously-disturbed man, so he kept his voice low.

“Let’s walk out of their fields of vision, at least,” Severus replied after an unnatural pause. “I think down by the lake will do.”

The rest of their walk was completed in silence. Remus looked back every couple of hundred metres to see how far away his friends appeared, and once they were far along enough, he wrapped a hand around Severus’ wrist to gently stop him in his tracks. Severus turned back around to face Remus, looking exceptionally pale.

“What’s wrong?” Remus asked, dropping his wrist. “There aren’t any prying ears here, it’s just me.”

“I met him,” Severus said.

“Who?”

“ _Him_.”

Remus froze. _Oh, fuck_. “Severus, I- Merlin,” he stumbled over his words, trying to piece things together. “When? How? Why?”

“Slow down, ask me again. One word at a time,” Severus said.

“Sorry, when?”

“Yesterday.”

“How?”

Severus scoffed, not at Remus but as he recalled the event. “Lucius Malfoy sent me a letter two weeks ago asking me to rendezvous with him in Hogsmeade. He invited me to his Manor for the weekend, and I didn’t think much of it; he said it was going to be a business meeting. Lucius and I- we’re good friends, he knows about how well I perform in school and I thought he was going to set me up with a job after school. I mean, he spoke about my spellcrafting in the letter- and my skills with Potions-”

“Breathe,” Remus interrupted, “you’re speeding up. You’ll end up hyperventilating,”

Severus paused for a few seconds, cheeks pink and eyes trained on Remus’. “Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it. So Malfoy conned you?” Remus asked, guessing where the story was going.

“Essentially, yes. When I got there, there was a different kind of meeting occurring. There were men in cloaks, most of them were wearing masks, and there was something _other_ there as well,” Severus answered cryptically. "Him."

“Other, as in?” Remus prompted, not sure what he meant.

“Other, not entirely human,” Severus said. “He was...almost serpentine. Looking at him was like looking at a distortion of a person. It was unsettling, he’s defiled beyond repair by dark magic.”

Remus could barely fathom a person that matched that description, but from Severus’ reaction - and the knowledge of how heinous he was - being in his presence would be unbearable. “What happened?”

“He spoke to me directly, he wants me to join his ranks as soon as I graduate - with Avery, Mulciber, Nott, and Rosier. He said that my talents make up for my ‘tainted lineage’- I don’t know how to get out of it, I don’t want anything to do with them, but ignoring them isn’t an option anymore.”

Severus was right, Remus realised. He faced a dilemma, an unspoken ultimatum. Join the Death Eaters or die escaping them. Remus didn’t want to think about either possibility yet, if ever. Instead, he encouraged Severus to continue talking, working through what had happened would definitely help him process it instead of letting it eat away at his conscience.

“What else happened?” Remus prompted. He desperately wanted to ask about the ocean liner incident that was plastered on the front of every newspaper and tabloid in both the Muggle and Wizarding worlds, but he was scared of what the answer may be.

Severus bit his lip and rolled his shoulders back, straightening his posture and keeping in a sigh. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“I want to help ground you, and if talking about it helps, then I won’t stop you.” Severus must have been waiting for Remus’ consent to talk about that incident, because as soon as Remus said that, he seemed to become jittery as he recalled the memories.

“I saw- I saw _everything_ ,” Severus stopped, wringing his shaking hands together. “Murder for the sake of murder, I’ve never seen anything like it. His followers dragged the process out, not letting a single passenger have a merciful, quick death.”

“They took you to London?”

“Yes, they apparated us there, I couldn’t escape. Rest assured, though, I didn’t cast anything myself,” Severus pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Okay, that’s...better, I guess.” Remus didn’t know what to say.

Severus laughed acerbically and shook his head. “That doesn’t mean my hands are clean. I did _nothing_ \- I’m as good as a murderer if I stand aside and let it happen.”

“Severus-”

“No-”

Remus lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Severus, pulling him in tight. He felt the Slytherin dig his fingers into the fabric of his robes, grasping tightly and not daring to let go. He shook with every deep inhale, and Remus felt him bury his face into the crook of his neck.

He’d been aching for this, but not like this. Not with Severus shaken to the core and very clearly not in his usual state of mind. He had witnessed mass murder for Merlin's sake. Who was he to act selfishly now? And even if he wanted to act selfishly, he didn’t think he could physically force himself to. Maybe, the selfish action in question had warped from wanting to kiss his friend fervently to wanting to conceal him from the rest of the world where You-Know-Who and his vermin followers couldn’t touch him. Of course, he was biased, but he believed he couldn’t be faulted for wanting that.

"What should we do? We could speak to the Headmaster-" Remus started.

"No!" Severus said quickly, pulling his head back. "He's never once taken my side, he'll never believe me if I come to him with the truth. He'd sooner see me branded with a Dark Mark than give me any alternatives."

"But you can't work through this alone," Remus said softly. He brought a hand up to the back of Severus' head and stroked the smooth hair there.

"I don't care, I don't want to do anything today. I want- _need_ to forget about what happened in London," Severus demanded. His head lolled forward again and regained its resting position against the side of Remus' neck. "I find that you're always the best distraction."

Such a clause had never put so much pressure on Remus as that one.

Remus brought his focus back into the sensation of Severus’ fingertips digging into the muscles of his back and his muffled words against his neck. “What?” Remus asked, unjustifiably angry at himself for not hearing Severus the first time.

Severus pulled back a bit so he could look at Remus’ face, but he didn’t leave his embrace yet. He traipsed his hands up Remus’ back and arms and let his fingers curl around his forearms. “Thank you, Wolf. You’re quite good at calming people down.”

Remus chuckled, “I thought we were done with that nickname.” Maybe not, because it didn’t hurt anymore. Not when Severus said it with that broad smile on his face, looking up at him with mirth in his eyes.

“We all have our vices, our things we desperately cling to in times of strife.” Severus started to walk, leading them both away from the lake and back up towards the castle. There was a grand piano calling his name, and Remus knew that Severus heard it too. “Mine just happens to be calling you ‘Wolf'.”

Remus scoffed, but the sound was light and joking. If this was going to distract Severus for the time being, then so be it. “Alright, so you won’t mind if I fall back on some good old-fashioned name-calling? Does ‘nerd’ do the trick?”

“A little hypocritical, don’t you think?” Severus criticised.

Remus rolled his eyes before he looked sideways at his friend, who wore the grin of a victor. He matched his grin, though he had lost the banter - he was just happy he had found a way to distance Severus from the events of yesterday.

Only when they were halfway back up the hill did Remus realise that Severus had never let go of his forearm. His right hand had slid down to encircle his wrist, where he extended a long finger to trace small circles into the palm of Remus’ hand.

It was safe to say that Remus was going to put off coming out for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stage 1: Denial?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, please leave kudos and/or a comment if you enjoyed! I love to hear what you think!
> 
> Join me over in the [Snupin discord](https://discord.gg/wzhndTGJWt).


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